Depressing

It was horrible last night at home and I don't feel good about it. So last night I added him back on MSN, in the hope that he was there. I needed comfort and I needed to talk about it. I don't know why but I turned to him. Pretty stupid of me. He wasn't online though.

Just now he was there and I told him what happened, yet I turned away his help. Sorry for my abrupt leaving. I didn't want any preaching, didn't want any tips, any discussions, any explanations for my behaviour or thinking. I just needed to rant and somebody to listen to my ranting. I needed comfort and I needed a hug, that was all. I know I shouldn't have looked for those from him, though him was all I wanted and needed now. I know his words are true, but I don't want to listen to them now. I'm sick of advice and what's "right" to do. I was feeling pissed off over everything so I left. Then when I came back online he was already gone and for an unknown reason, I began to cry.

The older I grow, the more resistant I am to advice and I'm only 20. What use is education when I close my mind? Don't tell me "then open up". It is now closed, very stubbornly closed.

I don't know why but I feel trapped in this society, maybe in this world? It's like going in a circle, only that for different individuals there are different sort of circles. I'm living a life that is already planned for me. It doesn't matter what you do, whether or not you follow your dreams, because in the end it comes a full circle and you are back at the beginning. To me, we have little control over our lives. It just goes on and on and on... on a path already mapped out.

Horrible spotty circles

What you feel, what you see, what you do, your problems, your happiness, how much of these are results of your own decisions? Very little. A lot of times it is the cause of society, or the cause of situations. How much of me is me? Education is depressing.

When you have 2 or more relatives who have either gone through depression or stepped to the edge of it, it doesn't really help when you feel like you are going to be one of them too.
Nah, I'm just thinking too much.
I remember JY once said that she was standing on the edge of the road and realized how simple it was to just end life by stepping out onto the road in front of a fast approaching vehicle. I remember she said that at that time she hugged her bag very tightly and stood far away from the edge of the divider because she didn't want to die.
I stood and watched a bus went by.

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I don't have diarrhoea. Managed to hold my shit back up. =)