Depression and suicide

I look at my blog and the layout makes me feel very, very, very claustrophobic.

And I can feel the swing of my mood towards depressive again. Ok, there's got to be a long term way of dealing with this depressive part of me. Unless you've ever gone through one of these depressive states, you don't really fully comprehend how difficult and painful the whole episode is. I won't say I fully comprehend because I know of some people whom, I believe, have gone through lower mood swings than me.

I'm not talking about common low emotions here, but a state of mood that's so low and lasts so long that it's really scary (to the person).

It's not something that, how most people believe, can be easily dealt with the all-too-common phrase "just forget it and be happy". Trust me, saying that to somebody depressed or in a depressive mood is no help at all. In fact, minimizing it would only make the person feel worse because it indicates to the person that you don't understand at all or think it's simply stupid. Sadly, that's what most people believes, that when a person is depressed, the person is being stupid.

It might be very difficult to understand it at all, that much I know because I am also guilty of having minimized somebody else's problem before. The least we can do is to accept what the person is saying he feels.

I don't really remember how being, here I use the term loosely, depressed, felt and I really don't wish to experience it, not to that extent ever again. I believe some understand what I mean, the hopelessness, helplessness and lethargy. When I'm in that state, I force myself to do things. Things like walking, bathing, studying, eating, talking and smiling. Things like getting up from the chair and answering to a question. Anything that require moving any part of my body.

I had walked along roads and felt the urge to just step out in front of the vehicles. Somebody else I know has told me she once felt like that too. Some time ago when in normal state, I have made a pact with myself that if ever depressed and thinking of suicide, I will not ever do it, however strong is the urge, because I know I will regret it. It is the one thing I will keep in mind and abide by, force myself if I need to, regardless of how things are. Haha, sometimes single-mindedness does help a lot.

Once told cousin before that in any case she feels like contemplating suicide, to always remember my pimply face telling her to stop. I don't know how to explain it, in the beginning it's something like forcing yourself to believe in something you don't, then later on you (hopefully) simply believe in that sentence - "I'll regret it". I'd just keep repeating to myself in my head. I believe most people don't really want to commit suicide.

Which reminds me - if somebody ever tells you she/he is contemplating suicide, don't ever dismiss it. The more plans a person has made regarding his/her suicide, the more likely he/she will go ahead with it. If somebody tells you he/she is thinking about suicide, it really is a cry for help.