In love

I'm in love. Utterly and completely.

2 days after the end of SingBellz Fest still found me unwilling to commit myself to any sort of serious work (other than the current day-job I have). The photography competition is officially out (NUS students should have received the email by now - please do participate in it), the backdrop of the stage needs to be designed and the accounts from the festival needs to be closed. It seriously feels as if a month of my life force is drained and I need some time to recuperate.

All I have been doing ever since Saturday is to glue my eyes to the computer screen, watching animes. Just this Sunday, I went on a 7-hour anime marathon.

After watching this particular romance-comedy anime, titled Itazura na Kiss, a sweet feeling entered my heart and is lingering till now. Coupled with that fantastic sensation of playing handbells with others, sometimes producing music that makes my hair stand, I decided that this high is the sensation of love. It makes me feel as if I'm not alone and that with it, everything will turn out fine.

Haha, and everybody was asking me who is it I'm in love with, when what would have been more appropriate.
As for who is it, well, isn't it still the same person. For reasons I don't know and don't comprehend anymore.

And after going one big round, I think I finally found myself finding back the control I once felt, although it seems a little different, if it has changed somehow. The basis of it all, however, still remains the same.

A lot of things to talk about, discuss and advertise but am recently not in the mood to do so. Work tomorrow. Good night.

Cousin's ROM

This afternoon was spent at Mandarin Oriental Hotel attending the ROM ceremony of my cousin, Junxiang and his now-wife, Shandy.

It was odd, seeing the cousin who was the naughtiest of us lot get married first. The same cousin who scared me at Haw Par Villa's wax museum, threatened to push me into the pool with a dragon sculpture and fought with me over who owned which body part of our favourite uncle. He also attended the same university as me though in a different course. I remember the three of us had lunch and studied a couple of times together when I was in year 1 and 2.

Now they have already graduated for a year and I am ending my 3rd year of university studies. It was not too long ago that I was only a year 2, watching them work on their Honours theses in the library. Last week, I stood in the library and watched the Journals section, remembering they liked studying there the most because it was quieter and warmer. I realize I miss them and those few times spent together. Time has absolutely flown past and I realize that somehow school don't feel the same, knowing they are no longer studying there. Well, at least I still have 2 other cousins in there still! =)

So today I watched my cousin get married. I really like Shandy and am happy that she is now related to us. Yet at the same time I have this odd feeling that we are all growing up.

And my fantastic relatives have skipped directly from asking, "Do you have a boyfriend?" to "When are you getting married?"

ROM ceremony was held at Axis Bar & Lounge at Mandarin Oriental Hotel. The hotel was a lovely place - even the toilets were gorgeous! They had hand towels, tissue paper and proper soap bottles with equally wonderful smelling soap. The bar itself was beautiful as well, a lovely place to relax and, I'd bet, awfully romantic at night.

The area where the ceremony was to be held:


Junxiang in the jacket on the right, his parents and my father on the sofa:

Junxiang

Flowers to be held by Shandy later on

Quite some time later, Shandy arrived with the photographer and just about everyone else, except the Solemniser.

Shandy

Shandy's only 2 years older than me.

Junxiang opening the gift from Shandy

There's a photographer on the right and the white blur is one of Shandy's closest friends who was taking video and photos the entire time.

I was starting to get really hungry by then. The waitresses were serving tea and coffee but for some reason, probably because I wasn't sitting down, I did not manage to get a cup of drink at all. So I stood in the bar, drinking water from my own bottle. Anyway wherever I sat, I'd have to move off because the photographer kept taking photos where I'd be in the way.

It was funny, watching the photographer take photos of the couple because they were so shy.

Finally, the Solemniser arrives.

The couple clarifies some things about the ceremony with the Solemniser (which is really too solemn a word because this Solemniser is anything but solemn).


At one point, Junxiang asked him quite loudly,

Where is the script? I can't remember the whole thing.

We all laughed.

Finally and somehow without much warning, the ceremony starts. The whole thing was carried out with everybody standing. You'd think that everyone will be sitting down in chairs, watching the whole ceremony quietly, but NO.

This is the most squashed ceremony I could have ever imagined because everybody was just kind of crowding around, watching everything very closely. Whenever there was a significant portion in the ceremony, like the exchange of rings or the holding of hands, there was a huge rush to take a photo of it. It was really hilarious because there was really only a small distance between the couple and us. Heh, I am one of those rushing to take pictures and was squashed several times.

Ceremony was quite long and in the middle, we clapped and the Solemniser said, "And we are only half-way through it!"

So after they have said their "I do"s, they went on to uh, I guess the second part of the marriage vows.

Junxiang, repeating after the Solemniser, saying his vows:


Shandy, repeating after the Solemniser, saying her vows:


It was at this point that Shandy started crying while repeating the words. She had to pause several times to hold back her tears and at the last line, stopped for quite some time, trying not to cry until she forgot the line and the Solemniser had to repeat the last line again.

Junxiang's face just crumpled up when he saw her cry and he wiped away her tears after that. You could have felt everybody around on the verge of tears as well. Mine just leaked out of my eyes.

Solemniser asked rhetorically, "Isn't love the most beautiful thing?" Then I think he pronounced them husband and wife (haha, I don't remember) and said he may now kiss his lovely wife. So they kissed.

And then the Solemniser said,

You can see they have been practicing last night.

I told you this Solemniser is not solemn.

They then signed the certificate, lawfully making them husband-and-wife.

And finally we had our refreshments. Singaporeans as usual, piled lots of things on our tiny plates. I felt like we were eating at a coffee shop instead.

Watched the newly-wed couple and realized nothing about them has really changed. If you look at them from the same perspective as before, they are still a couple in love. If you look at them from another perspective, they are still in love but are now married. It is sweet, but odd.

It finally ended at about 5pm. My uncle fetched us home, I nearly puked on the car because of the mixture of food and tea in my stomach, the rocky ride and the fact that the auntie beside me kept yawning and I kept imaging her breath in the car and around my face. Had to open the car window, eat a sweet, hold a plastic bag and pray we would arrive at our destination(s) soon.

So I declare my cousin is married! =) The first over on this side of the family.

I wish both Junxiang and Shandy a happy marriage! 祝夫妻俩，白头偕老！

p/s If my Chinese words are wrong, do tell me! Thanks!

of Boys, relationships and all things nice (sorta)

What is the one thing you wish your boyfriend would do for you or if you don't have a boyfriend, substitute it with a boy who's wooing you or just some other boy.

I have a couple of things I would really like to experience but one of them is already fulfilled so here's one that I would really like.

I would really, really like to receive a single stalk of flower from a guy who isn't giving me flowers because I'm performing in some concert or other but giving it to me because he wants me to be happy. I'd like him to just pop up with a flower and surprise me. I've seen others with bouquets and with their boyfriends and holding hands, happy and all, talking away and I just wonder how it feels like, having somebody.

The wish that I said was fulfilled was really sweet and I hope to always remember it. That spontaneity. Holding me because he wanted to hold me, holding me first instead of me holding him first. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever experienced. I don't think I can thank him enough for making me feel wanted in that sense.

-----------------
My wish is to get married at 28 years old. Any older and there might be complications having children. If you count the years, I don't really have much time left to get hitched. Damn, I sound desperate and absolutely traditional.

Let's see how this goes:

If I meet somebody in this year and date for the next 3 years, I would be about 24 years old. If I date for longer and don't break up, I might get married to the same person. If I break up after 3 years, I would have 4 more years to find somebody else, assure he is a good guy and get hitched. If I do find somebody else again but break up again after a year, then I'd have 3 years left. Worse yet, if I date somebody for a super long time and then break up when I near 28, then I'd never get married by then. If I don't find anybody until, let's say, 25, then I would have 3 years to affirm he's a suitable person, and anything can happen in these 3 years.

But looking at the number of guys I've ever dated (which is actually uh... 0? I don't even know if I'm considered to have dated) and judging by the fact that I have 6 more months before I turn 22, I thought it is advisable to start thinking about having a child by myself. So I explored the topic a little with my mother. Unfortunately, the only 2 things she said were,

You think so far for what!

and

Don't ask me to take care of your children hor. I'm very tired already.

I don't know. Is it illegal to choose what quality you want your child to have? It kinds of reminds me of the book Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.

I don't know why I think so far either. But if at age 28 I can't find anybody, I really will consider having a child by myself. Maybe such things will be more common then.

Or maybe I might actually be able to find somebody by then. I don't want explosive, passionate love. I just want somebody whom I can trust, rely on, talk to and feel comfortable with, somebody who don't make me feel anxious everytime I think about meeting him.

Haha, it sounds so ridiculous when I type it out but inside, my heart feels entirely different. My heart don't believe in love anymore, my heart don't believe there is anybody for me.

Thanks NTT for saying there are so many weird people in this world that there is sure to be somebody for me. -_-'''

Touched

Today, 5 minutes into Tuesday, I almost cried. Not because I am sad, but because I am touched.

Touched by the presence of love and friendship, touched by the meaning of saying "welcome home" to a friend and touched by art.

It's been a while. It felt right. It felt like I am home.

Singleton

21 years old.

At this point in time, I have given up on having a romantic relationship at all or even the thought of having a boy like me a little, little bit.

It's a little bit early, but I was pondering on the thought of what if I don't ever get married. Alright, maybe I was thinking a little too much. But really, what if? Then I started thinking about the possibility of choosing to be a single mum instead of getting married. That is, I'll select a guy with good qualities with only the intention of mating with him, then bear a child who is mine and only mine. Somehow the idea is more inviting than being in any type of relationship.

Well, a girl has got to plan for her future, right? Something tells me there's a high possibility of me being single for a long, long time. Sigh. Yearn for love, but fear of relationships.

Ok, mind off this! No way I'm going to be depressed over this. I can live off myself.


Dear,

To me, increasingly, you don't exist. Maybe I won't see you in the end after all.

Quote

From show 七年很痒,

To love... But not to hold

Everything is WRONG

Sorry, lack of good posts lately. Spent the whole of today watching anime and slacking away when I shouldn't be doing so.

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爱你－不能跟你在一起。

恨你－因为不能跟你在一起。

我更爱自己，也更恨自己。

------------------
Dear Diary,

I'm very tired, but also not mentally stimulated enough. Not enough, not enough, not enough. Why am I so achievement-oriented? Achievement-oriented itself is OK, but pair it with low self-esteem is not OK. It's a freaking cycle. The former can be the cause of the latter, the latter makes it so much harder to handle things and this is made worse by the former when one realize how high and far one looks.

You know a bottomless pit? I'm having trouble crawling out of it.

Prozac is a a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI), raising serotonin levels in the nervous system, thus reducing the negative emotions felt. It does not affect positive emotions.

I'm not ok. There's something wrong with me. Don't know what, don't know how.

Stephanie

Random notes

I'm typing this in school and it is utterly weird to have my screen open to blogger's post in full view of others who walk past so I'm going to make this short and sweet.

1) Blogging in school because something about my computer made Google block me from blogger. Suffered from blocked-from-blogger syndrome late last night.

2) Tired. Mentally quite drained. Lesson at 10am everyday, the need to concentrate at every lesson is taking its toll on me. Ironically I don't feel mentally stimulated sufficiently. Need more. Machiam drug addiction. Recess week is almost here, but whoever says recess week is a week of break needs to go knock his head against the wall.

3) Enlightened yesterday regarding my education and academics. Relieved and released yet at the same time upset and stressed. Try being strongly achievement-oriented and taking a course which you can't excel in, at the same time.

4) Love made me lie. Love made me hide. Love made me confused, yet it also taught me much. Loving gave me courage to go on with life. Unreciprocated love made me realize I have to love myself. Love taught me how to love.

5) 5.32pm. Waiting for MZ at school now and I'm hungry. Feels like having sushi but I'm low on cash. Freak, I'm always low on cash. Am supposed to ask my father for extra money but I'm too filial to do so. =P Ok, shall go home and eat something. Been yearning for instant noodles since a week ago.

6) Skipped the Insurance seminar because I went to Business School and walked towards the venue just in time to see a WHOLE HERD OF STUDENTS DRESSED IN FORMAL ATTIRE troop up the stairs, obviously going towards the venue. I'm dressed in jeans and a top. And a black bra.

7) Shucks. This is almost a full post already. I bet everybody in this computer lab now knows what I'm doing. "Short and sweet" my ass. Should have known better.

8) Lydia Sum died, if you do not yet know. Death. She probably don't know what it's like after she left, but we can see how it's like. What happens when we die? What happens after? Surfslayer, BREATHE! I know talk of death terrifies you.

Death now would leave me unsatisfied. Not yet for me, not yet please.

Ok, going off. Have a good day tomorrow.

Good boys. Not.

Boys.

Even if they say they're a good boy, look like a good boy, act like a good boy, think you know them to be good boys, in the end a lot of them are the same - they would go for you if you show a little leg, a little skin or tease them a little. Then after that when they get tired of you, think they've seen enough of you (or your body), had enough of you, they ignore you and leave you to wonder what's happened.

And I'm still that stupid girl anyway.

Learned a little more about him and it isn't what I expected. I'm so stupid.

“不敢见到你”

喜欢一个人是什么意思？喜欢一个根本没留意到自己的人，喜欢上一个这一生也不会再喜欢上我的人，很笨对不对？我笨了还廷久，就一直忍着。朋友说我无药可救。哈哈！现在还不错，多多少少控制得了感情。但不敢见到他因为怕我忍不住又再次陷入“无底洞”。

不知道为什么无缘无故会有点心酸，感觉空虚。做些事来分散注意力吧！

有时后简单还是最美。

Ok, maths homework.

(Translation: What does it mean to like somebody? To fall for someone who does not notice me, who in this lifetime won't ever fall for me. Utterly stupid, isn't it? I've been stupid for quite some time then. Some friends say I'm hopeless. =D Things are still okay now - I'm controlling my feelings relatively well. But I don't dare to see him again for fear of falling deeper in.

Feeling heartache and emptiness for no particular reason. Shall do some stuff to take my mind off things.

Sometimes simplicity is still the best.)

張惠妹 - 解脱

Romance and Beauty (World)

I think in all the things that I've done and experienced (which really isn't a lot), the one I failed most in is probably in love and relationships. I mean it's even worse than in terms of my academic and music life lor. Seriously, I don't even know how it really is in a relationship. All of mine are.... in the middle of nowhere. Is it so difficult to find a serious and good guy who likes me and whom I like back? I don't even need him to be ultra good-looking lor. By the way, I think my friends will agree that I have bad tastes in men anyway. They think the guys I'm interested in are not good-looking. Excuse me! I look at the heart okay! This is called the inner beauty! Walao. *multiple pokes*

Ok, going to watch Beauty World this Wednesday or Saturday. Hopefully YZ can make it, if not I'd have to go watch alone again. Anyway it's nice to watch a musical alone, nobody to disturb you and you get to submerge yourself fully into the whole atmosphere as well as in your own thoughts of the musical after the musical.

Getting attached

I asked my friend how he got together with his current girlfriend.

Friend: Knew her from camp last semester. Just ask her free for lunch?
Friend: like that =D
me: huh! wah lao, so unromantic!
Friend: ehhh u teach me one lehhh >.<
me: ISIT? I DID?
me: shit, I'm so unromantic
Friend: you say get to know girl just ask them out for coffee
Friend: or something like that X_X
me: hahahaha
Friend: then I did lor >.<
Friend: I guess that worked X_X

I'm flattered, he actually took my advice!

me: Then?? What happened during lunch?
Friend: wah liew, then I shy like mad lar
me: Isit!!! hahahaha! you will shy ah
Friend: Don't know how to talk sia
Friend: Then she more shy than me sia
me: HAHAHA
Friend: The first time we ate lunch together, both damn stressed
me: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Friend: She kept looking at her bowl, then I don't know where to look, don't dare to look at her. Wah liew, stress until I sweat

They sounded so cute that I was giggling like crazy on my side of the computer.

How about yours? For the guys, did you ask her to be your girlfriend or was it a silent, mutual consensual kind of thing? Or if you're a girl, were you the one who asked your boyfriend to be your boyfriend?

Cold, cold week

6 hours ago I had the most horrible chat with Yanwei, a friend of mine. That's not to say that he's a horrible person because he isn't, in fact he's a very nice person to talk to. It was the content of the speech, one specific section of it that very simply broke my heart.

We had so far been sharing with each other snippets of our love lives, or the lack of it. So it was no surprise when we went back to that topic after a bit. I was insanely curious over the behaviour of this particular guy I liked in the past and Yanwei, very nicely being a guy, provided me with one probable insight of what could be the reason for his action.

I doubt the person I'm going to talk about is going to ever come back and read my blog again but it does not warrant me to reveal his name, who he is and his background. If you know, you know, if you don't, please don't ask me.

Things between that person and I were... We knew each other, but we never knew each other. Simply put, one day he simply, for lack of a better word, disappeared. Not physically because I always saw him online and even met him once during this period, but emotionally and mentally he was gone. Contact just ceased to a minimal. I knew very well what was happening, but I could not fathom why he could not have told me straight, could not understand why he was there one day and the next, to me, gone. I couldn't understand why he left me hanging there. Yes, I admit, I might have hurt him, maybe it is my retribution. But I was confused, puzzled, how he could have told me one day he misses me and then the next week, the week after, the week after after, not contact me not talk to me. I am very, very hurt, very upset, very disappointed.

I don't know how to say it, nor am I at this point willing to elaborate how it went, but simply to me he disappeared.

I asked Yanwei why and he told me that it is probable that even before that, that guy has already lost those feelings for me.

Yes, I can understand that.

He said maybe because he did not know how to tell me, that it is very difficult to tell a girl that he has no interest anymore. He said that it is possible things between me and him might not even be that of friends anymore because it is simply very difficult to do so after this.

I listened to his reasoning and I had to fight back the urge to cry. Not even friends? To have to pretend that things never happened between us? To pretend that I had never met him, never known him? Never liked him, never held his hand, never hugged him? To never have him as a friend again for the rest of my life? No, to have lost a friend?

My heart broke then.

A moment before 6 hours ago I wished that guy had told me how he had felt, wished we could have been friends, wished more than anything we could have been talking.

Now I don't want to see him, don't want to talk to him, don't want to know anything. Because I know he isn't going to talk to me on his own. We aren't going to be friends, we aren't going to see each other again and we aren't going to talk. Just like that. And I was so naive, so stupid, to have thought confronting him online with those words from my heart about being friends, would have made a difference.

So different, so similar, so drastically different.

And just a few days before, I finally realized what it is meant to be cold. There's nothing special about things, nothing is ever how I saw it. So naive of me. There is no dual relationship - where there is one, there cannot be another. I don't know how it works out for others, but this was the way for me.


This is all wrong wrong WRONG! This isn't the way to deal with it, there has got to be a better way. There has to be a better way. I need to let go, though the loss of a possible friendship with the guy is the most regretful thing and it hurts like crazy.

I need to let go.
I need to cry, but my tears have stopped flowing for me long ago.

Taking action and waiting

There is this strong feeling inside of me which tells me that it isn't going to be an easy road for me in terms of relationships. Something tells me there is a high probability of not having anybody in the end.

Of all things I fear, this is one of the things I fear most, yet it is also the thing I desire most.

So why do I wish for it when I fear it and when I might not have it? I've hesitated and hesitated and hesitated. I don't have the courage for it. I know if and when I come across another guy, I'll just hesitate again, and when I hesitate, everything in me shuts down. I can't talk, can't process things. There's a reason why I get along better with guys when we're just friends.

Some things cannot wait, some things are gone when you wait too long. But if you're standing on the other side - good things come to those who wait. Know when to take action, know when to wait.

Loving another

My friends would fall in love, love, love even more, and then fall out of love. Sometimes their relationships never started, sometimes they have lasted for 2 years, 3 years, 4 years. Then when they write, there is so much anguish in those words that I can feel it spilling out of the screen and into me.

They cry, they mourn and lament. Then they stand up again, wiped away those tears and slowly recover.

When I see them, they'd smile and laugh like everything's alright once again. I hope it's true. They're strong enough to go through it. I'd look at them and wonder how they do it, allow themselves to fall in love, surrender their heart and emotions to another's will at the risk of getting hurt in the end. How can they trust so deeply? I admire them.

Then I seriously wonder if I will ever experience that sensation of loving somebody, loving without obsession, just loving him. I wonder if I'll learn to trust another with my heart and have enough courage to accept another's heart.

Will this person ever appear? Does he exist? If he does, who is he? Do I know him already? When will I meet him? What do I do? Will he love me? Can I love him? Will he teach me how to? Will he wait for me? Please wait for me. Sometimes I feel so lonely I'd talk to him in my head. Hey, did you see how that bird caught its meal? Isn't it fascinating? Hey dear, how are you? I miss you, wish you were here. Then I'd catch myself doing that and laugh inwardly.

I don't know who you are, but I think I can love you.

Romantic inclination

I think I just might finally be able to talk about it. It kind of came as a revelation, despite the fact that I am now really mentally exhausted and desperately need sleep. You know like a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel? Only that this isn't the end of the tunnel, it's some hole in the ceiling somewhere along the tunnel, letting some light in. Talk about death and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Heh. At some points in this entry I'm going to be so embarrassed about what I'm telling.

Few months back, there were 2 guys in my life. One after the other, almost consecutively, one told me he was kind of attracted to me, the other hinted (apparently very obviously but I didn't quite get it). So we started going out as friends, to get to know more about each other. Seriously, I was very confused then. With barely any experience in facing situations where guys actually expressed interest in you, not to say go out properly with them, even as friends but with that underlying connotation, as well as with one very bad experience etched permanently in my mind, I was going into overdrive.

I was having everything I did not have before. I had attention, care, midnight calls and I was going out alternately with either of them. During this period of time, I found myself growing increasingly attached to the first of the two. Everything told me it was wrong and would not work out, in fact, every fiber in my body told me these two guys are not the ones. They are really nice people, but we just do not fit. I do not know how to explain that feeling despite my friends repeatedly asking me about it. It is just this gut feeling that it is wrong. Everything in me told me to move away to avoid getting hurt and hurting anybody in any aspect, and despite it all, I plunged myself into it and (tried to) balanced between the two.

You might say that it is just a process of getting to know them, why make it so... difficult? Well, I am naive, what can I say? I expected hurt, though. The very least I learned was to always expect hurt. I expected more than double the hurt because there were two of them and pain builds on each other. Why bother about the pain? I thought then. I was experiencing all the joys without the pain. I'll decide later, see what happens.

So I grew increasingly attached to the first guy, it is my vice - I like a person too easily, we went out together, we did not click and somewhere in the middle, he dropped out. I felt like I was left hanging there, completely without explanation, without anything. I had started to put down that shield I had painstakingly built around me, I thought for once I could actually do this and start feeling again. I did not expect reciprocation of my feelings, I only wanted frankness and honesty. If there was no more feelings for me at all anymore, all I wanted was a direct explanation from the person. I can handle that frankness, I cannot handle underlying meanings and the process of drawing conclusions myself.

And sadly, that was exactly what I had to do - draw conclusions myself. I remember that it was a horrible period for me but I do not remember the entire process nor do I want to remember it. There was that hint of despondence I seriously did not ever want to experience again in my entire life. What I could let go, I did, what I could reconcile, I did. There was still that bit of pain and disappointment leftover though, and I am very embarrassed to say that I suppressed it within and avoided whatever I could. It felt really bad, but frankly, I don't remember anything now. I had either lost that feeling, or constant avoidance of that sensation had made things this way.

It was about that time that I rebuilt that shield a little around me.

During the entire time he was there and then wasn't, guy 2 was still there. I cannot explain how I feel about him because it is really very mixed. I once told him I don't know how I feel about him, but it isn't the way he felt towards me. From the beginning, my gut feeling told me we are a wrong match, yet I am also oddly drawn towards him. Yes, at some point in time I ended up liking both of them.

(Ok, right now I'm so disorganized that I feel like just ending this entry right here.)

We grew closer, but he was never my boyfriend. Yes I have a goddamn freaking phobia of relationships ever since I don't know when. I always expect the worse to happen and nothing good to happen. Anyway he was really sweet. Ironically, within the wrongness it felt so right to be with him. However do I explain it? Sometimes I feel like he is reading my mind. Being with him satisfied me emotionally and I was actually happy. Because here was a guy who actually don't mind going out with me once a day every week, who asks me out instead of the other way round.

The bad thing was I started taking it for granted.

A month ago, he went overseas. Until just now, I didn't see him for a month. I was disappointed, upset, scared and angry both at him and myself.

I missed him really badly. Couple of weeks ago, my friend asked if I was missing him because I liked him or missing him because of his absence. I don't know then and I still don't know now. I don't know if he is still interested in me and by right though it should not matter because every fiber in me said this is not a relationship to go into, how he feels does matter to me. In spite of that now-diminishing-voice inside me telling me to just go away, everything about him matter to me, bothers me.

And I still sincerely don't know how I feel.

I asked him out for dinner today at the last minute. Thankful and happy that he agreed. Seeing him was really good. But as I watched him walked away at the end of the day, there was this horrible sinking feeling in me that almost made me lose control of myself.

I'm a terrible girl. Emotionally messed up and thinking too much. And I really really, don't know how I truly feel about him.

Despite it all, what I said before about frankness and honesty still stands. If his interest is waning, I hope he would tell me straight. I can handle that, I just cannot handle this continuous questioning inside my head.

I know I seriously have a problem, I'm just not sure how much of my problem is actually not a problem and how much is.

You know, actually I really have to thank both of them. Thank you and Thank you. For being nice, patient, accepting and understanding with me. You both might not know, might not ever read this, but you made me feel again, made me realize who I might be and what is it I really am looking for. I find it amazing that people can be so real, emitting so much warmth.

I was remarking to him today that the word "love" raised goosebumps on my arms. Too mushy, too extreme, too much. However, I realized that ironically, I really am searching and desperately yearning for that one thing I am afraid of - love.

你在哪儿？

为什么寻找爱会这么辛苦？我会找到我的“他”吗？我们在一起会高兴吗？我有属于自己的一个“他”吗？我能爱吗？
总觉得“爱”是件好恐怖的事。我不明白为什么会爱一个人，为什么会要找那个特别的人，可是我想爱和被爱。如果有个“他”，我想找属于我的那个“他”。

不知道他现在在哪儿，不知道他是谁，可是我希望他现在过得好，活得快乐。

So cliche, but doesn't this sound like the phrase "I loved you before I met you"? Whoever you are, I love you now and I'm waiting for the day I meet you.

Dating

I'm so tired that I am not tired anymore.

This is an interesting blog which has been around for quite some time now. Titled "Who Will I Marry? - Looking for the man of my mother's dreams", it records the thoughts of a 27 year old woman who has been actively searching for "the other half" since she was 25, aware of a woman's, I quote, "use-by date of 29 years of age", after which she will be considered unwanted.

I secretly read this blog with great interest and, I confess, a certain level of relief. I'm barely 21, but with relationship issues - read: great fear and uncertainty preventing me from stepping into one - and seriously wondering if I will ever get attached and subsequently find that somebody special and get married.

Argh, it's 1.30am and my mind is only half-working. Apologies if entry do not sound as coherent as usual. Alright, anyway her latest entry described exactly what I think of dating.

This section below she describes dating in the early 20s:

In the mid-teens to early 20s, dating was quick, fast and you fell into love like you were in and out of a McDonald’s drive-through. With complete and utter infatuation, you went out on a couple of dates, and fell into a relationship like a ton of bricks. Only to realise that perhaps it didn’t work out, or if it did, you enjoyed each other’s company with little regard for the looming future. In the early 20s, dating meant being ‘boyfriend-girlfriend.’ You could either be boyfriend-girlfriend for 1 month, or 6 years.

And that is what most of my friends have in mind. If I went out with somebody consistently enough, it meant we're a couple. I was talking to my friend and he said very clearly,

He is either your boyfriend or he is not, no such thing as "kind of" or "don't know".

AH, how long was it since I was ever this frank here? Alright, on to the next part she wrote:

In the late 20s, dating means ‘we’re seeing each other.’ He’s not exactly my boyfriend, she’s not my girlfriend, but we’re interested enough to spend more time with each other. Yet, at the same time, possibly, we’re keeping our options open.

This is exactly what I thought about dating.

And she further puts down the exact words for why I think the way I do about relationships and dating:

Everyone’s a little more scared of making that commitment into complete exclusivity.

It described my thoughts so well that I freaked out for a moment.

Ok, too tired now. Can barely keep eyes open. Am probably talking nonsense throughout this post. I would probably find most of it to be not accurate when I re-read it in the morning after some sleep. Take it with a pinch of salt. Bed.

Complications of Missing

I hate it when I miss people. It means that there are emotions, which means that I am vulnerable. I really don't like being emotionally vulnerable. Usually I'll cover my ass up when there's such a chance of it happening but there are also loop holes here and there. Emotions, carelessness and over-confidence get to me, you see, and I don't do a clean job of it.

So yes, I'm doing some missing here.

Seriously, why do people have to date, fall in love or find "that special person"? Isn't being an individual enough?