Singleton

21 years old.

At this point in time, I have given up on having a romantic relationship at all or even the thought of having a boy like me a little, little bit.

It's a little bit early, but I was pondering on the thought of what if I don't ever get married. Alright, maybe I was thinking a little too much. But really, what if? Then I started thinking about the possibility of choosing to be a single mum instead of getting married. That is, I'll select a guy with good qualities with only the intention of mating with him, then bear a child who is mine and only mine. Somehow the idea is more inviting than being in any type of relationship.

Well, a girl has got to plan for her future, right? Something tells me there's a high possibility of me being single for a long, long time. Sigh. Yearn for love, but fear of relationships.

Ok, mind off this! No way I'm going to be depressed over this. I can live off myself.


Dear,

To me, increasingly, you don't exist. Maybe I won't see you in the end after all.

Haven't felt this sort of hurt before. Didn't know there are different types of hurt. Each one feels different. The heart is very much torn, by something I've never really had. How can I lose something I've never had?

No, I have had it once. I've once gained something, haven't I? I didn't even know.

I think I can now understand a little bit more. That smile... I pray he'll always have it.
I think I will be alright, I just cannot see very far in front of me now.

So long. There's no need for me to think about it anymore. Some things I cannot change, some things I cannot face, unless I'm emotionally ready for it. This time round I don't know how long it'll take because I can feel my head aching from the tears behind my eyes now. This time round the tears are so close. But I'll be ok.

Dear,
One day I'll finally find you. Wait for me.

Letter to him

To me he's out there somewhere. I write to him occasionally when I want to tell him something. Maybe next time when we meet, if we meet, then I can show him, how I felt in the past, how I thought, what I thought, what happened. The littlest details, the things I have always wanted to tell somebody - like how the birds cocked their heads, maybe one day they'll find an audience, maybe he'll read.

Dear,

I'm awfully stressed. So stressed I think I can break down at any moment. My own fragility frightens me. I hate being fragile and weak and stupid and unable to handle pressure. Everything at school's going at so fast a pace that I can't catch up.

My lab project mates are awesome. They think of everything, handle everything, come up with everything. I'm just so awed by them that I'm stumped. My brain don't work, my usual thinking don't work, nothing fits in, everything is inappropriate and I feel stupid. Nothing fits in my brain. It's my group's project, but it's not mine. It's one of those projects where I feel tiny inside and I know I don't matter, really. I'm just so tired my mind don't work, it shuts off automatically. The more I try to make it work, the more it goes away.

Emotionally tired. I'm making myself so tired emotionally. My overabundance of emotions... I'm so sick of it. I just want you, your presence, your concern, your shoulder, your warmth, your love. I don't need other people. But do you exist? Will you ever exist? I'm only 21, but I so desperately want love, so desperately want to find you, so desperately need you. I'm so scared you don't exist, that I won't love the person I end up with, that you are not the person I end up with. My friend tells me to get a boyfriend. I look at him and I don't know how to answer. I want too, I want you.

School isn't fast. I'm just really slow. This pace of life used to excite me, challenges were fun. Now I'm so young, but I feel so weak. Sleep don't mean anything anymore, it hardly exists.

I hate it but I miss him terribly. I hate missing anybody, hate that terrible flood of emotions that come with it. But I miss him anyway. Typical of me, say one thing, doing another. I try closing my emotions, but it's always there. It's a different stream, it runs its own course. I can make out with a guy for fun and not feel anything about it, yet at the same time unable to control my emotions over other matters. Jeez. Sweetie, will you kill me for what I did? Hate me? Detest me? Hmm.

Do you know how bad the world is now? So much loss of life, over and over again. You'd think the world would be more civilised now, that evolution would have somehow changed us for the better. But no, what happens decades ago is still happening now. Innocent lives are still lost, blood is still shed, so much unhappiness.

A mynah shitted right in front of me again that day. And I was just walking past it!

Why is it that when I hear my friends talk, they say that after graduation they want to find a good job? Why do I hear them say things like then what else can I do? My major still can work as what? I'm not sure what is wrong, but I feel that there is something missing here. These are terrific people, smart as anything. Why are they only working? Working for the money, to pay the bills... and dreading every Monday? There is something else I am missing, I am skipping the fundamentals of earning money through a job.

So much to do, so much to learn, so much to see, so many people to meet. Maybe you are one of those I'll meet soon.