Screaming realization

Last night I screamed at my sister. Before I start telling my story, just a few other words. I think raising kids are really very tough. You need to have immense patience. If you have kids like me - very rude, insensitive and thinks I know all/best - then you need to be able to take a lot of shit, need to be extremely patient and strict at the same time. I think I'll be a very lousy parent.

So last night I screamed at my sister. My mother was out late and she called and asked me to prepare my sister's night contact lens. The hard lenses are those that you wear overnight and then the next day you don't have to wear spectacles. My mother gave me brief instructions on how to prepare the lenses and so I did it according to how she told me. Then Olivia came in and told me I'm doing it the wrong way, don't know what saline need to put where, must screw the bottle cap back on, say mummy don't wash like that one and basically implied that I don't know how to wash. I flared up, told her that she should thank me for washing her lens for her and if she knows how to, why don't she wash it herself. It soon escalated into me slamming my room door, opening the door, screamed at her and slammed it again. I said something along the lines of "your fucking lousy eyesight, spend fucking money on your fucking contact lens to maintain your fucking degree and then it still fucking increases. Stupid girl! I hate you!"

Everything inside me told me to stop, that what I'm saying is wrong. I shouldn't be scolding that word in front of her and I shouldn't be saying I hate her. The whole thing reminded me of myself when I was extremely young. It was then I realized the kind of shit my mother had to take, of us flaring up for no reason and of them doing things for us yet not receiving a single thank you. Frustrated at my sister and also frustrated at myself because I just did what I said I would never do to my sister/kids.

Gross. Mushy. *shudders* Well anyway treat your parents better.