Being frank

There are quite a number of points I would have liked to really, seriously talk about regarding SH but I wonder if it really matters whether or not I talked about them. Mainly because I don't really remember the points clearly but also because I don't think I could ever be totally frank here.

Ridzuan asked me that day if I could try to write frankly again here.

No.

There was too much at stake.

Ok, let me try and be frank.

I wonder, if I say right now that I no longer harbour any more feelings for SH, would he still talk to me? Probably yes, most probably not. Does it matter? I don't know and seriously, I'm sick of bothering about it. I have no idea whether or not he still reads my blog, I have no idea whether or not he still fears me or hates me. I used to be bugged down by all these but right now I don't care. I'm tired of worrying about it, of thinking that everything is my fault and thinking that I ruined his life.

For so long I detested my presence in his life. Yes, you read that right. My presence in his life. Every little bit for which I was present, I felt like I was intruding. Maybe he really feels that way but I don't really bother anymore. Selfish?

When I joined ping.sg, it was because of him. Then I got more involved, I made friends. One day, it hit me that I might be intruding too much into a space that is by right in a way his. I wondered if I should retreat, give it all up, everything including my twitter and my friendships. Make a clean cut. I consulted my friend and she understood why I felt guilty for being so active in the community. She told me that perhaps I should retreat for a while. The impact of what I had to give up if I chose this path hit me really badly but somehow I was calm.

I couldn't let go then, I went too far. Now it is time to let go and it is too bad that because of my holding on at that time, I now have to let go a much larger portion of my life. But it's ok, this is how things have to be.

I almost went through with it. For so many days then, I didn't ping, didn't shout. I just blogged, twittered and disappeared. I had planned to delete my twitter account a week later. Then somebody called me and 3 hours later managed to talk some sense into me.

I'm glad I did not go through with it. If he still hates me, I am sorry, if he still fears me, I am sorry. I can't do anything else except say sorry. I will always be here and if he thinks that the only way for him to be happy is only when I disappear, then I'm sorry, I can't do it. I have retreated to the best of my abilities, refrained from contacting him at all. But this is part of my life, I would really like to live it. I don't want to and will not spend the rest of my life purposely avoiding him both in the physical world and virtually.

Yes I hurt him, I'd admit that, and it hurt me more than anything to have hurt him. He would hate to see me write this, but I loved him, only that I did not know how to show it. I chose all the wrong ways to show it. I'm sorry I made those mistakes and I'm sorry that I hurt him. He is not the only one with the psychological damage, I did too. I drew up a shield so tightly around me it hurt me. But I would not let it down, even if I liked somebody else again, I would not let it down because it was the only thing that protected others from me and me from others. I believed that I was dangerous, too much pressure, too difficult to be handled when in fact all it was, were mistakes. That's all. Mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes, why can't I be forgiven for mine? I am tired of trying to seek forgiveness, of trying to make things as normal as possible and trying to fade into oblivion.

I really looked very highly to him. To me, he couldn't have wronged. To me, he was special. My friends told me he is just an ordinary guy trying to be extraordinary. I disagreed with them. Haha. Love blinds you indeed. Whatever faults he had, I overlooked them, accepted them and mostly dwelled on his positive aspects. Then suddenly just recently, an incident made me realize that he isn't almighty, he isn't always right and it isn't the case that everybody likes him. For too long, I thought too highly of him and too lowly of myself. It was weird but in that split second I was suddenly relieved and happy. In a flash, he was human and I had worth.

It is possible that I can actually be right, not wrong.

I stopped loving him.

I don't know how he will deal with things, I don't know if he will ever dare to go into a relationship again but I do not wish to bother about it anymore because this is his own battle to fight and it really has nothing to do with me. People get hurt from these kinds of things, somebody helped me to accept it and to see things differently, I hope it is the same for him too. Hurt is all part of liking and loving and leaving. There is nothing wrong with it. Perhaps all this time we have been looking into hurt too much.

Maybe he never liked me, never loved me. I thought that maybe he only used me, whether or not purposely. Maybe I just happened to be there at the time he needed an outlet from the other girl. He told me it is not the case, but I always wonder anyway. If it was really a case of using me, I would be slightly angry and hurt. Does it matter, though? Well, it would change my view of him, but it would never change the fact that I truly had feelings for him or the lessons that I learned. I learned so much in this non-relationship, things that I know I want, things I know I don't, things I know I should not do. I simply have to thank him. To thank him for tolerating with me and for bearing the brunt of this really emo girl.

I don't know if any of my presumptions is true for him. Maybe it is, maybe it is not, I don't know, it does not matter.

I'm now threading gingerly on dangerous ground. My shield is down but ready to come up at a split second. If what I say about hurt being alright is true then is it not time for me to put down that shield? I always say it is a habit. It has grown into me, my shield. Maybe one day I will be able to fully retreat it and give things my all.

Wow, that was frank, wasn't it.