Addiction.

I practically laughed at Timothy's (correct name?) face when I walked into Geek Terminal and then walked out again within 5 seconds. His expression was quite hilarious.

Wanted to have dinner at Geek Terminal initially because office was right above, I finished work at 7.30pm and I knew if I did not eat soon, I was going to suffer a full blown gastric attack either later in the night or a few days later. Also because I really wanted to try the food again.

Anyway I walked in, smiled at him, started to tell him this time round I wanted a menu when he pointed at the back of the room,
T: "they (Ridz and Jasmine) are..",
I looked, got the idea, "oh shit, they are still here?! Haha, I think I will go somewhere else to eat."
His expression changed to surprise mixed with confusion. I laughed at his expression, said thanks then left.

I wanted to spend some time alone where it was quiet. Read my book, chill out a little, daydream a little and just think about things. I was in no mood to socialize.

There are so many things in my head, so many questions. Very wise, sensible words from a friend, comforting words from another, even a practical example set in front of me, but I still cannot pull myself away. I really cannot. Every time something around me moves, I automatically set up my shield. It prevents anything harmful from hurting me, prevents anything harmful from me from getting out, but it also prevents anything beneficial from getting in. Ironically, my shield is hurting me. What I set up to protect myself is hurting me. I want to get out, but I also don't want to get out. I don't dare to get out. Why should I? I have become familiar with what I am doing. I don't dare to trust myself, it's safer to stay in.

You can't stop it.
You just go from one hole to another.
You dug too many holes.

It's an addiction. It feels comfortable. It's a lot more safe.

No. I. Have. To. Get. Out.

Damn. Can feel withdrawal symptoms coming already.