Black Hole

At times when I think I'm losing oneself, abandoning myself to despair, down the very road my father just warned me against...

There is a familiar light - warm and pure. It has a scent of the past, a taste of freedom, a glimpse of the ideal.

For a while I am immersed in the beauty of it all. It caresses my face, lifting the corners of my lips.

Tried to grab hold of it,
almost violently.
It slips past my fingers easily.

-----------------
I start to wonder what is this.
It might very likely be a strong need of control and affection. I'd do almost anything to get affection, even if it might very well be (very) short term, even if I know it is not healthy, even if I know it is not a solution, even if I know I am ruining a part of my life in this way.

I'm jealous, insanely jealous.