Smaller "Black Hole"

OK, finished ranting a little last night. Some sleep plus a decision and I'm feeling better today. Now I feel a little more like last semester.

Have a good day today, people!

Black Hole

At times when I think I'm losing oneself, abandoning myself to despair, down the very road my father just warned me against...

There is a familiar light - warm and pure. It has a scent of the past, a taste of freedom, a glimpse of the ideal.

For a while I am immersed in the beauty of it all. It caresses my face, lifting the corners of my lips.

Tried to grab hold of it,
almost violently.
It slips past my fingers easily.

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I start to wonder what is this.
It might very likely be a strong need of control and affection. I'd do almost anything to get affection, even if it might very well be (very) short term, even if I know it is not healthy, even if I know it is not a solution, even if I know I am ruining a part of my life in this way.

I'm jealous, insanely jealous.

Attention seeker

Think I'm really an attention seeker at times. I'd do almost anything to get the attention I want, if I want it.

Sometimes I scare myself.

Why

There was this guy I was almost dating with once, not too long ago, (anyway all my relationships are almost(es).) and he sort of said, "Don't know how many guys you've slept with before..."

Part of me wanted to laugh because I was actually honoured - I don't find myself in any way attractive when compared to the average girl. Another part of me wanted to slide down and hide under the blankets (ahem, now where was I) in embarrassment both at the frankness of the topic and at the impression I must have given some people I know.

I give in easily to temptation. Really very easily. Sometimes when I'm in the mood I might flirt a little. Sometimes when I'm really in the mood I might do extreme flirting. Ah, but never once have I just slept with any other guy ok. Anyway...

Couple of days ago, a male friend asked me what would make a girl blowjob, how would she feel, and other specifics along this line. And I never realized until then, when I had to answer his question, what would make me do it, what it meant to me.

Only when I like the person and want to be closer to him. That is all.

It might change in future, but for now that would be the answer. Sometimes I really don't get one's stupidity.

Upset

Sometimes all I want is her. Closet bi-sexual. Or just desiring comfort?

Am feeling very upset and emotional for no particular reason at all. Perhaps because I can feel stress from school building up already.

Running

It is 1.30am. Why am I here?

Some girl stepped on my foot today while on my way to school and sheared my toe nail off. I limped home upstairs and was on the verge of tears. My father threw me a box of plasters, told me to stick it to my toe, let it be for a couple of days then it will drop off (the nail, not my toe). Then he said he was going to work and told me to remember to lock the door.

So much for sympathy.

That's not the point of this post. 2 hours before the girl got her shoe over my toe, I went jogging. Few years back, my knee was injured for some reason, stopping me from my twice/thrice weekly jogging regime. Ever since then, brief jogging episodes left me limping home. Today I got fed up with inactivity and missed jogging too much, so I put on my shoes and headed to the park. It was about 1km into the run when my knee started hurting slightly. By the end of 1.6km, I knew I had to stop putting pressure on it. I was already jogging at snail's pace. Imagine doing 1.6km in 20 minutes!

The sensation was gorgeous anyway, the feeling of solid ground under feet, moving at a constant rhythm, the breathing, the rawness of air going into my nose, rush of blood, perspiration... I'm glad I ran before my toe nail got ripped off.

For some time I tried swimming instead of running for that absence of pressure on knee but I can't quite stick to it. I'm no athlete, but between running and swimming, give me running anytime.

Flying

I have a fantastic urge to take a flight out of Singapore.

To see the world beyond Singapore. To fly, to train myself and prove to myself and others, so that nobody will look down on me.

Ok, go to bed liao. Very late.

Regret; males

Told a friend today - Don't do things, or not do things, that you will regret in future.

I wonder anyway, when we do things that we regret, is it not a learning experience? For it is because I have at least once regretted that I have learned to appreciate the full meaning of this sentence. Perhaps it is more a case of accepting your past mistakes and learning from them than anything else.

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It is harder nowadays to say "sorry". Harder nowadays to forget. Harder nowadays to trust men. Even harder to trust that I want to be near a guy because I like him and not because I just want some male comfort.

Ok, actually I just want some comfort. Why is it that we can't rest our heads on the shoulder of a male who's just a friend. I mean sometimes a guy's fun to hang out with and I feel comfortable, so sometimes I'm tempted to just give him a hug or lean on him for a bit, but as a friend and not because I feel affection for him in that way. It's the same way how I'd put my head on a female's friend shoulder or hold her hand or lean against her. But we can't do the same thing with guys, so I'm mostly reduced to patting their arms -_-'''
Talk about being touchy-feely.

Ok, maybe other people can do that but I find myself unable to although I want to. One reason of which is because I don't trust myself enough. I shall stop here.

Loss

For so long part of me wondered why I do what I did and all of a sudden today I have come to realize what a part of the reason is.

I think I have done almost everything, given almost everything. Maybe I have done insufficient or given wrongly because it seems as if nothing has changed and nothing will change.

From that moment I felt completely lost and heartbroken because I really don't know what else I can do. Nothing more in my hands, it is beyond my reach. That sudden realization of loss...

I guess this is it, isn't it.

Pyramid. Circle.

tstar is...

Exhausted.

What we become, what things become, what we see, what people notice (or don't), everything is built on everything else. Everything depends on everything. Everything is essential, even seemingly unimportant processes, because everything leads to something else, everything is the basis for something else. As such, what we have at hand, what we are given the opportunities to work with, they are all important - small, important steps leading to the larger picture. When we fail at one step, think it is unimportant, feel it is too troublesome to continue - it can pull down the next step, sometimes we cannot advance or we advance unsteadily and sometimes we simply give up.

But how much can I give? How much can I take? How much is too much? Is there a limit?

Imagining things to be in bite-size pieces makes things manageable. For a while it was easy to do that. Seemingly scary tasks become easily managed because everything was simply to look at what I have at hand, what I have control over and what I can do. Suddenly my options opened and my world was a lot bigger. There are a hundred possible ways to get to the same destination. Work, however, has seemed to revert me. Or perhaps over time, the need to maintain that outlook has decreased. Once-were obstacles are now obstacles again. Stress comes back - no more bite-size pieces. I'm starting to stutter (a hell lot more) again when I talk.

The new me was in control. The old me was lost and insecure. I don't like the old me.

Random note

I feel like I'm experiencing a permanent blogger's block. Oddly no desire to blog as well.

Am recently very busy. Regular work hours until 6pm after which I'm thinking of how to get more interviewees for the surveying part-time job. Sometimes I am compelled to watch anime just to relax and end up fixated on the screen for a couple of hours. Actually all I need is more sleep. Good night.

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I'm not sure where I'm heading in life. At times I wonder if it is because I have not been trying hard enough. I think it must be so.

Dread

Today I went to submit my particulars to the company I'd be working in the next month. 10 minutes into sitting in a meeting room and exchanging greetings with the HR lady, and I had this terrifying sensation of being trapped, of having sold my body and soul to this company for a month. I started feeling scared. I could imagine myself sitting at my desk, poring over piles of documents, matching the right ones together, staring at the computer screen typing in some figures and worst of all, returning to the office smelling like a food court.

It wasn't like the people were very bad. In fact, they sounded very nice. It was merely the thought of working in an office with regular hours, claustrophobic space, sitting at the desk for hours. It was the routine which scared me. As well as answering phone calls. A phone ring could send me into a frenzy from the fear of not knowing what to do. (How odd. Regularity and irregularity - they both scare me. Ah, the underlying reason is in the next sentence.) And the realization that this fear of not knowing what to do still exist, even though I thought I had long banished it to the depths of some black hole somewhere, just instills yet more fear and disappointment.

In short, I dread work before work starts. Not good.

Cheque from Nuffnang; random

Today my mother dumped a letter on my table.

I have received my cheque from Nuffnang! I was surprised because it took about a month and I was expected way longer than that. Anyway it comes in a nice envelope and opened (way too) easily. Was tempted to lick the seal again after smelling it. Don't ask why I was smelling it.

Today saw me splurging unexpectedly on a $14.40 taxi fare for which I now deeply regret. Well, at least this cheque can help me pay it off.

Can I blog more like, uh, tomorrow, instead? I know I've been absent from here for a really long time but right now I am nursing the heartache from having finished watching Nodame Cantabile (and the after effects of having my mind soaked in romance from the show. Like, when will I ever find some one?!).

So yar, ok, thanks, good night, see you.

Nodame Cantabile

1 episode was all it took to get me hooked on the anime series Nodame Cantabile. I finished 25 episodes in 2 days and felt extremely guilty after that for spending so much time on the computer.

Nodame Cantabile revolves around classical music, orchestras, performances and how students strive in their passion for music. At the end of the anime, I found an ache in my chest similar to the sadness we feel when a drama serial ends and we have to say goodbye to the characters we have grown so familiar to. The anime was so close to home for me that it brought back memories. There were times I could identify with it and times I wished I could.

Have you ever heard a really inspiring musician play? Although I've seen a couple of famous musicians play, the only one musician who left an impact on me is not famous. While watching the anime, I remembered her watching her play and how it had really touched me. Haha, I don't know if my mind was playing tricks on me, but her performance gave me goosebumps in a good way, something I've never really experienced before. That was the one and only time, the one and only performance to have moved me in that way. It might seem surprising if I told you she is probably my age and studying in NUS, playing in the Orchestra, as a violinist.

I wonder now if it was because I have had bare minimum contact with violins, which would explain why I was so astounded by that one performance.

In any case, I like that image I have in my mind of that evening I listened to her play on stage. Clear. Exciting. Moving.

Pre-officially-Year 4, Honours student, thoughts

Year 4 - Honours year.

For so long I've looked at the matriculation numbers of the other Year 4s before me, on the computer screens in NUS's computer labs, wondering if one day I'd be one of those matriculation numbers whom other students would look at and think "this is a Honours student's matriculation number".

For some reason, I feel really proud, though my results aren't anything to boast of. I started University full of hopes and completely naive. I've learned quite a bit in the 3 years here, things I know I'd need in order to further develop myself in the future. I've allowed myself to go through things I never thought I'd ever experience, things I would never be able to imagine. I know I still have a long way to go. However, I suspect Yan Wei will say I'm still that Stephanie who is still as easily mind-fucked. *shakes fist at Yan Wei*

I think I might cry when I log into CORS to bid for modules and see "Year 4" there (if it's written there), and it's not even my convocation ceremony!

I feel like I've waited so long to get to Honours year. Finally, I'm here. One final year. I don't want to let myself down.

Am I busy or not?

I don't know if I'm busy or not. I seem to be very free in the morning and afternoon, then I'll start getting busy in the evenings. My mother told me not to waste time and go get a job. I cannot stand not doing anything. In a way, I am a slight workaholic.

However, I am involved in preparation of NUS SAVE's Green Carnival, which at the moment is still very much in the discussion phase, as a member of the publicity committee. At the same time, I have been very much trusted to be the in-charge of the photography competition for this Green Carnival as well, although I have joined all but 1 week 3 days ago. Fortunately there will be guidance. I can't say I am unhappy at being tasked with it because it just allows me to have a taste of how it is all like, although knowing my organizing skills, I am very much apprehensive. In any case, I'll take it one step at a time and do my best. Give me your support ok!

Then there is handbells, with practices on Saturday and some shows on either weekday nights or weekends. And there's Singbellz Fest coming up and I'm in charge of ticketing, which should be alright.

At the same time I have taken up this job which allows me to perform it at my own free time, a kind of surveying job for a market research company. Done something like this before so should be alright.

There's also another random 4 days job somewhere in 3rd week of June.

But for now, I am without a day job, haven't had a single internship, money going out more than coming in and, to put it very simply in arzhou's words, I am feeling very useless. I am increasingly feeling like my degree is for naught and that I cannot apply what I have learned. I have not had a single job which allows me to apply what I have learned. The thing is sometimes I don't even remember what I have learned!

Was also rejected for the Research Assistant job which I was really very keen on. Really do not know for what reason I was rejected because I thought my chances of getting it were pretty high. Maybe they thought I'd be too busy since I'd be in Year 4, or I simply answered the interview questions badly. It is a little ironic because I was first invited to apply for the position, but then I understand there are other candidates. Oh well, it was a good morale booster.

Why don't you date?

I don't know. How about because I don't have any suitors?
Or how about because I don't wish to? Because I don't know how to.

I've wondered, does knowing how to date come naturally to everyone? People I know seem to fall so naturally into a relationship, knowing what to do and what not to do. Don't they fear doing something wrong? Don't they fear this is not going to turn out right? How do you know when to hold the person's hand, when to call him or what to talk to him about?

I look at couples in the trains/buses/everywhere quite fantastically, imagining if I were like them but never quite believing that I will ever be like them. I can imagine and wish to a certain extent, but I cannot believe I will ever be like them. I cannot imagine having a partner whom I am free to call, talk to, free to be myself in front of him. I simply don't know how that is like. The thought is heartwarming, cute and amusing but beyond my understanding. Don't you ever run out of topics to say? Don't you ever feel awkward? Now when I see somebody I fancy, my brain simply automatically switches into "It's not possible" mode which translates into bodily action read simply as "I'm not interested, not available, go away." I see somebody, think "he's cute, that's nice, it's not possible" then switch to "somebody's thrown a plastic bag away..."

I kind of wish I knew what it's like, having somebody with whom I have no lack of things to talk about, somebody who would hold hands with me, whom I can call when I am feeling down or happy or nervous. I kind of wish I knew what it's like, dating. I wish I knew what it's like, having that widely talked about "chemistry".

What a random post! OK! Going to prepare to head down to Esplanade to watch a Hand Bells performance by some group from U.S.A, with Pearlin and possibly Yiang Shan.

At least I know how it's like, standing on stage with a few hundred pairs of eyes staring at me!

I wish, I wonder

I wish global warming would stop.
I wish the ices weren't melting and polar bears aren't dying.
I wish humans weren't so destructive and selfish.

Sometimes I sit in a bus, tense and worried, expecting everything around me to collapse, for Earth to collapse in upon itself, looking at the weight of all the buildings through the bus window.

Sometimes when I sit, I fear my weight is the last straw the Earth can take, although scientifically I know the thought is ridiculous. But I worry anyway.

Sometimes I wish my CPU would stop emitting that humming noise, making me feel guilty that I am using electricity, like right now.

When I believe in the end of the world (and I think I now do, one day, many years from now), when everything comes back a full cycle and evolution starts all over again, I stop and wonder what is the purpose of my life. What is the use if I make a million bucks, if I am nice or if I am evil. What is the point of minute things such as feeling nervous before heading onstage for a performance, of getting angry or upset at somebody?

If everything is a circle, if everything comes back to the beginning in the end, what is the point of feeling so strongly about an issue and wanting change? What is the point of anything when everything comes to naught anyway?

The day before, I suddenly saw how the materialistic everything was. Cars, money, houses, clothes. The latest fashion, the tabloids, politics, arguments. Everything changes, pulled down, discarded or given away. Everything I have once touched and treasured I have either not seen them again or will not see them again. So fleeting.

If everything comes a full circle, then why am I worrying over present problems? Why can I not satisfy any desire I have, why do I have to think of "consequences" if consequences don't matter in the end anyway because the end is the beginning?

If everything comes a full circle, then why do I still wish?
Maybe because we always seek to make things better, for ourselves. To ease that discomfort I constantly feel, the guilt I sometimes bear for my existence as a human.

In the end, everything that exists do not seem to exist. Everything that appears to matter, does not. I am tempted to go through the motions of life as if I live it and yet do not live it. Motions for the sake of motions, detached. Yet I know life will suck me back in anyway, giving me an illusion so real I believe it is real. I would then have forgotten the essence of this post and the view I hold when I first wrote this.

Commitment Issues

I just offered my help for NUSSU SAVE's Green Carnival this coming semester (and in the process am now indirectly a member). Looking at the amount of work involved, I am suddenly reminded of why I never joined a club or society for long even if I was interested or addicted to working myself to exhaustion, of why I prefer to work alone.

I really think I've got commitment issues, in a lot of areas.

Quote

From book the namesake,

I didn't know a thing back then.

Life - a blank canvas to be drawn on.