Dread

Today I went to submit my particulars to the company I'd be working in the next month. 10 minutes into sitting in a meeting room and exchanging greetings with the HR lady, and I had this terrifying sensation of being trapped, of having sold my body and soul to this company for a month. I started feeling scared. I could imagine myself sitting at my desk, poring over piles of documents, matching the right ones together, staring at the computer screen typing in some figures and worst of all, returning to the office smelling like a food court.

It wasn't like the people were very bad. In fact, they sounded very nice. It was merely the thought of working in an office with regular hours, claustrophobic space, sitting at the desk for hours. It was the routine which scared me. As well as answering phone calls. A phone ring could send me into a frenzy from the fear of not knowing what to do. (How odd. Regularity and irregularity - they both scare me. Ah, the underlying reason is in the next sentence.) And the realization that this fear of not knowing what to do still exist, even though I thought I had long banished it to the depths of some black hole somewhere, just instills yet more fear and disappointment.

In short, I dread work before work starts. Not good.