I'd like to share something

I had very intense feelings for somebody before. Feelings that were very, very important to me. During that time I wrote a lot of things down somewhere else. Reading through it was like going back in time, yet it also felt like it wasn't me, as if I were reading another person's journal and her thoughts. It's a very special place to me and very important as well because it was my outlet. I would like to share some things there with you all, some things I wrote. Stuff that seem so sweet it didn't seem possible I wrote it, stuff that I don't remember anymore and just more stuff.

The following post was in a letter format written last year, for him but which was never meant to be read by him. Some sections I cut off because I'm not comfortable with revealing, but here is most of the post:

Hi,

So many things are happening to you, but none of it I can be a part of, none of it I can share it with you, none of it you would tell me only. I am "part of the crowd". Out there and not noticed. A once was. Where are you now? What are you doing? How are you? I hope you are really fine and really happy. Today it hit me really bad that you are not by my side anymore. Without you, I feel as if a part of me is lost. I haven't seen you in only a week, but why does it feel so much longer. Do you notice my absence?

I hurt inside and I think it would be some time before I can see you or talk to you again for fear that if I make contact with you, I will only bring you more hurt and burden. I wish to see you, though. Want to see you without you seeing me. I want to walk behind you without you knowing. I want to see you smile and you scrunching up your face. Want to see you eating, see you in that polo, see you doing your homework, just to see you walking would be enough too. I want to see you so much. I'm aware all this is too much to ask for, so imagining it all in my mind is enough.

I wish you well.

Some entries are just hurting and sad because I hurt myself in many ways. Even now, I don't know if I should show an entry as such here for several reasons, but I've decided and here is one:

I broke my own heart.

It hurts. So I just force myself to swallow it down. And swallow. And swallow. And swallow. Until I can't feel anything. Until I automatically push it down without conscious effort. It's a conscious effort to smile and to talk, it's easier to keep quiet.

Then I start to lie, there's a need to lie and lie I do. I wonder if in the future I'd be able to tell the truth from the lies.

And if my heart will stop being numb. I know the pain is there, but I just can't feel it except for an ever present heaviness.

Enclosed in my little own world, with a hard casing. Protect me.

Most of the times, it was plain missing - with doubts:

Missing him or just the memories? I haven't seen him online or in person in ages... Where are you? Are you hiding from me? I am jealous. I want to see you and talk to you. I miss your smile and laughter. I miss feeling you sitting by me.

Do I miss you or just the memories? Where are you?

There were a lot of doubts, really a lot. That period of time was truly terrifying. I doubted everything - my worth, my right to live, my ability in my studies etc. I was stressed in school, I was very upset. You can't imagine how deep it is until you've truly experienced it. It wasn't easy. It wasn't only about him, it was about a lot of things. I learnt a lot from that period of time and I'm still learning. Very rarely now I lapse back though sometimes I do. Like I said before, I enjoy being normal because it's really beautiful.

Some entries were just childishly funny:

I miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him.

Time for schoolwork.

That's all I'll show. Thank you for reading through. =)