Very serious rant

Let me rant. Thank you. You all can skip this and go straight to the bottom. I think it's going to get a little naggy and boring. Just pretend that you all read through it and leave a comment or two or something.

[rant]
Because the damn crux of the whole matter is that I still have feelings for him, no matter how little and that I don't care if I hurt anybody anymore because I hurt people too much so it doesn't matter how much hurt I have inflicted, I should continue to do what I like. I will flare up when I like, accuse when I like, voice my opinion whenever I want, talk back when I'm not happy, talk nonsense when I'm in the mood to and all that other stuff.
Because he doesn't have the habit of initiating conversations and he would only intiate it with me when I have something provoking in my nick or that there is promise of dirty talk or it is because of that stupid I'm-hurt-and-upset stuff (that "I" means me), or something I put in my blog regarding guys.
Because I don't know how to ask him out for meals anymore, because I know he will reject, because it seems to me as if only promise of something physical will get him out, because I want to see him, because when we talk recently there is always a sexual connotation beneath everything. Because I want the physical thing also and I would "hunt" anybody who can give it to me. Because it is a combination of wanting to see and talk to him, wanting it myself and wanting to talk to anybody. No, it is wanting to talk to him only. Because it sucks loving somebody and I don't ever want to fall in love again. I don't care what you all say about standing up and not letting this get to me. Right now all of that is rubbish. Some people will find their love, some people won't and I belong to the latter because looking at my personality and my temperament, I won't ever find anybody and it's might as well. I don't want to please anybody. Cut the crap.
Because I know it is all my fault and that he's right about feeling like a toy because I did use him when I felt horny and I'm feeling kind of sorry about that. Also because I feel quite like a slut for being horny and kinda seducing a couple of guys, including him. Because I don't know what to do now. Because I feel like I should step off the curb in front of a lorry or a bus. Because I'm freaking closing my mind and I'm studying psychology and I don't see a link between these two points.
I have a lot of things haven't do and I feel pressured by society. Don't you all ever feel pressured my society too? Why is everything a circle? Spotty, horrible circles. I want to go and walk and walk. I want to go and run also but I don't have time to go gym. I want to go gym on weekday mornings because there is nobody there to watch me exercise except my own reflection in the mirror.
I know I can't expect anybody, what's more him, to come out with me or bow down to my requests and that would be stupid. And I know that he will feel guilty after reading this freaking post but like I said, I don't care anymore because what's the point of caring and thinking and minding.
And how come the older I get, the more moodswings I have?
And it really really suck knowing that I can make him angry even when we're only friends. And I don't know if he's angry or not, but he's pissed for sure. Is pissed equals to angry?
And I'm a horrible person. You all should stop reading this blog and post comments like "You suck!" and " I won't come back here again!"

No no, don't do that last thing! I depend on you all coming back here to read!

I think I'll stay back in school late a couple more days again just to get things done and watch some more campus concerts or something. At least they take my mind off stuff and give me something else to do besides facing the books.

And it SUCKS ok! Sucks knowing that I can't have his heart. And it doesn't suck knowing that I won't have anybody else's heart. And it sucks watching couples hold hands and kiss and laugh together like at the airport today. I've taken to watching them and thinking that they're stupid to go into a relationship and then laugh at them in my head. Especially for married couples, I laugh at them louder for stupidly going into a marriage. haha.

And it sucks going on the bus almost every freaking day alone. Actually it isn't so bad going home alone. Don't have to start conversation and I can sleep. Usually I spend the whole 1.5 hour trip sleeping from one end to the other.

And I want to close my room door with nobody at home and cry very very loudly until I feel better. And I'm a weakling and cannot handle problems. And I'm not like him can take everything in and still be able to live. I'd probably explode after taking in 1/1,000,000 of what he took in from everybody around him. And I'm sorry I had to contribute to part of that 1,000,000. But what do I care? But I'm sorry anyway. Sorry, SH.

And everything is my fault! I hate myself.

I need to go run.

I don't want to go school.
[/rant]

Thanks for (pretending) to read through all of that.