Confession

Chinese New Year's coming.

CNY reminded me of my grandmother and how she'd cook those heng hua noodles early in the morning on the first day of new year. We're back at our old place now, so new year should be a relatively boisterous affair again, as compared to the other place. I don't know, it's alright I guess. New year's always boring - the same things over and over again. Usually by the end of visiting I would have gained some weight from snacking on tidbits, as would many others. =)
By the way, I haven't bought new shoes. Too lazy, the old ones will do fine, I suppose. And I just remembered that I don't have an appropriate bag. Whatever.

It's been kind of bugging me. A year since my grandmother has passed away and I haven't dreamt about her at all. My aunt, father, mother and even sister have all dreamt about her but not me. Of course not counting that freaky dream I had. My aunt told me that usually if the dead person misses somebody, he/she will appear in a dream. I wondered if it is because my grandmother don't miss me and it kind of hurt, a little tiny bit. However, I suspect it's something other than that. Maybe this whole thing is just plain superstition and their dreaming is just plain coincidence. More than that, I think that it is because deep down inside me I don't want to see her. Not that because I don't love her but because I am scared. I'm scared of what I will see, of what she will be like, scared of spirits and ghosts, scared of being scared. I'm even scared that if I walk in the house in the dark I will see her, or if I open my eyes while lying on my bed at night I'll see her sitting in the chair or standing by my bed. I pray and hope that I won't see anything, is it any wonder that I have not dreamt of her at all? Maybe she does miss me and do want to come visit me (whichever way you want to think of) but that I'm the one who have been refusing to, building an invisible wall around me. To protect myself from her, from my own grandmother. Ha.

Out of fear, out of utter cowardice.

She's your grandmother, you might say, you shouldn't be afraid. I know, but I still am. Very cowardly and a very bad granddaughter too, aren't I?