Empty paper

The day started alright. I woke up and left the house earlier than usual, managing to catch the 7.05am bus for school. I thought I'd be early since I left the house 2 hours before my paper and also taking the earlier bus. Boy was I wrong. Somewhere along the way near Jalan Toa Payoh or something, there was an accident and we were stuck on that stretch for 20 full minutes. Think a lorry rammed into a cab. Stupid drivers. Why can't they drive more carefully? Don't know how to drive then don't drive lah! I was cursing them. Pissed, because at that time I knew I was definitely going to be late. Later on nearing school, the traffic became heavy again. The entire bus journey took an amazing 2 hours. Why did this have to happen today of all days. I mean I even left the house super early, with the expectation of reaching the place at least 20 minutes in advance!

So I reached school at 9am sharp, took the ISB to Sheares Hall, hurried in and sat down at 9.10am, looked at the question, tried to plan and realized my head was empty.

I walked out of the examination hall after writing 2 sentences, crying and telling the examiner I can't do this paper, 55 minutes after I walked into it.

Yes, I'm not lying. I couldn't do the paper because I wasn't well-prepared enough and I couldn't remember a single thing despite the fact that the two topics I chose to cover came up in the question. Couldn't remember anything at all despite having just gone through my mind-map in the bus, barely 15 minutes before I stepped into the hall.

I sat there and stared at the paper, mind totally blank during examinations for the first time in my years of studying. 10 minutes later I asked the lecturer if I could just don't do this paper. For some unknown reason I started tearing (as quietly as I can) though I really had no idea why. He looked quite surprised and asked if I would like to go out and rest for a bit. I refused and told him I just couldn't do it because I can't remember anything. He told me to sit and think around the issue and said he can't let me out until an hour has passed anyway. I asked if I failed this module would I have to retake it again and he said yes. So I sat there, staring at the question, looking at everybody writing madly away and wondering how they can be so smart. Sat and stared at the clock, wishing and wishing that I could walk out of the place at that moment.

At 10am, an hour after the paper has started, I raised my arm again and told him I can't do it. So he let me go. While everybody else were still writing away, I packed my stuff, stood up from my seat and left the hall, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. A couple of students near me were looking at me though. Hope I didn't disrupt them. I was relieved, but also a little heavy-hearted. Dr Hon opened the door for me and I thanked him. Outside, he asked why. Is it because I couldn't remember or I didn't know how to answer the question. I told him both. My voice was starting to break again and I knew if I spoke then, I was going to end up in tears again.

I took the bus home. At school, the paper ended and my friend called to ask where am I. I told her what happened and to my utter horror, I started crying on the bus. I didn't know why I was crying, really. I keep thinking that I don't want to study anymore. Really, maybe, I'll take a semester break for this coming semester.

Then I had lunch but I wasn't really enjoying it. Not sure what to do.

I've got another paper in a week but I can't study. I really cannot memorize anymore things. My mind feels like it's utterly saturated and I feel really stupid. Somehow inside me I know this is it. I can't do this again next semester and the next after next or the one after that. I've had enough of memorization. Don't plan to tell my parents what happened, either. They have such hopes on me.

A bit wasted, isn't it, this module? Couldn't last through 2 hours. Wonder if I have enough bid points to get this module the next semester I'm in school.

I have a headache and my eyes hurt. How did I become so apt at keeping tears back. I think I'll go sleep.