Random note 1: Watch this - The Story of Stuff. Funny, engaging and informative. You'll never look at stuff in the same way again.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
You, you and you
I sense a complete cutoff next. Wait, there almost is one already. Why is it like this? I get the feeling that he really hates me and wants to cut me off completely. What did I do wrong? Did I do too much? Do things that seem more than friends? Or am I suppose to even not treat him as a friend? Ignore his existence? I can't do that, that much about myself I understand. Am I thinking too much about this whole thing?
Why is it that after knowing him my sense of existence just keeps diminishing? I feel this small, does anybody understand? I am afraid of myself. I don't trust myself anymore because I don't know what I'll do next. *scratch head* Does it make sense? I don't know if what I do is right or wrong, if I'll irritate him or anybody else. I think I need to blame somebody, but it's not his fault. I know it's entirely mine. Maybe I should thank him, because only now do I know that I can be this irritating and stupid as well as this unimportant. I'm blaming him, aren't I? Why can't I just let go? It just goes around in a circle. He's right, if we'd stayed on in that manner, who knows what I'd have done to him.
An ant, I feel like an ant. A small, black ant. Would you notice a single black ant?
Did I do this to myself or is it him? I think it's me. I erased myself bit by bit.
Does anybody understand? I erased myself. I told him something about this a long time ago, but can't remember what it is exactly. I told him to stand up for himself, I think. Is it something about others can don't-know-what-you-but-only-you-can-something. What did I tell him? Can he tell me what did I tell him? How ironic. It's as if I gave my identity away.
Do you know me? I am you, you and you. You define me, dictate what I should say, do and think. A little bit of everybody and everything. I erased myself, then I blended in. If you didn't look properly, you wouldn't notice me. I was never outstanding, I lied to myself and it was a nice illusion while it lasted. He was part of that illusion when I thought I stood out, had a personality. Time to go back to where I was. In the background.
You are The Empress Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation. The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful. The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.
Sounds scary. Good. Unlike her, I can't trust myself. I'm afraid of myself and what I'll do. Do you know me? Because I don't. (And it's not because of this card. *roll eyes*)
Anime version of Death Note looks good so far (only watched up to 8 episodes), if not for the fact that it is darn difficult to find the next few episodes subbed in English. Also if not for the same fact stated above, I'd have spent half the afternoon everyday watching it instead of lounging at my table or the sofa, trying to squeeze pages of information into my brain.
Was so stressed that I considered doing many crazy things. You don't want to hear about them, it's utter silliness anyway. Alright, it's almost 9am, time for breakfast and then back to mugging.
AJC alumni band is having a chalet/BBQ approximately a week after my exams and that's fine with me. I hope it turns out fine. Really greatly appreciate Joel for making the effort to do all the coordinating because it's a lot a lot of work. I'm just wondering whether I should stay overnight (IF there is) because of certain reasons at home.
And I'm blogging this because the name of the blog Joel set up for the alumni band is named "One band, One sound!" We use to shout that during erm, can't remember when. Haha. It felt good, though not as good as during XMSB time. And that line came from Drumline.
Another prospective fee-hike in NUS. Close-door forum somemore! This is utterly ridiculous. Feeling so disgusted, disappointed and angry. What kind of world-class university is this?? Does the administration know anything or not?! Plus some of the suggestions made are so ridiculous!
Singapore, LOOK at this! Students are being forced to conform, obey and accept things as they are! What kind of future generation do you all want to produce? Saying one thing and doing another! For goodness sake, open your eyes! Feeling so fucking suppressed and the government doesn't see things this way. They just continue suppressing us. NUS is really just a mini-Singapore in operation and it sucks really, really bad. I tell you, we are all just cogs in a machine. Regardless of whether you are a student or an adult, they manipulate you, squeeze whatever advantages out of you. In this case, they are trying to squeeze every single cent out of me. I'm not rich for goodness' sake! Most of us aren't! Why don't the university's administration see that? Why do they manipulate us like this? Why do they think that we can afford the increase in price? We are just invisible students, aren't we? Don't blame us when we say we don't feel a sense of belonging to the country or the school. You didn't give us a choice in the first place.
When did I become so pessimistic about life? Or is it a case of being down-to-earth? Sometimes what life teaches about us is so contradictory. An example:
Don't get your hopes too high up or you'll get disappointed really easily. Always have hope! It encourages you to live!
People keep saying that there will be someone out there for me and I keep looking at them and thinking that they are crazy because I don't believe that somebody is made or meant for us. Either you meet a person who is suitable, you profess your love, you get or don't get the person, or you don't meet anybody suitable at all. I don't understand why people will say that there is a person out there for each one of us. It's utter rubbish in my opinion. This doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all of you who showered me with comfort in this way when I needed it. I do appreciate all of your concern! =)
(I was discussing flimsy wardrobes with my father and he said that there's no need for such good wardrobes because in a few years I'll have to get married and move out and all that. It scared me, their frankness and expectations of me marrying. How do you tell them that you don't plan to marry? The current house will be given to my brother when he gets married and I know I have to save up to get my own place in the future, plus taking care of my parents. I mean it's fine if my parents live with my brother and his *ahem* future wife, but it'd be obtrusive for me to be there right? Damn, apartments are so darn expensive.)
Laugh at me. I think I hit a low in my life. * scratches head*
You know how people keep telling you that if you try hard enough at something, give it your best, you can achieve something really great? Or that each one of us is capable of achieving something really marvellous? Get a PhD, be a CEO, earn lots of money, stay in a luxurious place, own a car, earn your first million. I used to believe it. That if I worked hard enough I'd get whatever I want. But truth it sometimes however how hard you work you will still be stuck there. Some of us are just like that and I believe I happen to be one of those people. Unfortunately, years of socializing me into a competitive person who aims to give my best has made me unacceptable of failures. Ironically, I'm tired of being competitive and giving my best. Sometimes I feel utterly drained. I'm only 20, but I don't see what my life holds for me. There was a fellow student who said that she only wants to live until 40/50 years old, then she'll want to die. I asked her why and she said what's the use of living for so long. Now I understand that. I am not eager to enter the working world because I simply do not have the energy anymore to compete with anybody. Right now I only have to compete against myself and my mindset but look... Indeed the self is the worst enemy.
Why do some people rise so fast? Why are some people so smart? Why am I so slow in everything? Does the tortoise really win the race? Or does he get laughed at, like me?
Jenny asked why do I think so lowly of myself. She says next time when I look back I will find myself very funny to have thought this way. I think I understand what she means because sometimes when we look back at ourselves in the past, we wonder why we do and think in such silly manners.
But for now, sometimes sometimes, I want to sink into the ground and disappear, fall asleep and don't wake up. Other times I don't really think. I just stare blankly into my future, wondering what will happen. My dreams fell apart overnight. My sole aim of getting an honours seem so useless and pointless. I am only a cog in the machine of society, ultimately I'll get manipulated by others... Goodness, this is horrible. I cannot take failure, nor take the fact that others will manipulate me, especially when I don't try to resist and just submit. I need to resist and fight! But so much energy needed...
An empty canvas, waiting for the first stroke of the brush. The artist is free to paint what he/she wants, but even bringing the brush to the canvas is tiring.
Give me a little bit of encouragement.
For this semester's exams, so far I have 2 options. One, give up, get B for everything. Two, get A for the last two modules. I can't take failure. I choose the latter.
Don't know if it's just me but why is it that the students in my statistics module don't seem to want to share their queries in the forum but instead choose to email the lecturer directly? That seems kind of selfish, to direct questions at the lecturer and to want to get the answers themselves. Then again maybe I'm just reading too much into the whole thing. It's just that last semester's statistics forum was very fun.
I'm not quite sure if this is supposed to be worse than taking the physics paper because I can't remember a single proper thing about sociology when I'll be facing the paper in less than 24 hours. Plus my mind is very, very saturated. Made a very brave attempt at trying to study overnight but I seriously think I should stop doing that because it's a waste of mental energy deciding whether or not to sleep at 11.30 when I'm already nodding off. That energy should be put to proper use, like deciding which anime to start watching after my exams.
Argh! Functionalist theory, conflict theory, symbolic interactionism, feminist approach. Why got people so free, do this kind of things? And I do NOT understand how sociology can be an easy subject.
Star of the night: Champion swimming cockroach (who survived the many kicks one of us gave it to prevent it from coming out of the pool after it has finished its relaxing swim).
It demonstrated a variety of strokes, including breast-stroke, backstroke and even the amazing technique of floating on the back to appear being dead.
Just now I was asking my mother if she thinks my brother knows how to masturbate because at his age, I thought it'd be odd if he didn't know how to or if he didn't even feel the need to. (I got this idea because a lot of the guys around me are like that at my brother's age.)
My mother replied, Huh? Masturbating is a disease, an illness lehz!
I am really quite shocked. I never knew there are people who thought in this manner, much more in the form of my mother. If that's what she thinks, then is my opinion that masturbation is perfectly fine, wrong? Am I thwarted? Confused.
I bought Pocahontas CD for Olivia for her birthday, ended up I watched it. Machiam my birthday present like that. Next time should buy something that I really like for her birthday present.
Well, it's over, that dreaded physics paper. I thought the paper would have been relatively easy, if one had studied hard enough for it. Of course I would have scored relatively well for it too, if not for the fact that I made a huge careless mistake in Q1, did something wrong in Q2 that I don't know what, forgot one of the fundamental equation for question 3 leading me to leave the whole thing blank (darn, I KNEW how to do it) and basically hit upon a wall for question 5. So Part I leaves me with only 1Q fully finished and very sure of the answer. I forgot to mention that usually even the answers that I'm completely certain of never do quite turn out right.
For part II it was obvious which 2 questions I was going to attempt. I thought the first one was easy, just that it was extremely tedious and I spent a little too much time on that, but I'm satisfied. The first section of Q2 was alright because heh, I attempted a similar question at home. So HOPEFULLY the answer's correct, taking into account the rate at which I make careless mistakes. I happily finished that section of Q2 and then happily drew # to indicate my answer then I flipped over to the next page.
Orange page. 10 minutes to the end of the paper and I raised my hand for a second booklet. Feel/sound so good right? I used only 1 page of that second booklet and I think the whole thing's crap.
So I completed 2.5 questions out of 7 questions. What a great feat. Now on to other greater feats - conquering the sociology paper on monday and the need to cover 2 modules within 6 days.
(GEM should be alright, scored full marks for the last paper. =D As expected a lot of people scored around there too. It's all down to the essay and MIDI. Do I sound proud? =P That's because I am proud of this module.)
Less than 24 hours to first paper and I'm freaking nervous because I don't think I'll be able to perform in that environment. I know when I'm in that room I"ll start thinking of how all of them are in science faculty and all will do better than me and what the heck am I doing there, then I start to really blank out. You know how it feels like to be in a room where you don't feel like you belong? It feels like shit. I just pray I don't get a nervous breakdown inside and be able to at least process the questions properly. What am I doing online anyway, I should be sleeping.
I have 48 hours to my physics paper and I have decided to give up on it. So let's say I get a C for it, that'd be 2.00, 4.5 for my GEM, 4.00 for the other 3 papers, that'd be 3.7 for this semester. If I take into consideration my current CAP score, this semester's CAP should be around 3.75, which is still alright. On the other hand if I look at the extreme and say that I fail completely for physics (which would be a 0), my CAP would still be 3.55. Ok, so that's a drop of 0.25, but it still isn't too bad. I don't need a first class, remember. If I can even get to my 2nd upper it'd be a miracle already. Yeah, whatever. If I'm going to graduate with a 2nd class lower honours (if I'm going for honours at all), then what for score so close to 2nd class uppers and still can't get there. Ok, so should be fine, as long as I don't go below 3.50.
That day I told my mother that I'm sick of studying and suggested quitting. She said I ban tu er fei. Yar lor, so much money gone into my education and I want to give it all up. Just very tired of studying for exams. Everyday when I wake up I know that when I get through my education and go out to work, I will just be another person out there on the streets, in the train, on the bus. No matter how hard I work, I will be mediocre, there but barely there, good but not good enough to be noticed. Then I see others who hardly have to work but get there so easily and I wonder what is the use of it all. All my life I am seen as a possible potential, and that's just it. A possible potential.
My life goes too well for me. Because of that, I am incredibly weak. Decisions don't have to go through me before they are made, sometimes I don't even know decisions are being made. Sometimes I wish I am born a male because people seem to pay more attention males. People don't mind if they curse or are rough, but because I'm a female, I can't curse out loud. If I do, people think that I am odd, my parents scold me for cursing but not my brother. Maybe if I'm born a male I wouldn't be so weak, but that's crap, isn't it? Maybe if I'm born a male people will listen. That's rubbish. What do I say that is not rubbish? What do we say that doesn't not make sense? It'd be nice if I were a male and I don't have to shave my legs or anywhere else except my face. It'd be nice to be able to wear oversized clothes, any pair of jeans, any pair of shoes and just head out without people staring at you. It'd be nice to just stick to flats and slippers and sandals and proper shoes instead of stupid heels which I can't wear because it makes my knees hurt. It'd be nice to just have to have a few pairs of shoes instead of the need to have 2 pairs of slippers, 1 casual lousy sandals, 1 pair of not so lousy sandals, 1 pair of casual heels, 1 pair of formal heels, 1 pair of court shoes, 1 pair of running shoes, 1 pair of proper heels and a dozen pairs of sandals/shoes/heels-that-are-so-fashionable-right-now. It'd be nice if people don't stare at me and comment about my skin when they see me, then tell me how lousy it is and what I should do about it, ask me what I have done about it, what products I have used and me having to tell them the entire life story about my skin. It'd be nice to have my hair short and save on the amount of shampoo being used. It'd be nice if I were a male and be able to have sex without the fear of how society would look at you, plus there is no sign that you've lost your virginity!
Maybe if I'm a male my parents would let me go out at night. Ironically maybe if I'm a male, I'd learn how to cook. I want to, but I never do have the chance. Mum will probably laugh at me and then there's the fact that the maid around. I hate having maids around the house because I feel extremely odd. Plus the fact that I don't like anybody touching and packing the books on my table. I can find my things very well, thank you very much. And I like to vacuum the floor and hang the clothes. All I do around the house is wash the dishes, which is very boring.
Then again, should everything be about me me and me? What about others? Argh, education and self-reflection is depressing.
What's really irritating is the fact that this headache just won't go away and I keep sleeping because I can't do anything else. I think I slept more than 10 hours today. It's 10.20pm now, should I go sleep?
Last night couldn't take the headache anymore and went to sleep at 10.30pm.
7 am: Headache + menstrual cramps 2.30 pm: Still headache, no more cramps
Tell me how to study? My stupid head aches... And I kind of wish he were here to give me comfort. Yeah, right! Carry on dreaming, dearest! Stupid enough to take comfort in things that will never happen, in wishes that will never come true.
We're going to move house and my parents ask me what colour I want for my room. I didn't want something glaring, I wanted something nice and calm, so I chose "misty" or "chocolate". They said my element colour (from feng shui) is red, purple, orange etc. "I choose for you lah!" my mother said. I got fed-up. What is the point of them asking me when they already have a colour in mind? When have they actually considered my opinion? I have learnt that there is no need to suggest anything because there is no use.
I so want to move out and I'm waiting for the opportunity to.
Very long time ago, SH introduced this song on his blog and my sister loved it. So now that she knows about youtube, yes she is 8 years old, she typed in "chicken little" and out popped this video, titled "chicken little chinese version", which is ridiculous because this song was not meant for Chicken Little in the beginning. In any case it's a lovely song, high in energy. Wait, I think I have blogged about this before.... Oh well, just listen to it again then. =D
Wow. Nearly 2 weeks of not stepping out of my house and Hougang Mall has already been painted a grey, orange and red colour. The only reason I stepped out of the house today was because I ran out of red ink for my mindmaps so I had no choice but to head out to buy. While I was there, I thought I'd check out the chocolates. Alright, chocolate #3! So I was down at NTUC again, in that familiar aisle. Since we're not exactly in the best of financial status right now, I picked Delfi's Choco Mini, a small packet (like a cigarette packet) that costs $0.80.
It's addictive. Then again, I find almost all sweets addictive. Anyway it's chocolate coated and has a centre that I don't know how to describe. The centre's white in colour and if you suck it long enough, it becomes soft. On the box it says "assorted" but I don't really know why it's there because apart from the slightly varying sizes of the small chocolates in the box, everything tastes the same. Maybe they meant assorted colours and sizes...
If you are looking for something small and crunchy so that you can pop into your mouth easily, you can consider it. I think a lot of people have eaten Choco Mini before, but have you tried sunflower seeds coated in chocolate? Ok, I think a lot of people have tried that before also, but I don't know where can buy. I only know the shop below my house sells it for $0.80 and I only knew of the existence of it when my sister bought it once. =D I absolutely love it! It's very tiny, colourful and tastes nice because of the mix of sunflower seeds and chocolate. Very easy to finish though and in my opinion, a bit expensive for something like that.
Seeds reminds me of durian seeds. Have you all eaten durian seeds before? I have! No, I don't have metal teeth and I didn't lose any teeth. Try boiling those seeds and then, if I don't remember wrongly, peel off the outer skin and eat the inside. It's delicious! Can't remember what it tastes like, though. Hehz, haven't eaten some in a long while.
Actually I feel like trying the new flavours that kit-kat has, but it's darn expensive at $6 plus, although it's quite a long packet. And there's that minty chocolate as well.
------------------- Olivia's birthday is coming up and we have a BBQ this coming Saturday evening. Will have to get her something soon. Saturday's my first paper as well, so wish me luck!
------------------- If you all read the article on 4 out of 10 bursaries in NUS being given to foreign students, it'd be nice to know what you all thought about it. There are some parts in the article that I really, really do NOT like.
I wanted to study overnight last night, so for the first time in many years, I made myself a nice hot cup of coffee. The coffee was good, but I started to feel wrong inside. Within a while of drinking it, my stomach was starting to rumble. Reckoned there was nothing wrong and that it would soon pass. Caffeine didn't take effect until 1.5 hours later. I was awake and feeling out of sorts. I was really hungry and I was shaking really badly. At some point at 1.30am I couldn't take it anymore and cooked myself a bowl of instant noodles. While eating, my hands were trembling. I could see my spoon shaking when I was drinking the soup. After I finished the noodles, still didn't feel good, like want to puke, want to shit, stomach still out of sorts but wide awake. Think I went to sleep at 2am instead, lights and radio on.
The normal me wants to attribute it all to coffee, the experimental psychology student me doesn't think so, thinks there are too many confounds and wants to conduct an experiment. Go away, experiment-psychology-me, I don't want to drink coffee anymore.
This is really bad. Completely no motivation to study. Ok, never mind that upper 2nd class honours, I just want a B or B+. Make that a need.
Already slept for 4 - 5 hours this afternoon... THIS IS HORRIBLE! Last couple of days I really felt like quitting school. What is the point of studying so much, really. I just don't see the point in everything I do at all. Not studying, not living. The thing is apart from that little pimple at the top of my head I'm not exactly feeling nervous. Well, except when I'm looking at those physics questions.
I just need to maintain my CAP score! This suck. Stupid sociology.
Reached school at 7.26am for an 8am test. Ridiculous timing. Was fed-up when I got down at the bus stop and looked at the time because firstly, it was far too early to head down to the venue for the test and secondly, the bus ride wasn't marvellous. So I ended up walking from the bus stop outside UCC to YIH to use the toilet and then walk to Science...
I took the 6.30 am bus, it was empty and non-airconditioned, just the way I like it. A couple of stops down, this indian/malay man got up the bus and of all places, chose to sit beside me. Fine, I can't do anything about that, except the fact that the bus was really, really empty, and then some time later he fell asleep. The worst thing is he started to LEAN TOWARDS ME. I woke up immediately. Mind you, I was having a marvellous sleep and was already starting to dream, when I could feel that something was wrong. His head was already in front of my chest and I was leaning so far away from him I couldn't take it anymore. I poked him awake. From then on he tried to sleep sitting straight up and I couldn't sleep properly because every inch of my body was on alert mode. The moment his arm touched mine, I snapped awake. I think he's a bus driver whose shift starts at Kent Ridge Terminal because he was wearing that green shirt and when I got down he was still on the bus. Very irritated.
Let me just jump to the ride home. I chose to sit not at the usual seat(s) in the bus today but instead sat a seat behind the seat I sat early this morning. Lesson learnt, I shall sit at my usual seat where there is the wheel underneath me so that my legs are propped up higher than other seats because that is where odd people won't sit beside me. Anyway this family of 3 got up the bus and because I was taking the bus at 10 am, it was again very empty, and of all the heavenly places in the bus, they sat in front and beside me. For goodness sake, could they not sit like somewhere behind me or 2 seats in front of me? I felt like a magnet today. So the father and son sat in front of me and the mother sat beside me, despite the fact that in front of the father and son was another perfectly empty and eligible window seat. I really don't understand why they can't sit somewhere else in the very empty bus but must sit beside me. Unless I am transparent, or they choose to ignore my presence, which is very disturbing indeed, both ways. Plus that woman... forget it.
Anyway the test was good. Finished the paper with 0.5 hour to spare (the test is 1 hour), checked through it 1.5 times, redid the calculations (of bit rate, bit length, highest frequency recorded) 3 times, drank my water countless of times, rubbed my head once, put on my jacket, kissed my calculator, thought of going to the toilet... Ok, so I'm very proud and satisfied with my paper. Then again, everybody else was good as well. This is Science of Music module and a large percentage of those taking this module have some music background or are from science, or is a mixture of both. I'd be lucky if I got an A for this module, because it would mean that my essay and MIDI were very good. I doubt the first, there's a significant probability for the latter. I hope.
Oh yar, Bush is in NUS today. Darn, I thought I'd be able to catch a glimpse of the extremely tight security, though with my cock-eyedness, more likely I wouldn't notice anything. Oh well, no loss. I see him enough on TV. Sometimes.
Extremely nervous. This small bit at the top of my head itches from time to time and now it hurts to press it but it still itches. Last semester I could feel every one of my teeth and felt that my molars were loose.
If I could, I want to turn back time. I am really sorry for all that I have done towards him. Really really sorry... Feels like I want to die, so badly.
Breathe. Just a few more thousand seconds to the end of today. It'd be good if I didn't exist...
I miss him. Too many "sorrys". I hate myself, I hate him, I want him, I need him, I want to die.
Sometimes I don't know how I have held out this long. This heartbreak is excruciating. I don't want to think of anything else, my whole mind is focused on eating, sleeping and breathing, taking one day at a time, taking every second as it comes and aim to live through it. Just a few more thousand seconds to go...
Woke up at an amazing 6 plus but skipped lecture today. Actually yesterday I skipped lecture also. Wait a minute, last monday I also skipped lecture. Tomorrow no lecture, Thursday one lecture, Friday go to school only for TEST.
Help, I'm behind in my revision!
The only reason this picture is here because this is one of the picture which was taken off the social psychology powerpoint presentation. Yes, one of my pictures. Extremely blur though. Coincidentally the lectures I skipped are mostly this module's lectures.
Sometimes I really envy him. Maybe not only him, maybe everybody else. Sometimes I wish I can have somebody to eat with every time I'm in school. Sometimes I wish I need not sit alone in lectures. Sometimes I wish I was back in AJ where we were still divided into classes and my friends were from that class and a couple more from other classes. Why do I feel cold in NUS, when I can see smiling faces around me?
My favourite timings of the day are when
1) I'm at home, no need to go to school 2) I'm in physics tutorial when I can talk to this girl in my group 3) I see my cousins in school 4) I see my friends in school
I hate lunch times except for Wednesday and alternate Mondays or Tuesdays.
---------------------- I can't explain how I feel. I'm never going to see him again, am I?
It's horrible, being that person. I really wonder. Does he still remember me at all? Am probably just a thing of the past... as with all other things. Sigh. *shrug* What's new in this world? Another magician, another disappearing act, another apprentice. I deserved it.
An earwig was spinning a web directly in front of the sink. Its single thread of web is so thin I could hardly see it. Fascinated, I stood there for about a minute, watching it do its stuff. Rather, watching it watching me and waiting for me to leave so that it could do its stuff. Then I woke my mother up to tell her there is an earwig spinning a web in front of the sink.
"You picked the wrong place to spin a web," I told it sorrowfully before my mother whacked the little thing with her slipper.
Meanwhile my sister was kneeling on the bed with her head on the bed, sleeping. She looks like a frog in that position. I guess it's all for the better. There might have been the probability of the frog eating the earwig.
It was last night when a friend of mine told me something I found disconcerting. It isn't anything major, but it bugged me. Why? Because I see how everybody tends to think the same way, say the same things, draw general conclusions. When have we ever truly listened to a person without imposing our own ideas on them? Do you see others as only belonging to a certain category, that they are those people? If a girl flits from a guy to another, do you say that she is a flirt, or do you think that there might be something else underneath? Do you bother to find out why she does that, or do you simply put her in the category of "flirts"? Do you truly listen to your friends, or do you find their problems a bother? This matter bugged me and prompted me to blog the following.
So many things remind me of him and the past. Never realized how much of the things in my life I associated it with him.
I can't tell if I miss him or the memories. Seemed as if it's too long since we last met, when it has only been three weeks or so.
I'm gradually healing. I know because I can feel it. But healing does not mean that I don't care for him. Maybe in a different way.
Always a maybe, never a certainty.
Friends tell me things like forget him, he's not worth it, he's not your type, he's just an ordinary person. To me he is not and nobody will understand how I feel towards and about him unless you are me. Don't tell me what to think or do because it all doesn't matter. Sometimes we don't need a directive hand down a certain path. Sometimes all we need is a few uncertainties, a little bit of reasoning, a patient listening ear, no drawing of general conclusions, listening to the heart and the mind at the same time, not letting others impose on you their ideas and ultimately letting nature take its own course.
Because not everybody fits into a category. Every person who has left or rejected a person is an individual and the person always have their own reasons for doing what he/she did, whether or not we know or understand.
Maybe all we need to do is to understand those who are hurt. Understand not with your ears and mind but with your heart. I find that the most effective way of listening to somebody spilling their problems.
Has it occured to you that sometimes when we listen to others talk about their problems and we do not bother to listen with our hearts, we have just hurt them, added on to their problems? The opinions and judgements that we offer or hand out, we think are helping them but in fact provides no help at all.
Goal: to break highest record of 40 unique hits in a day by visiting my blog myself. 5 unique hits by myself this morning.
KNN, no time to press ctrl+R, although got time to blog and read comments and comment on others' blogs. Eh, click Refresh or type my own URL very boring you know! Anyway I don't really have time to blog also. So I type the keywords here, you all figure out yourself.
White pigeon; forest man; motion sickness on bridge.
Did you all read the papers today about a 17 year old boy charged for tapping onto somebody else's wireless internet access? It's completely ridiculous! I was quite enraged when I read it. Look, if that person don't want others to tap onto his/her own internet, then for goodness' sake lock it with a password! Tapping on other's wireless internet is very common, though it is against the law. It won't be easy trying to stop everybody from doing so, especially when almost every other person on the street has done it before. In my opinion, the best way to stop this from happening is to set a bloody password on your wireless so that nobody else can access it except you. Not having a password is tantamount to having your house door wide open when you leave the house, or when you do not leave the house, for that matter. Furthermore, at least for a house you have neighbours who can look out for you and if a person steal anything, he will leave some evidence behind. For internet however, except for knowing when the person is using it, I don't think you can tell who accessed it when the person has left nor who or where the person is accessing it from when he is accessing it. Correct me if I'm wrong.
You are right if you say that even if the door is open a person should not enter the house either, but you are talking about not entering a house in a society where entering a person's house is common, or widely accepted as a norm. What I mean is if you stop a person on the street and ask if you think it is ok to use another person's wireless, there is a high probability that the person will say it's ok to use for a while, or even that it's ok to use because it's just there and that others use it as well. The presence of a law makes no difference unless you can change the mindset/set of norms that the ordinary citizen holds. I am not saying that social norms are always right, in fact sometimes they are horribly wrong. But what matters is not whether it is right or not, but whether everybody else views it as right or wrong. This is what is social norm. I just think that boy is unlucky. Of all people of all ages who taps onto the wireless of others at so many different times, his neighbour chose to report him.
So if you don't want others to use your wireless without your permission, more importantly don't want them to be using your wireless for illegal things, please for goodness' sake, SET A FUCKING PASSWORD!
1) People seem to be getting dumber 2) The law seems to be getting dumber
Hopefully after exams my father can bring us down to (one of?) the air weapons range at SAFRA or something. My brother and I really want to try shooting.
Maybe they should close the place down when I'm shooting. For safety reasons.
I wonder if he will bring it tomorrow, or if we'd have to make a trip down to his house just to take a look, or if we have to come back next semester and stand around in the LT, just to take a look at how he connects the keyboard to the computer etc.
The LT for this module is really empty nowadays at 8am, barely half-filled. A rarity, I'd bet, for a module so hot it called for a minimum of 600 - 800 points in the past few semesters and 400 points this semester. It's the timing. I think I'm lucky to have gotten it at only 400 points, though looking at the number of people who actually attend lectures, bid points could have been lower.
I like eating Nespray milk powder, or Nestle powdered milo. Yes, with spoon and without water. If you can't decide what to get me for christmas (if you are even considering it), you could get me a small tin of Nestle milk powder.
Pardon me ok? This post is a bit... explicit. Please do just skip this post if you think it might offend you. I think I have had more explicit posts before, but this just feels kind of odd. Here it goes:
For an hour on the bus today I daydreamed about... sucking his cock, kissing him, having his hands all over me.
Alright I think this post just might be a little too explicit.
1pm: I saw him at Central Libary, or I thought I did. At that moment my spirits rose. But when I walked past the same place, I couldn't find him against amongst so many people. I wonder if I will ever see him again, or if I will ever have a meal with him again. But to have thought to have seen him is enough for me, whether I really did see him or not, it is enough.
4pm: Multicollinearity, moderation and mediation put me in high spirits 20 minutes into statistics lab. I feel genuinely happy, like life is fine. Haven't felt like this in a long time.
For goodness sake, homosexual relationships are not "easier" relationships. They go through the same ups and downs that are found in a heterosexual one. Where the heck did this misconception come from? Perhaps because we think that females should understand females better and males should understand males better. I don't know, I think it is true but it does not mean that it is an "easier" relationship! All relationships need the effort of both parties to maintain it. If one partner does not put in effort, the relationship is bound to fail, no matter if it is a same-sex or opposite-sex relationship. I have seen friends in same-sex relationships and who suffer like hell. They go through the same heartaches when they break-up. Yes, relationships are just as complicated everywhere.
I'm just kidding! Not going to get anywhere with this. Anyway...
Been seeing a lot of birds lately. There are those white migratory birds in NUS (and the river opposite my house), pigeons and mynahs. Odd how the sparrows seemed to have gone into hiding, or maybe they are so small they are camouflaged.
That day I was walking below a HDB flat quite late at night and I noticed this nice, plump pigeon standing on one of the steps leading upwards. It seemed weird that it was there, so I walked past it, then I turned back, poked my head behind the wall and watched it. It didn't fly away, just cocked it's head and seemed a little flustered, but it still stood rooted to the spot. After a bit of head-popping with the pigeon, I squatted down in front of it and looked at it carefully, wondering if it was injured or something. Hmm, doesn't seem like there's anything wrong. Wings nicely folded, legs balanced... So I looked underneath it. Remember that it was standing. I thought I saw a wet pile of stuff underneath it and wondered if it was busy shitting. Perhaps it was experiencing constipation and would it like to shit in peace? Felt kind of embarrassed after that for intruding into its toilet privacy. But the pile looks a bit red, is it having it's period? Do birds have periods? I'm curious and want to know, DO BIRDS HAVE PERIODS? Does anybody know the answer? I was already standing quite close to it but it still didn't fly away so I shrugged and went on my way. I didn't know how to help it anyway, if it needed help. No medicine for constipation with me and if it's having its period and experiencing cramps, I don't know what to do either, despite the fact that I'm a female. I don't usually experience serious cramps. Can you imagine me massaging a pigeon's abdomen, wherever it is, in the middle of nowhere? Alright I'm just kidding!
And CATS! Yes, cats! So many pretty cats everywhere. There was this white, young one with beautiful fur who once brought it's litter of don't-know-how-many kittens to this area near my uncle/grandmother's house. It stayed for a few days and then moved. Did you know that cats move 7 times after they give birth?
There is also this short stretch road near my house where kittens seem to get born frequently. There are always a few running across the road and our paths. I have seen a couple grow up into young adults (no, not humans), and the rest... I don't know where they went. There is this really old, grey cat near my house. It's a stray, but somehow it seems to have taken the malays in house it usually hangs out at as its owners. It's extremely tame, would sit in the middle of our pathway and not budge and we'd have to walk our way around it. I guess because it is old so it has experience and is not afraid of us. It's darn smart as well. If you stamped your feet at it, it wouldn't even blink an eye. Probably just look at you and make you feel guitly for stamping your foot at it. Before you know it, you'd find yourself apologizing to a cat, complete with bowing at the waist.
There was once I was walking on that pathway and it came toward me. We were both trying to avoid each other, so I stepped to my left and coincidentally it stepped to my left as well, so I stepped to the right instead and it seemed to be thinking the same thing because it stepped to the right at the same time. Ended up standing in front of each other, both wondering which way to go. It then decided to bound way off to my left onto the grass and walked past me. =D
Just yesterday I saw it jump down from the window of the malay family (ground floor) and at another time saw it sleeping on top of the TV set. I actually respect that cat more than I do some humans.
I think that he has a personality which resembles a cat. He reminds me of one.
Thank you, Jenny. (That's both a sincere thank and a sarcastic one. Hehz.) The answer to your question? I don't know because I don't want to think about it. Maybe yes.
Looks like all the posts for today, only I understand.
Goal: to break highest record of 40 unique hits in a day by visiting my blog myself. 6 unique hits by myself today. Am I going to ever hit 40 again?! No, I don't mean it in age.
There is a girl in my psychology group who is pregnant. Last week she gave birth. How did we know? Because she came to class with a much flatter stomach. I thought I didn't see her in one of the psychology lectures prior to that. She must have been still in hospital then. Hmm, considering the amount of time between her giving birth and me next seeing her, she should have been in confinement or resting. Why did she come for lessons?
1) No such thing as confinement among the young generation now 2) She feels bored staying at home/hospital 3) There is a pscyhology project presentation on that day (she's in my class and this reason is the most valid).
Now then I realize I've been watching her stomach grow for the 3 past months. The first time I saw her I was wondering if she was just fat. It was a few weeks later that I realized she was pregnant and now that I think back, her stomach had really grown obviously bigger during this period of time. As I watched her on the day of our tutorial, I wondered how much pain she must have endured to give birth. I wondered if she went for natural birth or ceaserian. I wondered what has she learnt, gained or lost during this period of time. What about after this? What is she doing now? Is she nursing her child? Who is the father? What happened to him? Are they together? What about her family? How was she like in the past and how is she like now? How different? How similar? Does she talk to the baby when it was still inside her? Is she happy that now she can try to fit into her old clothes? So many questions.
When I first pointed out to my friend who sits besides me during lectures that the girl is pregnant, he commented that she's silly. I thought she was brave because she chose to keep the baby and still came to school. Can you imagine all the stares you have to endure everyday when you walk around, travel on transport?
Then LY and I had a discussion as well on what we would do if we were her. She said that she would abort, I said I wouldn't. A lot of disagreements, but we both agreed that it's best if we just don't land ourselves in that situation.
The moral of the story? Practice safe sex. But how safe can safe be?
JY is my role-model. The questions I posed her today are really those that I pose to myself but can't find the answer to, or perhaps I do know the answer but that I need people to tell me, to say it out. I need an "ideal answer" that I can look to, something to know whether or not I am right or wrong, what I should do and where I stand. My cousin's ability to use her head in things makes her a great role model for me because I am one who is very emotional.
----------------------- It was a name, twice. It was tears threatening to fall. It was hurt without the pain. Conditioned, but at peace. Can you imagine the intense jealousy? The constant ache? Knowing that it is so near, yet so far.
It is very easy to move me and also very easy to hurt me. It is very easy to play with me because I trust very easily. If you know how, you can use me for your means, then when you are done, you can throw me aside. If you are cold-hearted enough, my cries wouldn't harm you and the pain that you inflict would only be found on me.
It is the memories that bear the sweetness and the hurt. It was once physical but now something in the distance, or maybe not. It is everything at the same time. It is falling down, falling in, falling for.
It is a complicated business.
"We were once freer."
When I was 18, I lived in a bubble. When I was 19, I forgot what it meant. When I am 20, I am a kite - always free, but always bonded.
I am done with my MIDI! =D The first person I thought of sharing it with was him, but I don't think he would be very interested in it so I didn't send anything. The MIDI sounded pretty good, though I got really sick of listening to it over and over again. That's 8 hours of work put into a 34 second music. Exhausted, but quite fulfilling. Got a bit sick of fitting notes in and transferring parts to different instruments, especially when the software doesn't make it easy for me. Many thanks to my friend to whom I kept on sending draft copies of it to for his comments.
Left with one major report and it's preparation for examinations at full speed.
You know sometimes when you are just thinking about things? It ain't so bad for me now. I can actually see colours in my life. It's just that I miss the times I spent with him. The memories one can't erase.
Normal eraser cannot erase, ink eraser will leave a hole and liquid paper will affect the texture of the colour that you next put on. I never quite figured out what the blue coarse-like-sandpaper eraser for removing pen markings was made of. Not that I know exactly what normal erasers are either, I suppose.
Unique hits to my blog is reaching an all-time low everyday. Darn. Camera also died on me. Plus I have no inspiration for blogging, unless you all want to hear about how I brush my teeth or shit everyday. I don't think writing about how the shit emerges from the asshole is very interesting though, nor telling you all that I brush one section of my teeth 8 times before moving on the next, exhilarating.
Oh but I saw a hyperactive dog walk a woman in pyjamas this morning.
Interesting decision: I won't ever have sex, ever. Now it's just a matter of carrying out the decision.
You see, men don't get it. Online I'm this nice lady/girl who turns on some guys, so they decide that they want to meet me (and ahem). Ok, let's put this down to one guy. But I know what would happen when he sees me, so I told him straight that he really wouldn't want to meet me (or fuck me) because well, I am really quite a turn-off and not a very fuckable person. But no, he doesn't believe me. If you're good nude, then you can't look that bad, he says. I really want to smack him. Look, I know some parts of me look good but that is from AFAR and there are many sections of me that DON'T look good. Does he want me to tell him the details and turn him off so much he needs to go puke? I think he has fucked too many girls who are nice everywhere and thinks I'm one of them.
Trust me, I know how I look like and there's a reason why no guy has ever approached me out of nowhere in real life to talk to me if he isn't in any of my classes or we're working on a project together. I'm one of those girls who can get along with guys alright, can take dirty jokes, but not one he would consider as a potential girlfriend. C'mon, I've had guys who said they almost forgot I'm female (don't know if that's a compliment or not). AND, I don't think anybody would enjoy having sex with me, really.
And I won't ever have sex, ever, at least until only-I-know-when. So I should stop talking dirty to any guys. Darn, this is a habit I've had since I was in secondary school or something. So yeah.
Out. Goal: to break highest record of 40 unique hits in a day by visiting my blog myself. 7 unique hits by myself today.
When there was no prior knowledge of the distribution curve being used on grades
In primary school: Don't need to compare! As long as you have done your best!
In secondary school: Don't need to compare! As long as you have done your best!
At O-levels: Don't need to compare! As long as you have done your best!
With knowledge of the distribution curve being used on grades
After A-levels math paper, on the way home: So how did you find the paper? You leh, you leh? Easy ah? Huh, so many don't know ah? Die, I got a few questions don't know how to do. Careless mistakes somemore. Plus got smartass people from RJC, VJC, NJC... Sure on the left of the distribution curve.
Asking brother after his tests: So how was the test? What did your friends say?
Asking brother/cousin after getting back results: So how did you do? What about your friends?
Asking brother after chinese A-level paper today: So how was the paper? What did your friends say?
After receiving psychology statistics results, lecturer: The median of this test is ___, mean is ___, SD is ___. Since the mean and median are (almost) the same, this is a very good test.
I am very happy today and I can think of several reasons why as well as come up with reasons for explaining the reasons which explains why I'm feeling happy today.
Preparation for examinations and exams itself until 6th December. In the meantime, expect either a sudden lack of entries or a sudden barrage of it containing vulgarities.
Sociology I feel very pissed and lousy that a person who spent a few hours on a paper and crapped away, scored higher than me who spent 2 f**king days on that same paper, planning, thinking and flipping through the textbook until the few pages I keep looking at are lan. Maybe I shouldn't have thought so hard. Sometimes those that I don't put effort in are those that I score well in.
The one assignment I spent an hour on I scored a B+ while the rest I spent much more than an hour on I scored only a B or B-. The one my group wrote but which I didn't find much effort was put in pulled in an A grade. The paper for which I put in a lot of effort got me an A-, and that guy beside me in class who was also in the same group as me and who is from engineering got an A for something he said he had crapped. Sure, I still got an A, right? No. If I'm not wrong, almost every other person in the LT or in the course got an A for this paper. I feel as if all my efforts have gone down the drain.
Do you know it is very demoralizing? For an Arts student to not be able to write an essay properly, to be won over by an engineering student. I know I probably shouldn't say this, and that whether or not a person is able to write an essay well is independent of what course the person in, but I really feel as I am robbed of my dignity as a student in FASS.
Psychology ...Why am I in here...? Because I made this choice.
I shouldn't even be in NUS. Something must have gone wrong somewhere.
I think I will be very lucky if I get through life having achieved anything at all. Protestant Work Ethic. Just another person made to go down this route... How ironic. I think I should just graduate after 3 years. Just past 20 and I'm already tired. My prime was in my secondary school days.
Okay, I think I'm really weak but I really don't have the energy. Why can't I concentrate on anything anymore! I can't look at anything for 5 seconds without my mind drifting off to something else. It's darn irritating. And I can't go home because I think it is raining outside.
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