Nudity; pain; pain

Itching all over because I forgot to bathe.

Finally gave colleague Hong Yi my blog URL after he bugged me again for it today. I don't really like giving people this URL because it reveals parts of me that I don't exactly want others to know. It's like you're standing naked in front of them and they know your innermost thoughts and your past. There is also this need to maintain that image in front of the person. It's tiring. In virtual reality, I'm mostly outspoken. In reality, I vary. Would rather sit and listen to others talk though. Everybody is different in different places, I believe. Maybe some are the same wherever they go. That's nice, isn't it? Consistency means no identity crisis. You basically know who you are and where you are going.

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I remember when I use to dig my nails into my arms or something.

I don't remember why I do it, don't remember if it relieves anything. Everything is at that moment, kept there, faded.

Actually I can't promise that I won't do it again in the future. It's one thing to say, another to do. When the time comes, nothing else matters except to perform that action. I wonder if to some, it is an addiction. Physical pain is often a confirmation by the person that he/she is real. Physical pain can also be a relief to the emotional pain that he/she feels. Not sure how to explain, but I vaguely remember that it felt good to feel pain. I would just dig them in repeatedly for the pain, on the edge of breaking skin and drawing blood. I never drew blood, just went for the pain.

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So much uncertainty about myself and my ability.

Today I was cleaning boss's room. I squatted and stood up for so many times my knees started to hurt.
It is darn frustrating. The pain is not only physical but to my heart as well. How long before they recover? What if they do not? Does that mean I cannot run anymore? The thought of it saddens me.

What if I cannot run anymore?