Tired

It was the same time, same place and this time I was early.

Just had my Cognitive Psychology paper today and I'm sure I am going to pass it this time round, though probably not scoring well. The paper was simply too easy and it was interesting to write about, which means competition will be great. Not to mention I did not really plan my time well and wasted a whole bunch of marks by not answering the last essay question well. Must say after the first horrendous self-esteem-lowering paper, I have become so calm it's kind of scary. A little anxious before the paper but that was basically it. Unconsciously I have already given up hope. I have never felt this relaxed and un-bothered before. I just want to pass the paper with a minimum B-. I don't care if I have a CAP of a third-class Honours, if I still go on to Honours year. It's a little upsetting, but...

Do you have something really important to you? Do you have a dream, or something you really want to do? Imagine all this time you have been going after that dream or the faint possibility of it, then one day you got so tired of chasing after it, you can't catch up and the next thing you know it disappears.

For some reason it's a huge relief to not have to keep sight of anything for once. For once I can actually imagine my life as a normal 9 to 5 worker. For once I can accept the possibility of it. Is this something to be afraid of? Laughed at? Upset about?

I never in the past understood nor could I have ever imagined the possibility of working like a normal person. (I don't know what I imagined otherwise, HAHA!) Suddenly I realize how easy it is, how straight forward this path is. I did not have to think to understand this path because it was in front of me all this time. I just had to lower my sights and look at my feet. And it should be upsetting me, to know how far I have fallen but I'm not really that upset. Frankly I'm too tired to bother. Hmm, maybe it's not a bad thing, learn things again, you know. Maybe be a little bit more realistic. Ha, how much I have detested that word, be realistic. Maybe I just need to be realistic again.

What do you do when your self-esteem finally dropped so low it's... no idea how to describe. When you hold no hope, see no future, lost the urge to fight and feel utterly useless. Everybody is better than you. Everybody. When you feel that you are good at nothing and everything is too difficult. When you were once competition, you were the one who pushed others out, now others are stepping on you and pushing you out. What would you feel or do against this?

Without any energy.

Tired.

I don't remember the last time I took a break.

无阻。无力。累。

那晚当我躺在床上时，我在黑暗中流着泪很小声的问，为什么我还活着。现在想起来很可怕。And very insensitive.

I'm not sure who to talk to, or who would understand. Who else would give me advice other than "it's just the exams"? Because I know it isn't just the exams. And who would believe that? Who else will give me advice other than "studies is not important"? Because it isn't important for you, does not mean it is not important for me or for that little bit of dream inside of me.

Maybe I'm just being spiteful.