Random

Dear God (any God),

If you exist, could you make my life a little bit easier this semester? I know I'm pretty dumb already, perhaps reaching for things I'm not able to succeed at, but it would be nice if school went well this semester.

Never mind that I can't get my 6th module because that is really my fault. Could have passed that dammit module that semester and saved a lot of trouble. But now I can't get either of Trauma Psychology's tutorial slots, the only two which I can fit into my timetable, and can only clinch a Friday slot for my Adolescence Psychology, turning my 4-day week into a 5-day one. I probably would not have minded if there was a lecture on Friday but there isn't and I spend more time travelling to and fro school compared to the duration of the tutorial. In fact, it isn't just on Friday, it happens every Tuesday and every alternate Monday and Thursday.

This is a seriously screwed up year for me. Somehow I've expended my energy somewhere else. I don't even know where I expended it on. I don't have the energy to deal with appealing for tutorials slots or modules. So tiny things, but I don't have the energy to deal with it. I think it's so true, what somebody once said, that I would not know what the word "business" means, because I'm so small. I think I'm so small, so small that at one point I didn't think I was worth living. I thought that if I died, the world would be a better place.

When I pray and offer joss sticks, recently I don't wish for good results or that everything would go well. All I pray for is my health because I believe that if I have my health, then I can do everything. I had so much faith in myself, where did it all go?

OK, END OF LETTER TO GOD. I CAN'T STAND WRITING THIS KIND OF THING TO GOD OF ANY KIND.

But I can continue rambling, right?

One day I just realized I didn't know what I was doing nor what I want. Worst of all, I doubt my own capabilities and I don't even trust myself.

Today I was sitting at an empty table on my own when this guy came over and asked if he could sit at the other end. I had this compulsion to make his acquaintance firstly because he looks my age, secondly he looks like a year one, and also simply because I would like to have a guy, somebody special. It was so rubbish I was raising eyebrows at myself inside of myself. Yar, finally I think I can handle the mere idea of having a relationship. I can see my friends jumping up and down or grinning widely at the screen. For so long they have thought that my ideas on relationships are weird when I thought they were perfectly reasonable though a bit questionable. In case you don't know, friend, you look very weird, grinning at the screen. For some rubbish reason, I also have this feeling that the next guy will be it, the final somebody. Then again, maybe not. *shrug* Have to keep my mind off disappointments.

I don't even know why I'm writing this entry. I've been talking about relationships so much that I'm sick of it. Would you all like to hear about my lectures and who snored in class?

If scratching could scratch out that freaking horrible bit in me I keep feeling, I would have done so.

Ok, have to get down to studying. Reminded that tomorrow have to go to IKEA to see if they have those small little tables, some mats and cushions. Have been wanting those for ages.
Now I feel positively better after writing this whole thing though there really isn't much value in it all.