Almost the lousiest day

It was almost the lousiest day today.

Because academics means a lot to me, because it is a big contributor to my self-esteem, because I have super high expectations of myself, because I am now in possession of a CAP of which I have never thought I would be at, I am now a very bruised person. I avoid talking as much as possible about grades and CAPs (especially mine - not because I'm one of those who hide my grades away, but because I am too embarrassed and tired to face all of this again) and the modules I'm taking this semester (because I have to repeat repeatedly to others which modules I'm taking and when they realize I'm taking 6 modules, I have to explain for the nth time that I have failed a module before), all of which are very very very demoralizing for me and I don't exactly wish to talk about it anymore. I've since taken to either missing out on mentioning a module I'm taking so that I can avoid going through the 6-module-conversation, or simply saying "No lah, I have to take 6 modules this semester" and leave it at that.

It's not their fault when people start asking about which modules I'm taking. Firstly, it's a basic conversation starter and secondly, basic curiosity. How would they know my mood anyway.

Side-track a bit. I usually am never interested in what modules others are taking unless asking is absolutely necessary to ease a question in my mind. Didn't quite see the point in asking, but nowadays I've realized that it serves more than these two functions. It's really also something like networking. You talk to them, take the same modules, get them on your side, you have a couple more friends to do stuff with in lectures/tutorials... Oh, utter rubbish. I couldn't be bothered with all these in the past few semesters. Then the older I got, the more tired I am in initiating conversations and starting everything on a clean slate with somebody new. It was simply easier to pick up where I left off with somebody I presently know.

Ok, coming back. It isn't people's fault when they start asking what modules I'm taking. I'm just a little tired of having to dish out the same reply over and over and going through that disappointment over and over again. If I could, I would avoid the topic unless I ask for information from somebody, then I'd volunteer my own information, in courtesy and respect of the other person.

So today I met 2 of my JC mates, SL and PY, for lunch. Was good to see them again. SL's friend, Janice, I think, joined us in a while because she happened to walk by. I came back to the table first so Janice and I struck up a conversation while waiting for the rest. Conversation drifted towards the event that she attended prior to lunch - a recruitment talk by some government bodies. She was telling me that they don't accept anybody below 2nd Upper Honours and conversation went along the lines of if-you-are-below-that-level-you-are-so-dead-and-you-have-no-future-anymore and how she's feeling the pressure to maintain her CAP, and which government body she wants to join... And all I could think of was "oh god, I'm a 3rd class, where does this leave me?" and "can this conversation stop please?" Very down, very sad, very heartache, felt very useless.

A filling lunch, but left with a very empty heart.

Constant reminders and encouragement by myself that things can still get better, that there are other things in life, that there is still time, that everything really is in the mind, that the self is one's own worst enemy. Yet when faced against reality and the achievements of others, every word and belief crumble. I cannot believe that I am looking at the accomplishments of others instead of concentrating on my own. Cannot believe that I'm comparing myself against others. Cannot believe that this is where I am.

Seeing,
the goal but not the steps.
Falling,
reaching out by instinct to grab.
There is only sand
and it slips through the fingers.
Scared.

Never found the need to look up. Too proud? Too blind? Too naive.

Now I think I can understand a little more how some feel in this position that I am in now. To hold that confidence I once had. To see others have chances delivered to their doorsteps when I have to source for them. To be down here, or rather, to have my eyes cleaned out, to see where I always was. Haha. I laugh at myself - all the positivism, negativism and the unimportance of all I've said.

Individualistic.
Egoistic.
Narcissistic.