I don't like liking

I don't like when things go out of control. Sure it's exciting and there is the fun of trying to get things back in order.
But I don't like it when the going out of control involves feelings for another person. There are too many uncertainties for me, too much of everything.

guy: What do you want?
me: (pause) I want to be alone, I don't want relationships.

Too much complexity, too much to understand, too much to take. It's like a system overload. I don't understand why people want this complexity and vulnerability.

My mind is saying one thing, my heart is doing another.

Can anybody handle me at all?