I did my calculations

Ok, I calculated already.

I have 48 hours to my physics paper and I have decided to give up on it. So let's say I get a C for it, that'd be 2.00, 4.5 for my GEM, 4.00 for the other 3 papers, that'd be 3.7 for this semester. If I take into consideration my current CAP score, this semester's CAP should be around 3.75, which is still alright.
On the other hand if I look at the extreme and say that I fail completely for physics (which would be a 0), my CAP would still be 3.55. Ok, so that's a drop of 0.25, but it still isn't too bad. I don't need a first class, remember. If I can even get to my 2nd upper it'd be a miracle already. Yeah, whatever. If I'm going to graduate with a 2nd class lower honours (if I'm going for honours at all), then what for score so close to 2nd class uppers and still can't get there. Ok, so should be fine, as long as I don't go below 3.50.

That day I told my mother that I'm sick of studying and suggested quitting. She said I ban tu er fei. Yar lor, so much money gone into my education and I want to give it all up. Just very tired of studying for exams. Everyday when I wake up I know that when I get through my education and go out to work, I will just be another person out there on the streets, in the train, on the bus. No matter how hard I work, I will be mediocre, there but barely there, good but not good enough to be noticed. Then I see others who hardly have to work but get there so easily and I wonder what is the use of it all. All my life I am seen as a possible potential, and that's just it. A possible potential.

My life goes too well for me. Because of that, I am incredibly weak. Decisions don't have to go through me before they are made, sometimes I don't even know decisions are being made. Sometimes I wish I am born a male because people seem to pay more attention males. People don't mind if they curse or are rough, but because I'm a female, I can't curse out loud. If I do, people think that I am odd, my parents scold me for cursing but not my brother. Maybe if I'm born a male I wouldn't be so weak, but that's crap, isn't it? Maybe if I'm born a male people will listen. That's rubbish. What do I say that is not rubbish? What do we say that doesn't not make sense? It'd be nice if I were a male and I don't have to shave my legs or anywhere else except my face. It'd be nice to be able to wear oversized clothes, any pair of jeans, any pair of shoes and just head out without people staring at you. It'd be nice to just stick to flats and slippers and sandals and proper shoes instead of stupid heels which I can't wear because it makes my knees hurt. It'd be nice to just have to have a few pairs of shoes instead of the need to have 2 pairs of slippers, 1 casual lousy sandals, 1 pair of not so lousy sandals, 1 pair of casual heels, 1 pair of formal heels, 1 pair of court shoes, 1 pair of running shoes, 1 pair of proper heels and a dozen pairs of sandals/shoes/heels-that-are-so-fashionable-right-now. It'd be nice if people don't stare at me and comment about my skin when they see me, then tell me how lousy it is and what I should do about it, ask me what I have done about it, what products I have used and me having to tell them the entire life story about my skin. It'd be nice to have my hair short and save on the amount of shampoo being used. It'd be nice if I were a male and be able to have sex without the fear of how society would look at you, plus there is no sign that you've lost your virginity!

Maybe if I'm a male my parents would let me go out at night. Ironically maybe if I'm a male, I'd learn how to cook. I want to, but I never do have the chance. Mum will probably laugh at me and then there's the fact that the maid around. I hate having maids around the house because I feel extremely odd. Plus the fact that I don't like anybody touching and packing the books on my table. I can find my things very well, thank you very much. And I like to vacuum the floor and hang the clothes. All I do around the house is wash the dishes, which is very boring.

Then again, should everything be about me me and me? What about others?
Argh, education and self-reflection is depressing.

What's really irritating is the fact that this headache just won't go away and I keep sleeping because I can't do anything else. I think I slept more than 10 hours today. It's 10.20pm now, should I go sleep?