Frustrated thoughts

Was supposed to meet Ridzuan at City Hall MRT at 8pm, ended up I was late for 20 minutes because I was locked out of my own house because I went over to my grandmother's place for dinner and my parents thought I went off already so they locked the place and went out too.

Pissed off, I called my mother and had a short quarrel with her. Now thinking back, it's not really anybody's fault, but I'm still very frustrated. Frustrated with how things are going in many aspects of my life, especially with at home. Simply do not understand why and how things can deteriorate to this state, where I hardly talk to my mother. Then I'm thinking of my studies and the grades I so desperately need because any further advancement in my course depends heavily on grades, then I think of the 6 modules I will be taking, and then I think of going back to school... School just ended for me barely 2 weeks ago and I'm already feeling stressed from the thought of going back to school.

No need to be angry. There are bigger things to be angry about.

I don't know how come I'm so short-tempered recently. Ok, so maybe I have always been short-tempered, but I could think things through reasonably before I fire off a retort and I always knew how to make amendments. Not this time round though. Things are just going from bad to worse. I'm aware it's all in the mentality - if I can pick myself up mentally, believe that everything can be achieved if I try hard enough, to look carefully and see that calm space beyond, the reasoning, I'd be able to break through it. But my mind is blocked, I can't think and I can't see. Sheesh, sometimes I wish there would be somebody by my side, listen to me rant and just hold me a little while, to give me a little push, that little momentum to get me back up. Then I think that there is no need for a guy to do that because I have friends and relatives who can do that. I have darling cousin (who is upset right now and I have no idea why) too.

Cousin, why are you upset? Come find me please.

I wonder if all this has anything to do with my having fan tai sui. This is a taoist (I think) thing, so it's alright if you all don't understand. Basically, people of certain zodiac signs would have offended, somehow, certain deities, resulting in bad luck for the year. By right if these people have gone to pray at the temples, it would be alright. In our family this year, 4 out of 5 of us have to go pray. Wonder if any of this have anything to do with these little-but-surely-growing problems in our lives.

Tonight, after the quarrel with my mother, I so wanted to move out. To avoid quarrels over little things and so that I can really do what I want. But tonight while walking home, I know I will be terribly homesick if I move out.

... I've realised for some time that what I have is pretty darn good. In fact, what most of us have is pretty darn good. That's why I find it difficult to get angry these days.

Ok, time to get back up on your feet, Stephanie. You've moped for half a day, enough moping around already. Remember what you used to tell yourself.

Face what you fear.

Get whipped, then get better.