Romantic inclination

I think I just might finally be able to talk about it. It kind of came as a revelation, despite the fact that I am now really mentally exhausted and desperately need sleep. You know like a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel? Only that this isn't the end of the tunnel, it's some hole in the ceiling somewhere along the tunnel, letting some light in. Talk about death and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Heh. At some points in this entry I'm going to be so embarrassed about what I'm telling.

Few months back, there were 2 guys in my life. One after the other, almost consecutively, one told me he was kind of attracted to me, the other hinted (apparently very obviously but I didn't quite get it). So we started going out as friends, to get to know more about each other. Seriously, I was very confused then. With barely any experience in facing situations where guys actually expressed interest in you, not to say go out properly with them, even as friends but with that underlying connotation, as well as with one very bad experience etched permanently in my mind, I was going into overdrive.

I was having everything I did not have before. I had attention, care, midnight calls and I was going out alternately with either of them. During this period of time, I found myself growing increasingly attached to the first of the two. Everything told me it was wrong and would not work out, in fact, every fiber in my body told me these two guys are not the ones. They are really nice people, but we just do not fit. I do not know how to explain that feeling despite my friends repeatedly asking me about it. It is just this gut feeling that it is wrong. Everything in me told me to move away to avoid getting hurt and hurting anybody in any aspect, and despite it all, I plunged myself into it and (tried to) balanced between the two.

You might say that it is just a process of getting to know them, why make it so... difficult? Well, I am naive, what can I say? I expected hurt, though. The very least I learned was to always expect hurt. I expected more than double the hurt because there were two of them and pain builds on each other. Why bother about the pain? I thought then. I was experiencing all the joys without the pain. I'll decide later, see what happens.

So I grew increasingly attached to the first guy, it is my vice - I like a person too easily, we went out together, we did not click and somewhere in the middle, he dropped out. I felt like I was left hanging there, completely without explanation, without anything. I had started to put down that shield I had painstakingly built around me, I thought for once I could actually do this and start feeling again. I did not expect reciprocation of my feelings, I only wanted frankness and honesty. If there was no more feelings for me at all anymore, all I wanted was a direct explanation from the person. I can handle that frankness, I cannot handle underlying meanings and the process of drawing conclusions myself.

And sadly, that was exactly what I had to do - draw conclusions myself. I remember that it was a horrible period for me but I do not remember the entire process nor do I want to remember it. There was that hint of despondence I seriously did not ever want to experience again in my entire life. What I could let go, I did, what I could reconcile, I did. There was still that bit of pain and disappointment leftover though, and I am very embarrassed to say that I suppressed it within and avoided whatever I could. It felt really bad, but frankly, I don't remember anything now. I had either lost that feeling, or constant avoidance of that sensation had made things this way.

It was about that time that I rebuilt that shield a little around me.

During the entire time he was there and then wasn't, guy 2 was still there. I cannot explain how I feel about him because it is really very mixed. I once told him I don't know how I feel about him, but it isn't the way he felt towards me. From the beginning, my gut feeling told me we are a wrong match, yet I am also oddly drawn towards him. Yes, at some point in time I ended up liking both of them.

(Ok, right now I'm so disorganized that I feel like just ending this entry right here.)

We grew closer, but he was never my boyfriend. Yes I have a goddamn freaking phobia of relationships ever since I don't know when. I always expect the worse to happen and nothing good to happen. Anyway he was really sweet. Ironically, within the wrongness it felt so right to be with him. However do I explain it? Sometimes I feel like he is reading my mind. Being with him satisfied me emotionally and I was actually happy. Because here was a guy who actually don't mind going out with me once a day every week, who asks me out instead of the other way round.

The bad thing was I started taking it for granted.

A month ago, he went overseas. Until just now, I didn't see him for a month. I was disappointed, upset, scared and angry both at him and myself.

I missed him really badly. Couple of weeks ago, my friend asked if I was missing him because I liked him or missing him because of his absence. I don't know then and I still don't know now. I don't know if he is still interested in me and by right though it should not matter because every fiber in me said this is not a relationship to go into, how he feels does matter to me. In spite of that now-diminishing-voice inside me telling me to just go away, everything about him matter to me, bothers me.

And I still sincerely don't know how I feel.

I asked him out for dinner today at the last minute. Thankful and happy that he agreed. Seeing him was really good. But as I watched him walked away at the end of the day, there was this horrible sinking feeling in me that almost made me lose control of myself.

I'm a terrible girl. Emotionally messed up and thinking too much. And I really really, don't know how I truly feel about him.

Despite it all, what I said before about frankness and honesty still stands. If his interest is waning, I hope he would tell me straight. I can handle that, I just cannot handle this continuous questioning inside my head.

I know I seriously have a problem, I'm just not sure how much of my problem is actually not a problem and how much is.

You know, actually I really have to thank both of them. Thank you and Thank you. For being nice, patient, accepting and understanding with me. You both might not know, might not ever read this, but you made me feel again, made me realize who I might be and what is it I really am looking for. I find it amazing that people can be so real, emitting so much warmth.

I was remarking to him today that the word "love" raised goosebumps on my arms. Too mushy, too extreme, too much. However, I realized that ironically, I really am searching and desperately yearning for that one thing I am afraid of - love.