Cold, cold week

6 hours ago I had the most horrible chat with Yanwei, a friend of mine. That's not to say that he's a horrible person because he isn't, in fact he's a very nice person to talk to. It was the content of the speech, one specific section of it that very simply broke my heart.

We had so far been sharing with each other snippets of our love lives, or the lack of it. So it was no surprise when we went back to that topic after a bit. I was insanely curious over the behaviour of this particular guy I liked in the past and Yanwei, very nicely being a guy, provided me with one probable insight of what could be the reason for his action.

I doubt the person I'm going to talk about is going to ever come back and read my blog again but it does not warrant me to reveal his name, who he is and his background. If you know, you know, if you don't, please don't ask me.

Things between that person and I were... We knew each other, but we never knew each other. Simply put, one day he simply, for lack of a better word, disappeared. Not physically because I always saw him online and even met him once during this period, but emotionally and mentally he was gone. Contact just ceased to a minimal. I knew very well what was happening, but I could not fathom why he could not have told me straight, could not understand why he was there one day and the next, to me, gone. I couldn't understand why he left me hanging there. Yes, I admit, I might have hurt him, maybe it is my retribution. But I was confused, puzzled, how he could have told me one day he misses me and then the next week, the week after, the week after after, not contact me not talk to me. I am very, very hurt, very upset, very disappointed.

I don't know how to say it, nor am I at this point willing to elaborate how it went, but simply to me he disappeared.

I asked Yanwei why and he told me that it is probable that even before that, that guy has already lost those feelings for me.

Yes, I can understand that.

He said maybe because he did not know how to tell me, that it is very difficult to tell a girl that he has no interest anymore. He said that it is possible things between me and him might not even be that of friends anymore because it is simply very difficult to do so after this.

I listened to his reasoning and I had to fight back the urge to cry. Not even friends? To have to pretend that things never happened between us? To pretend that I had never met him, never known him? Never liked him, never held his hand, never hugged him? To never have him as a friend again for the rest of my life? No, to have lost a friend?

My heart broke then.

A moment before 6 hours ago I wished that guy had told me how he had felt, wished we could have been friends, wished more than anything we could have been talking.

Now I don't want to see him, don't want to talk to him, don't want to know anything. Because I know he isn't going to talk to me on his own. We aren't going to be friends, we aren't going to see each other again and we aren't going to talk. Just like that. And I was so naive, so stupid, to have thought confronting him online with those words from my heart about being friends, would have made a difference.

So different, so similar, so drastically different.

And just a few days before, I finally realized what it is meant to be cold. There's nothing special about things, nothing is ever how I saw it. So naive of me. There is no dual relationship - where there is one, there cannot be another. I don't know how it works out for others, but this was the way for me.


This is all wrong wrong WRONG! This isn't the way to deal with it, there has got to be a better way. There has to be a better way. I need to let go, though the loss of a possible friendship with the guy is the most regretful thing and it hurts like crazy.

I need to let go.
I need to cry, but my tears have stopped flowing for me long ago.