Touched

Today, 5 minutes into Tuesday, I almost cried. Not because I am sad, but because I am touched.

Touched by the presence of love and friendship, touched by the meaning of saying "welcome home" to a friend and touched by art.

It's been a while. It felt right. It felt like I am home.

Life from death

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It has been 2 weeks 4 days since Cheston passed away and 2 weeks 2 days since the last entry, which said I would be archiving this blog. I tried doing it, but could not bring myself to do so - could not put my classmate's death in the backroom. It does not do him or the effect his death has on me, on us, justice.

His death is not an end, his death has revived feelings and thoughts in me. His death is but a beginning, a source of life in itself because his death has taught us to appreciate, taught us a different way of viewing things around us. So how can I put a death from which life and inspiration has come forth, into the backroom where it will hardly be read and likely forgotten? How can I cultivate life from a hidden source pushed into the depths of memory? When a good person dies, we don't forget that person. We always remember that person and what he stood for. We don't just learn from life and the living, we learn from death and the dead.

As such, I have decided to continue blogging in this present blog and try not to archive unless necessary because Cheston's death made me realize how much a person can be. For every post I write after the ones on his death, for every day I live after, I want to remember the reason why he made it this far. It was not just talent he had, it was passion.

He was a musician, a guitarist, a drummer, a music teacher. Seems as if his teaching did not just end there. Unintentionally, he probably taught more people with his death than he had while he was giving music lessons. Unintentionally, he was a teacher to the very end.

I hope I can live my life half as well as you did yours, Cheston. I hope I can muster enough heart, enough passion to do what I want and must, as you did.

When a good and young person dies, his life is not lost completely. It implants itself inside those around him - his family, those who knew him well and those who simply knew him. I hope his family and his closest friends find the courage to live their lives well, I hope they allow their love for him to drive them on, I hope they heal.

Where there is death, there is life.

Cheston's wake; End

So many people waiting for the lift to go up, so many of his friends. We walked up 5 storeys, reached the Regency. Packed with people. We had to wait outside for people to leave before we could go in. A few wreaths stood outside the door -

"... your beloved son, Cheston"
"... the late Cheston"

Late.

The place was so packed. Mr Cheng and a couple of other teachers were there. Mr Sng was not there, Ms Charlotte Chua was pregnant and not feeling well so she did not come, Mrs. Alice Teo was not present as well and she did not reply Ping Yong's SMS.

We finally got some seats and waited for the rites to stop before all of us went to pay our respects. So many people in the row waiting to offer joss sticks, so many more behind us, so difficult not to cry. When it came to us, 4 of us, Ben, Ping Yong, Esther and I first paid our respects then we walked to the side. After a bit we crowded around the coffin.

He was lying in there with a black blazer and AJ tie. There was a pearl between his lips. His skin had grown dark in places and his lips were too. He lay in that seemingly small yellow-coloured coffin. He was so tall and thin, how could he have fit in? His framed picture was in front of him, framed with flowers. There was a guitar and a pair of drumsticks on top of the coffin, another 2 guitars by the sides, the latest one on his left, an electric guitar bought barely a week ago.

There are many versions of his death, the one I heard is from Jeremy, one of his closer friends. Saturday night/Sunday morning he had supper with a friend, at 3 am he went to bed. Sunday 12 noon saw his grandmother knocking on his door but there was no reply, so she did not disturb him. At 4 pm, she found it a bit weird and called relatives to come over and open his locked door. His whole family was overseas. That was when they found him. They know that it is asthma, but I have no news of how they knew it was that. I do not know how the expired inhaler fit into the story, I do not know if he was holding it or not, but whether or not he used it, it would have been no use. A totally unexpected asthma attack, childhood asthma, heard that he have not had an attack since secondary school. The report for when his attack occurred and how long it lasted is not yet out and might take approximately a month or so.
SMSes were sent out from his phone by Cheston's friend Ching Lee, telling all about the news. Disbelieves, questionings, calls, replies to the SMS pleading for Cheston to tell them it is just a joke. Tears, tears and more tears.

me: I keep thinking it is not real, like he will jump up and say "haha! It is just a joke!"
Jeremy: I wish it would happen, funny as it is, I really wish it would happen.

His mother looks so tired, bursting into tears at times and having to take care of so many people. I didn't see his father, Jeremy says his father is positive so far. His friend, Ching Lee, looks as upset and tired as the mother, and his girlfriend of a month...

We left soon after that because there are people starting to stream in again and the place was small.

I walk, I breathe, I walk, I eat, I complain, I smile. I think, all these things I can do he can no longer do. I see others laughing and some complaining, some wishing to die and I think how he must not have wanted to die. I think of those who waste their life away, and I think of how passionate he was towards his music. We can study, do the things we love, be with the people we love, see them, have them see us, laugh with them, laugh at us, throw tantrums. All these things we can do, all these things we take for granted. I see people my age around me in school and I feel indignant. Why are they living, why am I living, when such a passionate person is gone?

Jin Wei told me today I seemed a little angry, a little less polite, rough. I realize I had unconsciously transferred my thoughts into action. I had seen my those around me and my group mates so happy, see us with what we have and I wonder if they, we, all know how lucky we are to be living a life when he has passed away unwillingly. How much we can do, can we do better than what he might have done if he were still here? Would we make it more worthwhile than him?

Questions. Illogical questions with no answers.

I'm not that close to him, either I have accepted it or it's so surreal I cannot accept it. I believe to some of us he's somehow still here with us, not really gone.

This is the last post for this chapter. Inside, something has ended. I don't know what will happen from now, what will happen to this URL. I'll see you all soon.

*hugs* Thank you all so much. Every one of you reading this has made this blog what it is today, from a mere 10+ readers per day to 50+. Thank you for all your encouragement, my friends, thank you for reading through when I was writing rubbish to when I was emotionally down in the dumps. I hope I was entertaining enough, I hope you all enjoyed reading and I hope to see you all soon. Somewhere in this virtual world.

In memory of Cheston Chik,
16 September 1986 - 21 October 2007.
Always loved and remembered.

In denial

All our classmates mourning

It don't make sense. It don't seem real. He's too real, too recent, too young to be gone.

I've been staring at my textbook for the past hour or so and I have only gone through 2 pages. I can't concentrate. My insides are a total mess after knowing that Cheston had died because of an asthma attack and an expired inhaler. That suffering!

The thought that kept popping into my mind was why did he not check that his inhaler was still usable. Why why why? If he had, it would have been alright, he would have been with us still. I know it's wrong to keep saying this, to keep talking about it. Like Nasrul says, we all do shit, and only when shit really happens that we all regret. Logically speaking, it does no help to keep thinking about it, to harp on it, to blame him for his own death. I know full well how pointless it is and how thoughtless. He did not want to die I'm sure, so how can I blame him? Who am I to even talk about this? Think of the accidents that occur and the deaths that result from them, are they not also of one slight error? Forgetting to look across the shoulder or a tired night. Please don't scold me or think that I am heartless. It is just something that keeps on running through my mind and it bugs me no end. I imagine what he must have been thinking when he realized the inhaler had expired, what he must have felt, the fear and anxiety, the regret and his many wishes.

And I feel scared for him.

It don't fit in. It's like this is a joke, only that it isn't. I keep expecting the next moment for one of my friends to tell me that he had just woken up in hospital, took one sudden breath of air and woke up.

This afternoon I saw Eng Wen in the computer lab and on impulse told him the news. I started crying. I don't even know why the tears were there, it just flowed as I told him. I haven't felt so sad in some time.

Cheston, I really hope there was no pain for you then and I hope there is no pain where you are now. You used your life well and have brought us a lot of laughter and fun, we will always remember that. Know that you are loved and always will be loved.

Tomorrow I'll be going for his wake and I will blog about it, then... we'll see if this blog is still here. I think it's time to archive.

RIP, Cheston

A classmate of mine from AJC passed away in his sleep. Not sure what time, but probably last night. He was a guy full of energy and dreams and passion and lots and lots of laughter. I don't understand why it is that he died just like that and why is it him.

Rest in peace, Cheston. I'll always remember you, all of us will.

Jeremy's 21st birthday

Happy 21st Birthday, Jeremy!

You're a great friend to have,
a great musician to play with,
and a budding artist.
It is a pleasure to have known you,
played and studied with you.
Ok, maybe not the study part. =P
In any case, here's wishing you good health
and, cliche as it sounds,
May your dreams come true.

Adult already, remember don't procrastinate too much hor!

It was Jeremy's 21st birthday party today. His birthday really is on Monday. Met YZ at her house, which was the block right beside his, first before going over together. We were trying to decide what to write on the nice perfumed-and-spotted-with-little-hearts-here-and-there bear card. By the way, I bought the card from shop "Specky 'n' Frenz". Cards have horrible english, but design was too interesting to resist. YZ said later that I was screaming in her room. I refuse to admit to that. I just happen to have a loud voice. Feel embarrassed for the possibility of having shocked YZ's grandmother and aunt by being very loud in her room. I hope they don't ban her from meeting me in the future.

One other thing to mention before moving on to the birthday party. YZ speaks to her grandmother entirely in Chinese while her grandmother speaks to YZ entirely in hokkein. I found it immensely amusing and was grinning all the way. I spoke to her grandmother in halting hokkein. Been a long time since I used a dialect properly. There's something special about speaking in a dialect that I really like. Maybe it's because a lot of young people have since lost the knowledge of a dialect, or maybe it is just me being nostalgic.

50 minutes of excruciating pain, caused by deciding what to write on the card and conversing with Pearlin on the phone, later, we finally headed to Jeremy's block. His party covered 3 levels - the void deck where the food is, and the other 2 levels of his house. I saw AJ band people there but didn't opt to join them partly because I didn't want YZ to feel left out and also partly because I don't mix quite well with them. Instead, I waved a brief hi to them, got our food, very accidentally found my class people at a table behind a pillar and joined them. Am glad that YZ wasn't bored by our incessant chatter. She said that she was entertained by them, which I could understand because they were really very funny.

Ping Yong: Actually I once tried to read the dictionary.
us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.................
Ping Yong: But I gave up in the middle of "A".
Cheston: You actually read till the middle of "A"! You say "Z", I still can accept, but section "A" is quite big leh!
us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.................
Ping Yong: But after I read, I've forgotten everything.
Cheston: hahaha, yar, I can tell, because you haven't used more "A" words when talking to me.

Jie Qi, Jiemin and Pearlin finally arrived and I hung around with them.

JQ: ok, we give this (at this point she indicates the number $28 with her fingers, one hand 2 fingers, the other 3)
Pearlin: this lah (indicates some number with her fingers)
YZ: like that ah? (indicates more numbers with her fingers)
me: (Blinking rapidly) oi, can you all slower or not? I need to count the fingers leh.
JQ: ...
JQ: Wah lao, you speak a different language lah! You're not supposed to count! (shows me the fingers again)
me: (Looks blankly for a bit) Oh, 28 ah? Haha, I thought is 5...

Jeremy finally herded us up to his place. We first headed up to his room to place Pearlin's stuff and was greeted by a whole sea of AJ band faces in his very tiny room.

Individually, the people in this group are mostly nice people, but as a group, they are really quite intimidating. Group cognition. Sometimes I am very irritated by them because they have the habit of excluding people who are not with them. I think I simply don't fit in, not only with them but also with AJ band as a whole.

Anyway, I very quickly entered and exited the room a couple of times to put and retrieve some stuff (including the large card) without making eye contact with anybody except for Jocelyn who was helping me. Then the 4 of us settled down on the stairs and assured Jeremy that we were very comfortable where we were, as long as nobody goes down and nobody goes up. Only problem now is that we became our own obstacles when wanting to walk down the stairs. Ok, only I was walking around, so they were my obstacles. Settled some gift stuff with Jiaxing and Elim who were both not present at the party and then spent most of the time watching Campus Superstar. There was a lot of dissatisfaction about the young boy winning.

Finally it was time to take pictures with the birthday boy. Weird thing was that we took pictures before we sang the birthday song. Anyway the cake was awesome. It was not just one cake, it was many cakes...

... many cup-cakes.

FYI, all of them were made by his mother and decorated by his sister. Awesome creativity in the family. His mother do sells cakes too, so if you would like to have those cupcakes for some event or a cake for a birthday, you might want to consider contacting them. Heh, but I'm afraid you would have to go through me first. Not that I'm earning fees but because I have no idea how to contact the mother directly or what is the usual route of communication. I'll simply tell Jeremy, who will then ask his mother. So, email me!

I am in 3 of the pictures they took - SPU, class and band.

Then we sang him his birthday song. The particular group of AJ band people were all stuck upstairs and didn't come down to sing. Instead, they sang upstairs and Kailin took a video of them that way. I thought it was really quite rude of them and who knows it might have hurt Jeremy in a way, but that's not for me to say because if he think that it's fine then so be it. It is his house, his room and his party.

It was 11pm when we decided to leave. Had a great time there with Pearl, YZ, Jie Qi and Jiemin. Best thing is we didn't take a single picture together using our phones. Great. I'll only meet Pearl and YZ again only don't know how long later.

Kailin, Jeremy's girlfriend, was exhausted. It was all over her face. It was so sweet of her to help out. When I left, I told her to take care and rest well, then told Jeremy that he had better repay her. He replied yes of course, will do it now and then proceeded to hug her =D

Gosh, I'm so envious of them! Yet as I look at them, I realize that I am unable to envision myself in that kind of scenario, as part of a normal couple. It seems so natural to be the way I am now that once again, the idea of being in a relationship thrills yet scares me immensely. Yes there is the yearning to have somebody special at last, somebody I can depend on (does it actually even exist?) but I am also oddly glad that I am single, free of the need to deal with the complicatedness of the dynamics between a couple. Maybe, just maybe, I'm meant to be like this.

Now I'm home and blogging and it's 2.30am. Sigh. I sleep later and later every weekend.

Question; no longer there

Father to me after I asked on the phone if the maid has cooked dinner,

Why? Your boyfriend bringing you out to eat ah?

For once I wish some guy would hit on me, face-to-face.
*looks in mirror* Very unlikely it would happen. Sigh.

---------------------------------
YZ messaged me just now asking if I'll be attending AJCSB's concert. Concert? What concert? I asked, Can give me the details? Later on I got to know through Jeremy that there's supposed to be an alumni outing on that day too. Alumni outing? I didn't even know that there's a concert, nevermind the outing.

Frankly, I'm a bit not happy about it because I was not informed about anything at all, as if I'm not even in the alumni, not part of the band. YZ said that it might be because they have not announced it to everybody yet and she might be very true. That thought did cross my mind. Actually even if there were no outing I wouldn't have gone to watch the concert. Even if they asked if I want to go for the outing, I wouldn't want to go. For a long time now, my heart is already not with AJ band. Deep down inside I'd already known it but I was not willing to admit it. Today, I finally admitted to the fact and I felt quite relieved.

I still feel something for the percussion section of the bands (Secondary and JC) that I were in and feel something for my secondary school band and alumni band. However I don't think I could have bothered as much what happened to my JC band as to the other two bands. Do note that being attached to the percussion section says nothing about how I feel about the band. Somehow me and them are in two different dimensions and it wouldn't matter one bit whether or not I bother. Of course there are some people there whom I really respect and like, but for the others, how they treat me is how I treat them - invisible. It isn't something that's only now, it's something that has already been happening since JC, only that with time, people just drift further apart.

My heart is no longer there. Not too long ago I was still willing to devote my heart, but they killed it.

Back - past days

Apologies for having been gone. While I've been silent, I got in touch again with the past inside me. I miss blogging, but blogging can reveal the most private parts of your life. Writing seems to be a way out for me, yet sometimes also seems to be a path to destruction. Somebody asked me that day, "Weren't you mature in JC?"
"No," I told him, "I wasn't." I still aren't now. It would probably take me a lot longer than others to do so, but thank you for those who have been marvelously patient.

28th February 2007, Wednesday

I needed a break. Wondered if things will be different after this, will things change.

1st March 2007, Thursday

I survived.

2nd March 2007, Friday

What would you like to hear first?

My sister's got my brother's old handphone, a better phone than mine. Don't know why she would need one but she has got one.

--------------------
Went back to AJ for a farewell party for our band teacher-in-charge, Mdm Foo, who's retiring. Things were alright. We had catered dinner/buffet, a short performance by Jeremy, Zhi Xiang and Desmond, a short presentation for Mdm Foo, the presentation of gifts for her and a cake. I was... where I was. Kind of wish I didn't go back because I don't really like gatherings or socializing. Thank goodness Jeremy, Jin Yue and another girl was there. They made my non-existence a little more bearable. Just kidding. Sometimes I think that these kinds of things should just be for the leaders. But it was very sweet of Joel to organize this whole thing.

Saw the J1s from first 3 months in their secondary school uniforms and it brought back so many memories. I don't know a single of them now. The band is so small now with barely 40 people altogether. The band room hasn't changed much. The red carpet's still there, dirty as ever, and the wall mural is still there.

The school hasn't changed much either. Save for the canteen where they reorganized the seats and put in more seats behind the canteen itself (beside the toilets), as well as the barrier at the main gate, things look pretty much the same. Buildings look the same, parade square still there (haha), lockers still the same. It was odd to be walking the corridors again and I really felt like walking back to the locker I had, the one near the very end. I saw Mr Sng, my physics teacher, but didn't go up to say hi. He looks the same still. I reckon I still look about the same.

I walked to the bus interchange alone. Hadn't walked that route since I went back to take my A-level results 2 years ago but my feet knew the way. It was like going home from school after band practice again. I crossed the same traffic light and the same pedestrian crossing. It was odd to be taking 72 again. My feet really knew the way.

Throughout, I was thinking.

--------------------
My friend's parents are getting divorced. I shan't say who it is because I think the person would rather keep it private. I was shocked, I still am. Thought about the future, would there be more divorces in Singapore? If I'm not wrong, the numbers are already increasing.

I wish that my friend will be fine and be strong.

--------------------
Brother received his A-level chinese results. A horrid D.

3rd March 2007, Saturday

It is a good day. Went to Eugene's house, lo-hei, watched my cousins, uncle and brother play mahjong. I survived.

First baby step

I... haha.

Unexpectedly happy. Happiness as thought it is SH who talked to me on MSN, as though it was in the past again. Only that it isn't him this time round. Remember this guy I talked about? His initials are also SH. I finally initiated conversation with him on MSN and he replied! Thank you for talking so fluidly, so easily as though it's been only days since we last talked and not years, thank you for not ignoring me when I approached despite my actions. The conversation didn't last very long but I'm really, truly happy to have taken that first step. A lot of things are about first steps and I'm glad to have typed that "hello". Now when will I be able to say that "sorry"?

JC gathering - farewell meal

Just got back from dinner with JC classmates at N.Y.D.C. , a farewell meal for Poyan before she leaves for Hong Kong for her studies.

Food matters first. BH said the spaghetti wasn't nice and I think the oven-baked rice was better than that at the pizza-hut-lookalike place (can't remember the name) though I think the one at pizza-hut-lookalike was supposed to be better. Baked rice are always somehow too cheesy for me, but I chose it anyway because I wanted to challenge myself and also because it was one of the cheapest things there. Anyway I won't be dining there frequently because I didn't find anything special there. Heard the mudpies are good though. Maybe should try that, and only that, another time.

Classmates hardly changed, all look the same and behave the same. Nothing much to say, really. Maybe a tad disappointed with how conversations went with some of the closer friends. A bit cold, if you know what I mean. Most probably because I haven't seen them for some time and we have been living different lives, you know. *shrug* Nothing new. People come, people go, people change. Sometimes I think SH is very right, that group living is very tiring.

There's one thing about the meeting I'd very much like to mention though. There was this male classmate of mine with whom I was on quite good terms with in JC, but then things went awry. I just kind of ignored him for no reason. Actually there was a reason, but I can't really remember it and I don't think it was his fault much either. In any case I never talked to him again for quite a long time, during a period in JC and even after graduation. Not one word. I really regretted what I did and really wanted to initiate a conversation with him, but I just couldn't do it, cannot not even look at him. He seems to have the same reservations about me too because he never looks at me nor talk to me. I have this feeling that he thinks I (still) detest him and wants to avoid me.

So today we were seated in 2 rows facing each other and very coincidentally he sat opposite me. Initially he was sitting opposite Cindy who was just by my side. The seat in front was empty and I knew he just didn't want to sit there because of me. I just kept quiet. It's one of those few things that I actually don't have any courage to overcome - just speaking to him. It's like you're already so firmly stuck in mud that you can't make a move. So he sat in front of Cindy, an empty seat between him and Ping Yong, another male classmate. It was odd to say the least. But later, Poyan and her boyfriend came along so he shifted to sit opposite me instead.

Throughout the 2 hours we were seated there, I never talked to him except to steal a few glances. I didn't know how to start a conversation with him and I felt like... like it's not right for me to just suddenly talk cheerily to him after all these years of silence. Not sure how to explain it. Ok, to me it is like... what I am doing is that I decide when he should have the right to talk to me and when he should not. Get me? I owe him an apology and an explanation, but I don't know how to go about doing it. All these years it never occurred to me that I could apologize to him until today when I suddenly saw him again. It is only now that I realized how much I owe him, this male classmate who once had been a relatively good friend. See how I destroy friendships or for that matter, any kind of relationships?

Close to 3 years of silence. Already at ease with it. How to break down that barrier? Can it be done? 3 years and a friendship lost because of one naive action.

Coincidentally, his initials are also SH.