Paper and more

Statistics paper tomorrow, for which I think I am quite prepared, except for the fact that I left one tutorial in the school network, so have to go back to school to revise. It's held in that dreaded Kent Ridge Hall, for which the stats paper last semester was held at too. Let's just say I felt a bit like a tourist in my own school on that day last semester. And I was freaking seated at the front of the whole hall! Ok, so it was the second row from the front, but still it was a bit scary.

High expectations = high pressure/stress = stretched or broken rod possibility of blank out in exam hall.

Social psychology test on Wednesday. I'm a bit freaked out.

Then I'm free! =)

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I'll admit, I was in a very bad condition these few weeks. Actually I was already in that condition before that for some reasons but the stress of upcoming exams pulled me down further. I am suffering from low self-esteem and loneliness and I suspect bordering on mild depression. It's horrible. Every time I read something related to sadness or the likes I wanted to cry. I'm still feeling that. I felt completely useless, wasted. I could not see what I was going to do with my life. In a way I am a perfectionist, in a way a high-achiever in my own world and I cannot take failure or anything along that line. I was also having mood swings despite the fact that I wasn't have my period or going to have it, for that matter. I was happy for one moment and inexplicably upset the next. I did contemplate suicide because I saw no meaning in life. I flared up over small matters or for no reason. Right now I'm on the okay side for the moment because I was reading a book titled "I am not mad!", a book which focuses on psychological issues. It's set in the local context so I could identify with it. It helped me slightly. Not to mention that I just woke up from a nice nap. Now I'm afraid that I would feel that way before the papers tomorrow and on Wednesday. It's not easy trying to keep my spirits up and now I'm seeing things differently. Where I once found no problems with looking on the bright side of things or talking myself out of moods or thinking reasonably, I am finding it very difficult right now. Maybe it's because of the additional stress with examinations and all. I wonder if my cousin noticed. =) I thought it was a bit too obvious that I couldn't give her my opinion properly these few months. Isn't it ironic that this post sounds logical, though? This is a good sign.

Please pardon me though if my posts sound melancholy and upset because this blog is a way I let out my feelings. I think it has been that way for a while, though, hasn't it? =) Thanks to all of you and my friends who kept on reading even though the sad posts must have frustrated some no end. It is your support that has kept me going. I have to keep on going. It is not me to be a pessimist or be like this. I suppose that's why it scared me really badly, no joke, and left me completely helpless as to what to do or who to turn to.

But really, really, thanks, all of you.