Pessimistic or down to earth?

When did I become so pessimistic about life? Or is it a case of being down-to-earth? Sometimes what life teaches about us is so contradictory. An example:

Don't get your hopes too high up or you'll get disappointed really easily.
Always have hope! It encourages you to live!

People keep saying that there will be someone out there for me and I keep looking at them and thinking that they are crazy because I don't believe that somebody is made or meant for us. Either you meet a person who is suitable, you profess your love, you get or don't get the person, or you don't meet anybody suitable at all. I don't understand why people will say that there is a person out there for each one of us. It's utter rubbish in my opinion. This doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all of you who showered me with comfort in this way when I needed it. I do appreciate all of your concern! =)

(I was discussing flimsy wardrobes with my father and he said that there's no need for such good wardrobes because in a few years I'll have to get married and move out and all that. It scared me, their frankness and expectations of me marrying. How do you tell them that you don't plan to marry? The current house will be given to my brother when he gets married and I know I have to save up to get my own place in the future, plus taking care of my parents. I mean it's fine if my parents live with my brother and his *ahem* future wife, but it'd be obtrusive for me to be there right? Damn, apartments are so darn expensive.)

Laugh at me. I think I hit a low in my life. * scratches head*

You know how people keep telling you that if you try hard enough at something, give it your best, you can achieve something really great? Or that each one of us is capable of achieving something really marvellous? Get a PhD, be a CEO, earn lots of money, stay in a luxurious place, own a car, earn your first million. I used to believe it. That if I worked hard enough I'd get whatever I want. But truth it sometimes however how hard you work you will still be stuck there. Some of us are just like that and I believe I happen to be one of those people. Unfortunately, years of socializing me into a competitive person who aims to give my best has made me unacceptable of failures. Ironically, I'm tired of being competitive and giving my best. Sometimes I feel utterly drained. I'm only 20, but I don't see what my life holds for me. There was a fellow student who said that she only wants to live until 40/50 years old, then she'll want to die. I asked her why and she said what's the use of living for so long. Now I understand that. I am not eager to enter the working world because I simply do not have the energy anymore to compete with anybody. Right now I only have to compete against myself and my mindset but look... Indeed the self is the worst enemy.

Why do some people rise so fast? Why are some people so smart? Why am I so slow in everything? Does the tortoise really win the race? Or does he get laughed at, like me?

Jenny asked why do I think so lowly of myself. She says next time when I look back I will find myself very funny to have thought this way. I think I understand what she means because sometimes when we look back at ourselves in the past, we wonder why we do and think in such silly manners.

But for now, sometimes sometimes, I want to sink into the ground and disappear, fall asleep and don't wake up. Other times I don't really think. I just stare blankly into my future, wondering what will happen. My dreams fell apart overnight. My sole aim of getting an honours seem so useless and pointless. I am only a cog in the machine of society, ultimately I'll get manipulated by others... Goodness, this is horrible. I cannot take failure, nor take the fact that others will manipulate me, especially when I don't try to resist and just submit. I need to resist and fight! But so much energy needed...

An empty canvas, waiting for the first stroke of the brush. The artist is free to paint what he/she wants, but even bringing the brush to the canvas is tiring.

Give me a little bit of encouragement.

For this semester's exams, so far I have 2 options. One, give up, get B for everything. Two, get A for the last two modules. I can't take failure. I choose the latter.