Lost

When you're already on the lowest edge of achieving a CAP which would qualify you for a 2nd lower class Honours, there are two things you could do, or rather, two things I can do.

1) Listen to the sensible voice in my head and take modules which will be likely to pull my CAP up, meaning modules which are plain memorization, take little effort to study and easy to score. This would likely mean modules which do not interest me.

Or, I could

2) Ignore the stupid voice and take modules that I would like to do. In the meantime also successfully pulling my grade down because those modules are usually difficult to study and more difficult to score.

However,

Since the possibility of me scoring a perfect score of 5 for the next 2 semesters is near impossible for me (I am not stupid, but I am not brilliant either), I do not see the need to score exceptionally well in any modules since any grade lying within the 2nd Lower range would still get me a 2nd Lower, thus bringing me to the conclusion that I could take whatever modules I want and to do reasonably well in them would be enough. However, because I am not brilliant, a reasonable score would mean I have to put in a lot a lot a lot a lot of effort and looking at things, it is likely that I would screw up anyway.

Sigh. I'm very tired of all these. I'm really lost. I have no goal in life, no idea what to do, no trust in myself and no courage. I don't know what I want, so I don't know what direction to go in, don't know where is right. Now I don't even think my previous dream of being a Clinical Psychologist is what I want. It does not help that my mother has told me directly that she would like me to graduate with an Honours. Is an Honours so important?

Truthfully, I cannot envisage myself holding a desk job, cannot imagine me going to office, reporting to a boss, doing work, going out for lunch as with everybody else, coming back smelling of food court and then counting down the hours to end of work. The very idea repulses me. I look at amazement and a little pity at people who are doing that. I don't understand why they are doing what they are doing, especially if they hate their jobs to the core. I look at my cousin working part-time as an accounts assistant and I am partly in awe, partly disappointed that she can also be one of them and can endure all of this. And yet, all these jobs are essential, the very things which are needed to drive an economy, a country, a society. There is nothing wrong with all these jobs, but I see them as fundamentally... restrictive. Controlling. How can people allow a job to take away their lives? I really do not understand. I don't wish for a normal job yet I am a very normal person. Can a normal person be different?

Life and mixing around with everybody is erasing the ideas I had, the trust I had, the belief and so many things. It would be nice to go back to Secondary school, JC times or in Year 1, to taste the confidence I had, once again.

I envy those who have a goal, have a dream, who knows what they are doing and what they want. Envious, jealous, respectful and very much in awe of them.