Music - is it time to give it up?

When I first had contact with music, it was through piano. I was very young then, probably before I was even in primary school. Seriously, I suck at the piano. I took way longer than the other kids to read the notes (I still am) and it was demoralizing to see others advance so quickly. I can't remember if I liked going for music classes then. At that age it was classes in a huge group. I remember enjoying some portions of it, though, and I remember this concert we had to put up, a small dance section. I remember being nervous then. Even then I suck at dance. Haha.

Then I advanced to Grade 1 or 2 and from then on classes became smaller. I remember hating music lessons then. I dreaded going to classes because I was so slow at learning and reading notes compared to the others that my teacher would hit me and scold me. I remember that she would hit my back or my head whenever I play wrong notes. I don't think I told my mother than for reasons I cannot fathom. Maybe I thought that it was alright and it was supposed to be this way. I hated Sundays because that was when my lessons took place at Yamaha Music School. It's that school at Kovan, the one on the second level. Of course at that time it was called Hougang Central or Old Hougang Central or something.

Very soon after that I stopped lessons because of school. I was secretly relieved because now there was no need to be scared every weekend. Unfortunately under some circumstances I resumed lessons at Cristofori Music School at now-Hougang Central a couple of years later. That was for Grade 2, I think. I hated the lessons. It was on Saturdays. I can't convey the amount of fear and hatred I had. I'd tremble, feel extremely cold and want to shit before lessons and during it. The teacher hit my hand whenever I played something wrong. I remember liking playing the piano on my own but hating the lessons.

Last semester I was taking Physics. One of the physics tutor looked very familiar. I think she is the one who taught me piano so many years ago. If you'd like to know, I hate her. Because of the two female piano teachers I had who had no qualms about hitting me, I think I've got something against female piano teachers now.

I passed grade 2/3 and went on to the next grade. This time round I got a male piano teacher. He was a blessing to me. There was still fear when going for lessons but it was substantially lesser. He was so patient with me. Once, he fell asleep while I was figuring out the notes. =D When I passed grade 3, I decided to stop learning piano. It came as a relief to me but I was a bit upset to be leaving this teacher and felt like I had let him down a little.

Secondary school. Wanted to be in choir but didn't get selected. I went into band because I liked the uniform then. =P Blue and white military uniform. I didn't get in through the normal auditioning. In fact, I had no audition at all. The conductor then asked me what can I play and when she heard I can play the piano she dumped me into percussion. Just like that, it changed my life. I wasn't always happy in the section, as Pearlin should know, but it gave me great satisfaction. Somehow, although I had problems with my fingers at the piano, I coped marvelously well with drumsticks and mallets.

To feel the impact of stick on skin, adjusting the sticking to fit in, hearing the texture of sound produced, coordinating the arms, listening to others.

From there I fell in love with music, percussion and band. Friends should know the utter devotion I had to my CCA. Yizhen always recalled the concert when my batch graduated. She said I wanted to skip (or is it I skipped?) dinner just to practice my percussion ensemble part. I think they looked at it too seriously. =)

I brought this enthusiasm to JC.

And was greatly disappointed.

Everything was different. I didn't sense the urgency to improve one's skills, didn't sense the closeness we had in my secondary school band. I was still devoted but my skills just deteriorated. I could listen to the band but hear nothing, play the most emotional piece but feel nothing. Sometimes I regretted going to the JC and regretted joining the band. I lost so much.

NUS band. I went once for the tea session but didn't like what I saw or heard. Coupled with my declining enthusiasm, I decided not to join.

Pearlin invited me to join Studio Percussion Unit (SPU). Eager to get back what I lost, I agreed. Yizhen joined too. Yesterday she quit the group due to other commitments. My agreement's expiring in June and I'm hesitant about whether I should continue. What the group is heading towards is still blurry to me. To say what the group will be aiming for this year is one thing, to say how it will be 3 years from now is another. So far I don't like it there. The aims of the group are different fro mine though I've learnt a lot from them. The group's changing, but I'm uncertain.

I'm not ready to give up percussion or music completely. But yesterday Yizhen quit the group. Somehow things are changing. What do I do?