In denial

All our classmates mourning

It don't make sense. It don't seem real. He's too real, too recent, too young to be gone.

I've been staring at my textbook for the past hour or so and I have only gone through 2 pages. I can't concentrate. My insides are a total mess after knowing that Cheston had died because of an asthma attack and an expired inhaler. That suffering!

The thought that kept popping into my mind was why did he not check that his inhaler was still usable. Why why why? If he had, it would have been alright, he would have been with us still. I know it's wrong to keep saying this, to keep talking about it. Like Nasrul says, we all do shit, and only when shit really happens that we all regret. Logically speaking, it does no help to keep thinking about it, to harp on it, to blame him for his own death. I know full well how pointless it is and how thoughtless. He did not want to die I'm sure, so how can I blame him? Who am I to even talk about this? Think of the accidents that occur and the deaths that result from them, are they not also of one slight error? Forgetting to look across the shoulder or a tired night. Please don't scold me or think that I am heartless. It is just something that keeps on running through my mind and it bugs me no end. I imagine what he must have been thinking when he realized the inhaler had expired, what he must have felt, the fear and anxiety, the regret and his many wishes.

And I feel scared for him.

It don't fit in. It's like this is a joke, only that it isn't. I keep expecting the next moment for one of my friends to tell me that he had just woken up in hospital, took one sudden breath of air and woke up.

This afternoon I saw Eng Wen in the computer lab and on impulse told him the news. I started crying. I don't even know why the tears were there, it just flowed as I told him. I haven't felt so sad in some time.

Cheston, I really hope there was no pain for you then and I hope there is no pain where you are now. You used your life well and have brought us a lot of laughter and fun, we will always remember that. Know that you are loved and always will be loved.

Tomorrow I'll be going for his wake and I will blog about it, then... we'll see if this blog is still here. I think it's time to archive.