My role-model; Kept-in

JY is my role-model. The questions I posed her today are really those that I pose to myself but can't find the answer to, or perhaps I do know the answer but that I need people to tell me, to say it out. I need an "ideal answer" that I can look to, something to know whether or not I am right or wrong, what I should do and where I stand. My cousin's ability to use her head in things makes her a great role model for me because I am one who is very emotional.

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It was a name, twice. It was tears threatening to fall. It was hurt without the pain. Conditioned, but at peace. Can you imagine the intense jealousy? The constant ache? Knowing that it is so near, yet so far.

It is very easy to move me and also very easy to hurt me. It is very easy to play with me because I trust very easily. If you know how, you can use me for your means, then when you are done, you can throw me aside. If you are cold-hearted enough, my cries wouldn't harm you and the pain that you inflict would only be found on me.

It is the memories that bear the sweetness and the hurt. It was once physical but now something in the distance, or maybe not. It is everything at the same time. It is falling down, falling in, falling for.

It is a complicated business.

"We were once freer."

When I was 18, I lived in a bubble.
When I was 19, I forgot what it meant.
When I am 20, I am a kite - always free, but always bonded.

And it is now only words.