Why don't you date?

I don't know. How about because I don't have any suitors?
Or how about because I don't wish to? Because I don't know how to.

I've wondered, does knowing how to date come naturally to everyone? People I know seem to fall so naturally into a relationship, knowing what to do and what not to do. Don't they fear doing something wrong? Don't they fear this is not going to turn out right? How do you know when to hold the person's hand, when to call him or what to talk to him about?

I look at couples in the trains/buses/everywhere quite fantastically, imagining if I were like them but never quite believing that I will ever be like them. I can imagine and wish to a certain extent, but I cannot believe I will ever be like them. I cannot imagine having a partner whom I am free to call, talk to, free to be myself in front of him. I simply don't know how that is like. The thought is heartwarming, cute and amusing but beyond my understanding. Don't you ever run out of topics to say? Don't you ever feel awkward? Now when I see somebody I fancy, my brain simply automatically switches into "It's not possible" mode which translates into bodily action read simply as "I'm not interested, not available, go away." I see somebody, think "he's cute, that's nice, it's not possible" then switch to "somebody's thrown a plastic bag away..."

I kind of wish I knew what it's like, having somebody with whom I have no lack of things to talk about, somebody who would hold hands with me, whom I can call when I am feeling down or happy or nervous. I kind of wish I knew what it's like, dating. I wish I knew what it's like, having that widely talked about "chemistry".

What a random post! OK! Going to prepare to head down to Esplanade to watch a Hand Bells performance by some group from U.S.A, with Pearlin and possibly Yiang Shan.

At least I know how it's like, standing on stage with a few hundred pairs of eyes staring at me!