During Social Work review lecture today, our lecturer was talking about our Reflection Papers and how some of us might be disappointed with our grades. She said this one line,
You can say you have spent a lot of time on the paper, but in the end, it's the final product (that counts).
The first emotion I felt was anger and absurdity. The essence of that seemed to imply that whatever you do, the process don't matter, however hard you work it don't matter because it is the end product that matters. Then cognition sets in and I realize that that is how reality is. In this world, it don't matter what you do as long as you produce results.
On one hand, we say that the process of learning, of failing and experience gained is more important than the end product. The best students don't always get the best grades. Famous mathematicians and scientists were never necessarily the top in their classes. We talk about them, use them as examples, yet on the other hand, we are rewarded based on the end products, whether in our academic life or work life. I refer here, to DK's post on our fear of
Making Mistakes.
[He asked why do we fear making mistakes? I believe it is because of socialization - from teachers, parents and the government. They have socialized into us the idea that we must be the best and must have something tangible to show for your achievement, be it a raise, a promotion or that First Class Honours degree from University.
If we do not attain any of these, they tsk
at us, say "see lah!
", make us feel bad about ourselves, sometimes talk behind our back or (in the case of parents) might tell us we are stupid. All of this make us feel bad about ourselves, so we try to do better, in order to be accepted, to take away that bad feeling.
So we try REALLY hard, but then we do something wrong and the information gets out to others. They tsk at us again, say "aiyo, why like that!", compare us to some sibling or other, compare us to your friend or other, compare us to a character in a TV drama or other. We might feel ostracized when others ask you (during Chinese New Year or other family gatherings) when are you getting a job, when are you getting a promotion or how are the grades and you give a less-than-expected response. They give an ugly face, say "is it? Aiyo! Why?! Must be never try hard enough, right!" then turn away (metaphorically).
We remember the first time round people also treat us in this similar way. We learn that failing leads to these bad things happening to us and being viewed differently in a negative light. So we work very hard and try not to fail (or fail too badly) in order to be accepted (or not to feel the bad feeling again). When we succeed, people crowd around us, tell us how smart we are, praise us constantly. Now, instead of you being compared with some greater being, others are being compared to you, the greater being, instead. It's a wonderful feeling.Good feeling (and stuff) when succeed.Bad feeling (and stuff) when fail.
You want to fail or succeed?
Ok, I think I used the concept of Learning in Psychology here... unintentionally.]I just find it incredibly ironic that a lecturer should speak of that because isn't it the goal of education to inculcate in students the joy of the learning process, to emphasize the journey instead of the end? Isn't that why a % of examination marks have been reallocated and split up to consist of term papers and class participation? Is this not to encourage us to be aware of the process and not just the results?
I think the lecturer did not intentionally say it in that way, but she did not correct herself so I do not know if she really means it in that manner. My disappointment with the department just got larger.
Even more ironically, I found myself upset at the grade (a
result) I had gotten because I fully believe my paper was worth at least 5 or 10 marks more than what it got. Based on what I have said above, shouldn't I be focusing on the
process of my writing the paper? I don't know, I just think that they should acknowledge the work I had put into writing the paper. Furthermore, there are some things I have learned from the agency visit (which is the point of the paper) that I could never have put down in words. In the end, what are they judging? Our writing skills, that's all.
I was very hyped up and confident this semester because I have again experienced the joy of learning. I really thought the process was important, really wanted to learn how to
learn. When she said this line, I once again started to doubt myself and the importance of the process.
Was I going to fail again? I asked myself. I have so much on the line, put so much of my confidence in the concept of learning, on where I was going to try and place my sense of self-worth. She had to go and question me on that when I have not even tested out if the process is really as important, or even more important, as the results.
Of course ultimately the results are still important. It is an acknowledgment that you have a certain standard. For us Singaporeans and probably a lot of others, results will always be important. It is the first thing we see. I just wonder, have we placed too much importance on it? So much so that my lecturer actually said those lines?
Lecturer's words made me very scared, doubt myself and plunge me into that feared darkness again.
Labels: NUS, quotes, surroundings, thoughts
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