To not see, to see, to not understand

Dear Diary,

Today I was packing stuff into boxes. So many things to pack! Never knew I owned so many items. Tomorrow or Monday is the last day in this place. It's kind of amazing, I feel as if that day will never come. It seems so far away.

I was packing, even before I was packing, I could feel it coming. It is despair, emptiness, loneliness, aimlessness. It is something like this. I'm not sure why I've been feeling this way recently because I don't recall feeling this way in the past. There don't seem to be a way to control it, it comes and leaves as it pleases and yet I know I have the power over it, that it cannot come unless I allow it to, so I must have allowed it in sometime today.

When it strikes, I feel all odd. YW says it sounds normal to him, what I'm feeling. Really? I am surprised but somehow glad. I want to know that I am normal and that there is a way to counter it. When it strikes... how do I show you all the images I see? Or the images I don't see? How do I show you the road my mind walks down, the light grey of it? How do I convey the sense of helplessness within, the lack of will to live, the dread to live and the lack of desire? Will you make sense of the thought within me to mark myself with a blade, to remind myself that I am worthless and merely a tiny creature upon this world, amongst others so great and so powerful, that I should not think the world revolves around me? Words don't suffice. Even after the relatively lengthy conversation with YW, it doesn't feel as if I have painted the picture sufficiently for him, yet there are some parts that he is spot-on. Maybe words don't have to suffice, maybe you all understand what I'm talking about.

Right now I'm savouring the feeling of being "normal", of not thinking too much and when it is not here. It feels good, though I wonder at the wonder (haha, words) of the human mind to make sense of what is around them, to convince themselves that this life is worthwhile and to live a dream while being seemingly down-to-earth.

We were talking a bit about dreams. He has his dreams, I... don't currently have any. Not because I don't want to, but just that I don't have any. Maybe I am afraid of being let down, or maybe I just don't see the point. I tell him maybe I should try going overseas (though I will puke), he says I can still find my sky in Singapore. Aimless, I reply, what's the point? Perhaps I am feeling this lost because I will be graduating soon and I have complete freedom over my future. It is scary. It seemed so far away, as if that day would never come.

Sometimes I envy SH and many others. Other times, I know I'll never be where they are. Build yourself an entire network of relations on the internet, maybe feel wanted in this virtual world, feel like you are appreciated, feel like you can do something properly, that you can make an impact. It dawned on me that there are people who will make it and there are those who won't. If everybody rises to the top, then who will be at the bottom? Am I wanting too much? Is this my dream? Mark me, remind me of who I am and who I will always be!

Do you see what I see? Do you see it? My childishness! I hate it!