Bungled up

Somewhere along the way, I found myself again. Somewhere along the way, lapsed back to that emotional me, the one with a lot of feelings, the one I detest. Reminded of the past, of experiences and actions done when I was younger - much embarrassment.

One thing leads to another, and soon my train of thoughts go down that track, the same track I'd taken ages to get off, and I wonder why am I here on this dangerous ground, this ground I'd promised myself never to tread again unless absolutely. I realize it is because I made a conscious decision to do so.

Perhaps things aren't as simple as I thought them to be and I'm not as resolute as I thought I could be. Still as easily swayed. Still me. And this is going to hurt all over again, in ways different from the past, yet vastly similar. I'm still really very weak. Where is that other person I created? The one I could and had slipped behind so easily in the recent past. Detachment of the mind, detachment from reality.

Why are others so real? Their words, actions and emotions are so real it's like a hot flame. And no matter how I wrap myself in an icy exterior, somehow that heat from the flame managed to seep in, and it melts that thin layer. Maybe that's where it all lies - it is too thin. Or maybe it isn't my fault, maybe it's all their fault.

What do I do? Do I go back to detaching myself from my mind, from reality? Create a lie on which to live on?

Didn't use to want anything, not too long ago.

Its simple, actually.
No fuss, no complications.
Just simplicity, that's all.

Its nothing, actually.
Absence, void, emptiness.
Just nothingness, that's all.

Link

Now I have something I desperately want, which I should not. For somebody who studies Psychology, I'm a darn psychologically messed up kid. Super naive, me.

Somewhere along the way, I bungled things up again, didn't I?

I'm going to think about things and when I'm done, I will know what to do and where to head. This time round, I know it will be a better path.