JC gathering - farewell meal

Just got back from dinner with JC classmates at N.Y.D.C. , a farewell meal for Poyan before she leaves for Hong Kong for her studies.

Food matters first. BH said the spaghetti wasn't nice and I think the oven-baked rice was better than that at the pizza-hut-lookalike place (can't remember the name) though I think the one at pizza-hut-lookalike was supposed to be better. Baked rice are always somehow too cheesy for me, but I chose it anyway because I wanted to challenge myself and also because it was one of the cheapest things there. Anyway I won't be dining there frequently because I didn't find anything special there. Heard the mudpies are good though. Maybe should try that, and only that, another time.

Classmates hardly changed, all look the same and behave the same. Nothing much to say, really. Maybe a tad disappointed with how conversations went with some of the closer friends. A bit cold, if you know what I mean. Most probably because I haven't seen them for some time and we have been living different lives, you know. *shrug* Nothing new. People come, people go, people change. Sometimes I think SH is very right, that group living is very tiring.

There's one thing about the meeting I'd very much like to mention though. There was this male classmate of mine with whom I was on quite good terms with in JC, but then things went awry. I just kind of ignored him for no reason. Actually there was a reason, but I can't really remember it and I don't think it was his fault much either. In any case I never talked to him again for quite a long time, during a period in JC and even after graduation. Not one word. I really regretted what I did and really wanted to initiate a conversation with him, but I just couldn't do it, cannot not even look at him. He seems to have the same reservations about me too because he never looks at me nor talk to me. I have this feeling that he thinks I (still) detest him and wants to avoid me.

So today we were seated in 2 rows facing each other and very coincidentally he sat opposite me. Initially he was sitting opposite Cindy who was just by my side. The seat in front was empty and I knew he just didn't want to sit there because of me. I just kept quiet. It's one of those few things that I actually don't have any courage to overcome - just speaking to him. It's like you're already so firmly stuck in mud that you can't make a move. So he sat in front of Cindy, an empty seat between him and Ping Yong, another male classmate. It was odd to say the least. But later, Poyan and her boyfriend came along so he shifted to sit opposite me instead.

Throughout the 2 hours we were seated there, I never talked to him except to steal a few glances. I didn't know how to start a conversation with him and I felt like... like it's not right for me to just suddenly talk cheerily to him after all these years of silence. Not sure how to explain it. Ok, to me it is like... what I am doing is that I decide when he should have the right to talk to me and when he should not. Get me? I owe him an apology and an explanation, but I don't know how to go about doing it. All these years it never occurred to me that I could apologize to him until today when I suddenly saw him again. It is only now that I realized how much I owe him, this male classmate who once had been a relatively good friend. See how I destroy friendships or for that matter, any kind of relationships?

Close to 3 years of silence. Already at ease with it. How to break down that barrier? Can it be done? 3 years and a friendship lost because of one naive action.

Coincidentally, his initials are also SH.