That feeling

I am too exhausted. Now I understand why I was feeling nervous in the afternoon for no reason. The same feeling that comes to me every time I know something out of the ordinary is going to happen.

I'm not sure if this is desirable. I did not stop it, maybe some part of me wanted it to happen and when it did, it was simply easier to go along than otherwise. Friends who know about us keep asking me if I like him. Yes I do, no I don't, I don't know! Yes, I do, I do, I think I do. So apologetic for this uncertainty, for the possibility of liking him, because I cannot afford to like anybody. I feel so calm about this whole thing that it is simply plain weird, which makes me damn confused. And I'm sorry I hurt him.

Dammit, having gastric pains for no reason. Must be retribution.