I saw myself destroy what I desire

An acquaintance who doesn't know the whole story told me "treat it as a lesson" and it is no doubt that I have learnt quite a bit from him, in the process stepping on his toes a number of times. He is the only one besides my family to have seen my ugly sides and what I can or will do under certain circumstances. Actually I didn't know what I would have done in certain circumstances until I've encountered it so now I do know. It isn't pretty and I'm not proud of it.

That is probably why in the process of doing what I did, I have a feeling I lost him as a friend too and I was very scared of that. "Was" because if it's done, then it's done. I can like and hate him at the same time so sometimes I don't even know how I feel, but I know I was very afraid of losing contact with him. Maybe I still am, but I don't want to think of it. Am I shutting away this emotion? Is it a bad thing? I think not, I hope not. Distance might not be such a bad thing.

Am I thinking too much? Maybe. I still can't kick that habit.

So if it is now more normal than normal friends, if things have cooled to an acquaintance level, I have nobody else to blame but myself. A lesson learnt then, maybe.

Or maybe I'm just asking for and thinking too much.

I've apologized so much another sorry don't matter anything. This guilt is mine to bear because I deserved it. Who ask me make so many mistakes. My mother is right, my temperament will be the cause of my failure.
Hopefully work will take my mind off things for as long as it can get.