Loss

For so long part of me wondered why I do what I did and all of a sudden today I have come to realize what a part of the reason is.

I think I have done almost everything, given almost everything. Maybe I have done insufficient or given wrongly because it seems as if nothing has changed and nothing will change.

From that moment I felt completely lost and heartbroken because I really don't know what else I can do. Nothing more in my hands, it is beyond my reach. That sudden realization of loss...

I guess this is it, isn't it.

Why don't you date?

I don't know. How about because I don't have any suitors?
Or how about because I don't wish to? Because I don't know how to.

I've wondered, does knowing how to date come naturally to everyone? People I know seem to fall so naturally into a relationship, knowing what to do and what not to do. Don't they fear doing something wrong? Don't they fear this is not going to turn out right? How do you know when to hold the person's hand, when to call him or what to talk to him about?

I look at couples in the trains/buses/everywhere quite fantastically, imagining if I were like them but never quite believing that I will ever be like them. I can imagine and wish to a certain extent, but I cannot believe I will ever be like them. I cannot imagine having a partner whom I am free to call, talk to, free to be myself in front of him. I simply don't know how that is like. The thought is heartwarming, cute and amusing but beyond my understanding. Don't you ever run out of topics to say? Don't you ever feel awkward? Now when I see somebody I fancy, my brain simply automatically switches into "It's not possible" mode which translates into bodily action read simply as "I'm not interested, not available, go away." I see somebody, think "he's cute, that's nice, it's not possible" then switch to "somebody's thrown a plastic bag away..."

I kind of wish I knew what it's like, having somebody with whom I have no lack of things to talk about, somebody who would hold hands with me, whom I can call when I am feeling down or happy or nervous. I kind of wish I knew what it's like, dating. I wish I knew what it's like, having that widely talked about "chemistry".

What a random post! OK! Going to prepare to head down to Esplanade to watch a Hand Bells performance by some group from U.S.A, with Pearlin and possibly Yiang Shan.

At least I know how it's like, standing on stage with a few hundred pairs of eyes staring at me!

Don't know

I don't know why I still feel this way towards him when he don't.

一点点

我，

有点。。。

想。。。



他。

Haven't felt this sort of hurt before. Didn't know there are different types of hurt. Each one feels different. The heart is very much torn, by something I've never really had. How can I lose something I've never had?

No, I have had it once. I've once gained something, haven't I? I didn't even know.

I think I can now understand a little bit more. That smile... I pray he'll always have it.
I think I will be alright, I just cannot see very far in front of me now.

So long. There's no need for me to think about it anymore. Some things I cannot change, some things I cannot face, unless I'm emotionally ready for it. This time round I don't know how long it'll take because I can feel my head aching from the tears behind my eyes now. This time round the tears are so close. But I'll be ok.

Dear,
One day I'll finally find you. Wait for me.

I need to know why and how

I know I said that I'd be on hiatus but I am simply too upset and overflowing with emotions.

How I feel now is not because I like him, it is not because I want to stick to him, it is not because I want to harass him or see him or anything like that. I just want to talk to him and to have him talk to me. I don't care if it is to scold me, to tell me how horrible I am, how much he hates me and don't want to see me anymore. Right now I just want him to acknowledge my presence and talk back to me as he would to a normal person. I want a single hi.

I wish he would come in and read this post. I wish he would understand why the fuck I'm feeling so upset. I wish he even slightly cared, or have a little tiny bit of guilt in him or curiosity to want to come in and read a little because I don't know how to get it across to him anymore.

I want him to know that I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE. Did you see that? It's in capitals in case he just decided to glimpse past this post even for a moment. Read this, dammit, read it!

I'm so upset and frustrated not because I still like him in that way. This is the disappointment you get when you expect more from a person than what he gave you and this is the helplessness you feel when you know you cannot do anything about it all. This is also the fear that all of this stems from you. This is the fear from 2 very unsuccessful non-relationships.

Is this how you deal with things? When I asked you about your previous relationships, you only said you don't know and you can't remember. Is this what happened? I'm curious. Because I don't see how any good can come out of ignoring a person. What are you thinking about? How are you perceiving it all? I want to know. Why can't two persons who find out they cannot be together be friends? What do you see things as? Why are you doing this? Is it because you simply do not see the need to talk to me at all? Not even the basic courtesy hi? Why? I really want to know. Please, talk to me.

Besides disappointment is this huge curiosity. I want to know how he thinks about it. No, I need to know, I desperately need to know.

I believe he is a nice guy. Then why? There must be something I am not seeing, something I do not understand. Person-I-once-knew, will you please read this post, will you please tell me why?

Not speaking

I miss him. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, he won't know because he does not come in here anymore.

Why am I missing him anyway? Perhaps it is more of a case of feeling upset that we aren't even talking. I believe LY would understand what I mean.

If we cannot be lovers, why can't we be friends or at least acquaintances on speaking terms? That hurts more than anything else and he probably don't know that fact, probably will never know, probably simply don't care and I don't exactly blame him.

I just cannot accept this.