Letter to him

To me he's out there somewhere. I write to him occasionally when I want to tell him something. Maybe next time when we meet, if we meet, then I can show him, how I felt in the past, how I thought, what I thought, what happened. The littlest details, the things I have always wanted to tell somebody - like how the birds cocked their heads, maybe one day they'll find an audience, maybe he'll read.

Dear,

I'm awfully stressed. So stressed I think I can break down at any moment. My own fragility frightens me. I hate being fragile and weak and stupid and unable to handle pressure. Everything at school's going at so fast a pace that I can't catch up.

My lab project mates are awesome. They think of everything, handle everything, come up with everything. I'm just so awed by them that I'm stumped. My brain don't work, my usual thinking don't work, nothing fits in, everything is inappropriate and I feel stupid. Nothing fits in my brain. It's my group's project, but it's not mine. It's one of those projects where I feel tiny inside and I know I don't matter, really. I'm just so tired my mind don't work, it shuts off automatically. The more I try to make it work, the more it goes away.

Emotionally tired. I'm making myself so tired emotionally. My overabundance of emotions... I'm so sick of it. I just want you, your presence, your concern, your shoulder, your warmth, your love. I don't need other people. But do you exist? Will you ever exist? I'm only 21, but I so desperately want love, so desperately want to find you, so desperately need you. I'm so scared you don't exist, that I won't love the person I end up with, that you are not the person I end up with. My friend tells me to get a boyfriend. I look at him and I don't know how to answer. I want too, I want you.

School isn't fast. I'm just really slow. This pace of life used to excite me, challenges were fun. Now I'm so young, but I feel so weak. Sleep don't mean anything anymore, it hardly exists.

I hate it but I miss him terribly. I hate missing anybody, hate that terrible flood of emotions that come with it. But I miss him anyway. Typical of me, say one thing, doing another. I try closing my emotions, but it's always there. It's a different stream, it runs its own course. I can make out with a guy for fun and not feel anything about it, yet at the same time unable to control my emotions over other matters. Jeez. Sweetie, will you kill me for what I did? Hate me? Detest me? Hmm.

Do you know how bad the world is now? So much loss of life, over and over again. You'd think the world would be more civilised now, that evolution would have somehow changed us for the better. But no, what happens decades ago is still happening now. Innocent lives are still lost, blood is still shed, so much unhappiness.

A mynah shitted right in front of me again that day. And I was just walking past it!

Why is it that when I hear my friends talk, they say that after graduation they want to find a good job? Why do I hear them say things like then what else can I do? My major still can work as what? I'm not sure what is wrong, but I feel that there is something missing here. These are terrific people, smart as anything. Why are they only working? Working for the money, to pay the bills... and dreading every Monday? There is something else I am missing, I am skipping the fundamentals of earning money through a job.

So much to do, so much to learn, so much to see, so many people to meet. Maybe you are one of those I'll meet soon.