Taken

I do not understand what I am feeling, nor do I understand why I feel this way. My heart is a complete mess. This ghost of a familiar pain from the past came back, or has it always been there? I wish it gone but it is still here and I don't know what to do with it, so I spent some money on getting two more holes in my ears and stopped to get some alcohol. I stepped out on to the road - maybe a car will come by but there was none, so I walked safely across. My heart is heavy but I smile when I see people I know. It is practiced enough. Then I cross another road and maybe there will be a car, I think, but there is none so I reach home safely. But when I am home I don't have the energy to do anything, so I put the bottle on the table and went to bed and laid there on the blanket staring at nothing in particular until I could not bear to stare at anything anymore and closed my eyes because it was easier to do so anyway. I wish I can take out my heart and wash it clean and then put it back, and I wish that these feelings can be drunk, smoked or cut away but it does not work like that so I woke up the same today as I was yesterday. I think of a lot of questions but I don't get any answers. I think I already know the answers. I wish this naive me will learn faster because I know there are other things I have to do.