Random note 1: Watch this - The Story of Stuff. Funny, engaging and informative. You'll never look at stuff in the same way again.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Withdrawal
Today is tiring. Today is also a scary day. Perhaps I should put it more clearly. Last night was a scary night. I have asked my mother before what if I don't want to study anymore. She said very calmly that it is my choice. So last night I made my choice.
I searched NUS website and found the relevant form and downloaded it. Then I read whatever I could of what to do. It is a very tricky matter, this thing, because of the problem with school fees. Do I have to pay the full semester or up to what I have studied or do I not need to pay at all? Apparently it says that after the 2nd week of University, I'm liable to pay fees for the whole of the semester. There are other problems like my tuition fee loan and I'm still not sure what to do with it. I thought that the school will probably inform the bank or something. Maybe I'd better head down to the bank to clarify.
So last night I printed out the form (my family just got a printer - what a waste, since I won't be using it anymore) and filled out what was necessary. I recorded the location of FASS's Dean's Office in my phone. I tucked the form into my file, put it into my bag along with my jacket, pencil case, wallet and (haha) NUSSU diary. I double-checked that my matriculation card was in my wallet because I was to hand it in together with my form. I know I will miss my matriculation card. My ez-link isn't a problem, that is to be dealt with at the TransitLink office. Life's going to be difficult without concession. Then I went to sleep.
Today there was supposed to be a lecture at 12pm but I missed that. What is the point? I took the bus at about 3pm. I knew I still had time on the bus to change my mind but I fell asleep on the bus anyway. Bus rides always makes me drowsy. I reached school at 4+ and knew I had to hurry, I didn't know if office closes at 5 or 5.30pm. I headed straight to AS7 via the computer lab and took the lift to the 5th level. Uncertainty. Who would I meet? It was a lady there. I told her my motive, dug out my form and removed my card then handed it to her. She told me I would receive the confirmation letter in about 3 weeks. She asked me some questions, mainly to make sure that I know I have to pay the fees and I asked her some of my own questions. I realize I don't really remember her answers now because I was far too nervous then. When it was done, I took the bus home from Kent Ridge Terminal. Everything is in order and now there is only one problem left.
I never printed out the form, never filled it up and never went to the Dean's Office. Gotcha.
1) Never, ever take 151e because it took me the same amount of time travelling from school to home during peak hour (the only time it is available) and cost me $2.30 (I didn't know they don't accept concession);
2) Reaching the interchange at 2.40pm, planning to take the 2.45pm bus does not mean that there is a 2.45pm bus;
SH is selling some stuff here. Personally, I only like the mug I guess (although the image isn't very appetizing =D), and that "Exam in Progress" shirt is very innovative. Ok, fine, I think they're all nice in a way. Anyway you can take a look at the Department's Store. Who knows, you might spot something that interests you! Think you can even request for some images that appeared on his blog to be printed on the shirt as well so you might want to look at the images there. Yes, if you want my opinion, I think he does the images very well.
Ok, I know I eat very cheapo chocolates, but people no money! So bear with me. Chocolate number 4 is Meiji's Macadamia. The thing about Macadamia is that it's not about its chocolate but more of the nuts. In fact, macadamia is the name of a nut. The nuts are delicious, crunchy but not too hard to bite into and very smooth. MZ might like these nuts. This particular one came in a box of 12, each in its own hole and costs only $2.75. Really nice and quite addictive.
Not sure if I showed this video before, but it's hilarious. It's Miss Swan. This particular one is of Miss Swan on the plane. There are lots of others, just type "Miss Swan" in youtube and you should get an entire list. Enjoy! =)
Was talking to JY just now when she asked if I'd feel inferior. I jumped at that word immediately because that was what exactly described how I felt. Inferior. Then when you feel inferior, you feel depressed. Don't want to talk about being depressed. I feel perfectly fine now and because another of my goal is to enjoy every second that I feel normal, I am doing that. It feels really good to be normal. Don't know if any of you understand what I'm saying, the marvel of being normal and ordinary and feeling like life has a meaning. Not that I'd know what is the meaning of life, but feeling that as if life is rich and... I'll just put it as "not constantly wanting to die and vanish". Any time you don't think of dying and not feeling depressed/upset is good. You should be happy if you aren't upset or depressed and feel that there is always so much you can do. In the past, to me it is these little bits of freedom between extremely long (when I say long, I mean really long) periods of depression that I really treasure and really yearn. Now I experience normality more than being upset and I do what all of us do - take it for granted. Being normal is a good thing, being happy is a great thing. Often we don't know how great they are until you've lost them and the taste of it tempts you again that you know you really want it back. Never underestimate feelings of happiness and self-worth.
I use the word "depressed" because it isn't only being upset. It's a whole lot of stuff combined together and I couldn't find a better word for it.
I have internet addiction. MZ says I cannot come online for more than 15 minutes tonight and because a child must always listen to her mother, I have 4 more minutes left. Can't blog tonight. =( Wait, I just did.
Yar, enjoy your night everybody! Sweet dreams! Sleep tight!
In view of marriages popping up here and there as well as YZ's entry, I think this is a good time to remind all my friends the following (although I've been going around asking them when they are doing so):
Please don't forget to tell me when you all get married. (But don't expect too big an ang pow. =P Just kidding, just kidding!)
yanwei says: nsf-national slave fulltime, derived of contact with a large group of gals, mostly desperate.. and no time yanwei: how appealing is that.. yanwei says: yucks. that's what most of my female friends tell me yanwei says: haha, that's why you are weird......
Stephanie says: ... Stephanie says: but all nicely tanned and toned and botak! Stephanie says: i like!
Actually I like them in their uniform. Very much. Sigh.
Ming Zhu, Baoling, friend and I were talking today when the topic turned to marriage.
"Marry after 26," they say. Apparently it's supposed to be better for us or something because it seems like a lot of their friends went to have their fortune told and they were told to marry after that age. MZ doesn't want to marry after 26, she wants to marry before that. "In 2 to 3 years," she told us. As for BL, her boyfriend has already asked her to marry him, asking her when will she be willing to marry him. She told us she has no plans to get married yet. Seriously, I am very shocked when we were talking about marriage because it seems so far away. I still seem like a kid and my friends are getting married in a few years - that thought is unfathomable. I can't imagine them walking down the aisle in a wedding gown, introducing their boyfriends as their husbands and having a kid. It all seems so old... it's in the realm called "for the adults". We're not that old yet. There are so much to do, so much to see! We're so young and they're thinking of marriage, thinking of buying a flat, thinking of the wedding dinner (or buffet), thinking of house furniture. I have never even had a boyfriend and they are going to get married! When I think of going to my friend's wedding dinner or ceremony or whatever, I wanted to cry and I almost did. Not sure why either, I just felt happy and sad and amazed and surprised all at the same time.
On a side note, I cannot imagine myself getting married. Just cannot imagine. Goodness, I don't even envision myself being attached! This is so crazy! I'm too young, man. Need to grow up faster. No, no, scratch that. No need to grow up so fast. I like being young.
Hui Yee's 21st birthday celebration at Aranda Country Club.
I was on bus 58 and it drove pass this fenced area which had a huge pile of sand inside. The sand looked smooth and it reminded me terribly of a desert. I wondered how it would feel to slide down that mountain of sand. It was all uncovered though and I wondered what would happen when it rained.
When I reached Pasir Ris interchange, I almost got an orgasm there and then. There was a whole bunch of army guys standing right where I alighted!! In their uniforms and everything! Haha, I had to stop myself from grinning and staring at them. It was such a treat! Not one soldier, not two, but a WHOLE FREAKING GROUP!! Haha, sorry, I'm very excited even thinking of it. =D Then right, then right, later on got one of them run past me! Haha, I like! Drools... Haha... Ok, this is so crazy. Back to the Country Club...
First time I played "asshole dai-dee". Darn fun! Ended up being the asshole twice, prostitute once, commoner twice, queen once, king once.
Everything was alright until the photo-taking session when somebody popped the party popper without warning, right beside MZ and extremely near me. The contents kind of floated into my vision for a bit and I thought he had popped it beside my eye or something. They popped it not once, not twice, but thrice.
MZ sent me a video through email. It's subject says "Don't fart in front of an infra-red camera". Don't know how true this video is or under what circumstances it was made, but if it's real, it's damn funny! Enjoy!
I just got my Citibank Platinum VISA card last night. It's a supplementary card. I'm not rich, my parents are not rich, the card's just for decorative purposes.
I love school so much that I only reached home at 10pm today.
As if! This evening attended Exxonmobil's Campus Concert again. This time round it's GENUS (NUS's Guitar Ensemble). If all you know about guitar is strumming and then singing a tune with it, you probably know very little about it - like me. The guitars were amazing! Never thought a guitar ensemble could sound so... sweet, pretty, tingling, exquisite, tiny, huge, loud... The only time before I heard a guitar ensemble was in AJ I think, and I don't exactly remember them.
This man sat beside me in the concert. I was wondering if he'd start talking to me because he has that aura around him that whispers "I am a very vocal person and I will talk to you". True enough, he started talking to me, a little chat before the concert starts. I'm not very good at small talk, but he told me that he used to teach at SMU (he was a professor/lecturer) but don't anymore because it's very tiring, the class too large. He also said that he's there to watch because his son is in the ensemble and was the ex-president of it. So everytime he plays, they'll make an effort to attend his concerts. I thought that was really sweet .
By the way, GENUS is made up of mainly alumni members and have only 3 undergraduates. They're also having their annual concert sometime in March and tickets cost only $9 or $11. There's also a 20% early bird discount if you get a ticket before 31st January. You might want to keep a lookout for it. Can't remember the date, sorry. Interested maybe can just tell me? I'll check it out for you.
So if you haven't heard a guitar ensemble before, you might want to give it a shot!
Olivia has this inherited condition called Alpha Thalassaemia minor. The thing about gene mutation and heritability is that it is not only restricted to one child (50% of the children of a couple would get it - think of 4 children, split 2-2, 2 have, 2 don't have), so that means that either my brother or I is a carrier of it, or we're both extremely lucky and my sister is the only one. But because I have no idea whether which of my parents is a carrier of it, or whether both are carriers (that'd be unlucky), I can't predict if one of us is a Alpha Thalassaemia major carrier. However, because both of us are alive and kicking, I don't think either of us has it.
If you're interested, the diagram would pretty much explain what I meant. This diagram illustrates the probability of a child inheriting the condition if only one parent has it:
This diagram illustrates the probability of inheriting the condition if both parents are carriers:
Unfortunately, this means we'd be going for a blood test next Saturday.
This is precisely what you would see if you got two identical twins to stand in it and then you look into the room through a slit with one eye. Yes, the above is real and there was no photoshopping done. What happens is that the room is constructed in this way: Basically, the actual room itself is built in the shape above so that the corner where the "smaller" twin is standing is actually further than where the "larger" twin is. The tiles on the floor are also in actual fact specially shaped. The clock would also be actually much larger than it seemed to you. The whole thing is actually a play on light, perception and the brain's cognition. We bring the idea of depth and distance from real life into what we see. Like we see that the clock is of appropriate size to the person and we relate it to the distance that it looks to us and it seems reasonable. The floor tiles look proper too and not lopsided, so we assume that the room is normal. Amazing, right?
Here's another one called the Checkershadow Illusion: Look at the squares labelled A and B. Are the squares really of a different shade?
Now look carefully. The squares are actually of the same colour. Those who paint/shades regularly would know that this is one trick in Art. What really happens is that firstly the checker patterns causes us to expect that B would naturally be lighter than A. The second reason has to do with the colours being in the shadow and in the light, but I'm not quite sure how to explain it. The amazing thing is that even though now you know that the two shades are really the same, the brain is already so... conditioned, that even if you look at the first picture again, you would still see the 2 colours as being distinctly different.
Let's say maybe you feel a bit tired from all the studying at school. Or that your mouth aches from asking your tutor too many questions. Or maybe you're exhausted after navigating around school trying to find the right seminar rooms or classrooms. So lunch comes.
Sitting down in a comfy chair in an air-conditioned room sounds good, hearing some music sounds good too. Yes, Exxonmobil organizes some marvellous concerts, but they're in the evening and you have maybe a couple of hours to spare in the afternoon and you don't exactly feel like staying late. How?
Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music (YST) has this free Noon Recital Series every Monday at YST Concert Hall where its students perform a couple of pieces. If you're an NUS student and you're into classical music/performing arts, you can check it out. They also have some other Student Recitals in the evenings on other days for when you feel like you need to get in touch with your artistic/musical side or... hehz, get a little nap for those who tend to fall asleep. (Please try not to doze off though! And in the case that you do, please ensure that you do NOT snore or drool!) They even have masterclasses!
My brother was offered the chance to take 'S' paper for maths or physics. Think he's going to go for physics. =S
----------------------------- Last year I saw an erection over at my grandmother's kitchen. In fact, I saw it everyday for a very long time. I loved it, laughed at it, felt it and put my mouth to it. Its length was perfect until a few weeks ago when it shrunk to almost half its original length.
I'm talking about the piece of cloth wrapped over the opening of the tap.
It's hilarious! Whenever the tap is turned on, the limp little cloth fills up almost immediately and looks like a cock, really! Imagine having to put your mouth close to it to rinse your mouth. I was almost afraid to touch it because it reminded me dreadfully of that other thing. Well, it's much softer than that other thing anyway (haha). Then this couple of weeks it got shorter because there was a hole at the top of the cloth, causing a spout of water to shoot out from there so it was adjusted. It's a cute little thing now, utterly small with its original thickness. =D
Most of the time when I read of how his life is going, I get immensely jealous. Not matter how small a matter, I still get jealous. It's completely ridiculous, but that's how it is. I know that stuff happens only when you make an effort to do it, you know, not just wait for stuff to happen. But somehow when I try, some things don't happen the way they do and I guess that's alright because not everything can turn out the way you want them to be. It's like what he says of what he learnt in the process of the trebuchet competition - you can't have everything the way you want. You gain some, you lose some, then you learn from it. I find it especially true in group work.
Just the day before, JY and I were talking about group work and she told me how much she hates it because, she said something like, why should I accomodate them? Because in life it's all about accomodation and group work teaches you how to do so, whether or not you like it or hate it, this skill is necessary. I don't love group work, nor do I completely hate it. I believe that there are lots of things to be learnt from others - useful skills that they have, unique perspectives and even the bad stuff like how never to treat your team member and other things you know you should never do, they serve to remind. Not to mention that you learn over time how to deal with certain situations, what to say, to always listen and to dare to voice out your opinions etc. Lots of things, really. Most of the times, fortunately, I've got decent team members or rather, members that I can cope with. True, I lost my temper sometimes and got darn irritated at other times but that's just how it is.
The other day while having lunch with my cousin, he asked if I always have lunch alone. I told him that most of my friends aren't in my major, they're either in other faculties or other majors and it's kind of difficult to meet up with them because we have a time-table clash or some already have their own group of friends to hang out with, people whom you don't really click with, you know. I'm not the type who will say hi to the person sitting beside me during lecture and strike up a conversation with him/her. Even if I do so, I find that most of the time they aren't really people I can... identify with. My cousin's right about having friends in the same major as you. Imagine going into lecture most of the time and sitting by yourself then leaving by yourself, semester after semester. Is it any wonder that I'm envious and jealous of SH who seem to have friends surrounding him, who have people to eat with and who is blessed enough (in my opinion) to meet even more people from his own faculty through his blog who actually likes him? It isn't just him, it's anybody for that matter. I get kind of envious when I go into the LT to see people sitting together with their friends, talking animatedly and laughing before lecture and during breaks. Not wanting to be always alone, I am now trying to get as close as possible to people in my major. Maybe it won't be so bad, maybe there'll be a silver lining in it afterall.
------------------------ I'm contemplating filing for graduation in my 3rd year and then going overseas for further studies in psychology but I'm not sure how advisable or viable it is. Any ideas/comments?
Looking at my CAP though, I wonder if I can pull it up any further just to be on the safe side.
It is night. She lounges on her parents' bed lazily, sister in the toilet and mother filing some documents on the bed. It is almost time for sleep and for her to return to her own room and bed, but her mind is only on one very important thing. After pondering on it for a while she voiced it out:
There is an article in TST today about there not being enough blood in reserve so elective surgeries are being put off. If you can, you really should go donate blood because it can help so many people. Reasons like "I'm scared of needles" or "I'm scared of blood" are not valid because the pain, if there's any, doesn't last for very long and after a while I'm sure it'll wear off. Unless of course you are the type who faint when you set your sights upon a sewing needle or start hyperventilating, then perhaps you can be excused. Ok, so maybe I can't vouch for the minimum pain part but think of the people who are in pain who have to have their surgery put off because there isn't enough blood to go around and compare it with the pain you experience for that short while during donation. If I could, I would have went for donation ages ago. That is, if I could. Apparently, the previous year after I've spent a good 10 minutes filling up a form, I am certified too light to donate. I still weigh the same though, so donation for me is out of the question for now.
However, if you can donate, why not? If you are deciding to do so, check the requirements below:
Age : 16 to 60 years (16 & 17-year-old can donate with parental / guardian consent)
Weight : At least 45 kg (100 Ibs.) for both males and females
Health : Generally good
Well Being : Feeling well that day.
If you've donated before, the time interval between then and the next time you can donate is 12 weeks/3 months.
If you are taking medication, are/was ill, please check out this website to look see if you are eligible to donate. Even if you are fine, check out the website anyway to double-check. Don't want you running down to donate only to find out you aren't eligible! =)
Centre for Transfusion Medicine Health Sciences Authority (Opposite Outram Park MRT Station) 11 Outram Road, Singapore 169078 Tel: 6223 5640, 6213 0626
Did you also know that you can also donate different parts of your blood? This is called Pheresis Donation. However, the procedure is different from normal whole blood donation. Click here to see which type of donation is preferred for your blood group.
You never know when you, a loved one, or a friend may need blood. Blood must be available before it is needed. In support of the Singapore Red Cross Blood Donor Recruitment Program, the NUS Red Cross Chapter organizes a blood donation drive every year. Your support is very important for us, and more so for many others who are on the brink of death. Blood donation saves Lives!! You can make a difference between life and death, so please come down and make a blood donation if you can. Bring friends along too! Remember to bring your NRIC or passport with you as well!
Date: Jan 30th、31st, Feb 1st、2nd, 2007 Time: 10am-4pm Venue: Multipurpose Hall 4 (MPSH 4) Contact: Kang Jia 97346840, kangjiajoy@gmail.com.
Even better! Right at school! =) Everybody, be brave!
2 weeks ago LY was telling me that her friend/boyfriend/lover invited her to church, city harvest. Somehow we got to talking about how the place is like and I didn't tell her some very pretty things. I wonder how was the whole thing and if she's still herself. I'm pretty sure she still is because she's really sensible (you'd better be, LY! If you are going to join, please read this account first and view it through the eyes of another person).
Here is an account written by Agagooga on his first visit there. It's scary what they do there. Seriously, I don't understand why people would actually be convinced to join that particular church. Actually there are a few reasons why and the reasons aren't exactly anything due to the religion. Anyway it's an interesting read.
How come nobody ever told me how horrible my blog looks in IE. Well not exactly horribly horrible, just those little details all over the place that are wrong, like how the BookJetty icon is on the same line as sgForums. All this just because I use Firefox and everything looks fine there. Also received news that my blog loads very slowly in IE, so just need confirmation again - IE users, can help me and leave a comment to tell me if rwrite really loads slowly. It's fine on my computer. Actually even if load slowly I don't know what to do also. *scratch head* haha. But do tell me so that at least I know!
It is barely 2 weeks into school and I have to study for a test next week. Marvellous.
I was very hungry during lecture today before lunch and was really looking forward to some food. It didn't help that people sitting around me were eating biscuits or some food from the cafe outside LT, in fact I was salivating. So after lecture I happily went to that same Mee Siam stall outside LT9/10, only that now the guy was selling Laksa and Nasi Lemak. Despite knowing that I have a weak stomach, I thought I'd give the laksa a shot because the egg inside the container was really tempting. So he poured the gravy into the container, closed it and placed a plastic fork and spoon on top, I gave him the money. He took one look at the money, his face crumpled into confusion and said, "Eh, it's $2.50..." I was shocked and surprised because the other time I passed that stall, a sign said very clearly "Laksa $.150" and today it's $.250. Then he told me later on that tomorrow it will be $2. I feel so cheated. It wouldn't have mattered if I enjoyed the food but the thing is that I didn't because firstly it wasn't that nice and secondly after that my stomach was all weird, not to mention the fact that I was sitting beside the toilet while eating. Sigh, must I always meet with such misfortune everytime I try something new? I miss The Deck. Well at least I'll be having lunch with my cousin tomorrow at a proper canteen. Proper company.
Also met my friend on the bus today (and saw another cousin as well) and he said that I have a very heavy workload this semester. After the Biopscyhology lecture yesterday, I absolutely agree because I make no head or tail of what the lecturer said. I only know there's a membrane and there are sodium and potassium ions which pass through the membrane and him saying something like "I go in, all the students go out", as well as "if the nucleus were drawn to scale, the whole thing plus the axon would be out of campus already". And then because 3 out of 4 of my Psychology modules are taught by Caucasians, I have trouble remembering which lecturer teach which module. Their faces all look the same to me. Have I ever mentioned that I have a little trouble making sense of what they say too, because of their accents?
Anyway, school is a rock. (School rocks, school is a rock, get it?)
Ming Zhu's brother gave us a lift from Clementi all the way to Hougang. On the way he swerved left and MZ actually slid all the way to the other end of the car that was unoccupied. We laughed and she returned to her seat in the middle. Then he swerved right and she slid left this time, smack against me. I think the car seats must be very clean. =D
A few days before the first of one of my Psychology lectures, I checked IVLE "used books" forums for anybody selling that particular text. I found nobody. As such, I thought that the text had changed and so I went ahead and bought the new text. A couple of days before the lecture, I met Yanting, she said last semester they were using the same text and I was very shocked. During the actual lecture itself, I met another friend who say that she saw people selling the same book on IVLE. I checked today and horror of horrors, I have just spent an additional $10+ on a brand new text that I could have gotten second hand. There is also the probability of the lecturer changing the text next semester and seriously, the book isn't that great. ARGH. I could have put that extra money to better use!
Case #2
One of the reasons why I came home to eat today is because I had a budget to keep to and saving today's lunch would mean I could use it for next week's lunch/dinner in school. I vaguely remember I might have to have dinner in school next week or something and I don't want to dip into the reserve of money meant for paying of school fees (in the future). Then I went to Hougang Mall and spent 2 freaking dollars (more than my lunch) on 2 packets of Famous Amos which aren't really that great tasting. No idea why I bought them either. Impulse spending. Well at least my family can enjoy those cookies.
Sian, like I don't have trouble trying to survive on the money that I have already.
Nicholas's 21st birthday today at Aloha Resorts, one of the bungalows near Changi Hospital. You know, the one that is rumored to be haunted. *shudders* Even talking about it freaks me out a little.
The moment Jeremy and I reached there, Nicholas's father called for him, telling us that his friends (us) have arrived. He hasn't changed much, the same hair, the same look, darn, I think he's even wearing the same spectacles! Well, I am too. =) Anyway we spotted Yee Heng and Zhiwei sitting at the table right in front of the door so we joined them for food. The 4 of us ended up sitting at the same spot and playing cards the entire 3 hours, except for when we had to sing the birthday song. Poor birthday boy was exhausted running around and playing host. I thought you were supposed to enjoy your 21st birthday celebration, not tire yourself out. The food wasn't too bad though. I liked the éclairs, really liked it. It was also fun talking to the 3 guys, who (thank goodness) didn't talk too much about army stuff or something because I really wouldn't know what they were saying. A lot of lame stuff being passed around, but then with Jeremy and Yee Heng, there has always been a lot of lame stuff. Even on the bus there was constant chatter. Apologetically, I was cursing quite animatedly throughout the card game, purely by habit, not because I was pissed or irritated but I realized it might have been a little too much.
I knew Nicholas during JC. We were in band for the first 3 months and also after that so we were quite familiar with each other when new members came in. There was a period of time when things between us was slightly more than friends. He was attached at that point and I was very aware, but somehow I think we were kind of attracted to each other. Maybe it was because at that time he had just known me for not too long, found me interesting (wow?) and so it went that way. There was a bit of flirting between us I think, but I could also feel the attraction at that point. It didn't last long though. It's quite normal I guess because when you are at that age, you know, you are very eager. =D It's quite amusing when you think of it. However, may I stress the fact that it is all a very long time ago and we're now friends who rarely keep in touch. The only thing that might be disturbing was the fact that I didn't feel guilty that I flirted with him though I was fully aware of his status. I still don't feel guilty now either and probably won't if anything like that happened with anybody else in future.
In any case it has been fun meeting them again. I laughed a lot, laughed whole-heartedly and was really happy. Do you think he'll bother about that? Don't know, kind of hope that he will, kind of hope that he won't, knowing that he won't ask and that nothing will happen either.
Cognitive Psychology text has been lying on my table since last evening 6pm and the furthest I've gotten is the first few pages. No mood to study, can't bring myself to touch the books.
Had an odd dream last night. I was in the theatre, not a cinema, but a real theatre, one not in real life but one that I'd dreamed before. He was sitting beside me and at the very end of the dream he was holding me. It felt so right that it was completely wrong, but I woke up feeling alright anyway.
SPU today followed by a party/BBQ at Aloha today for my friend's 21st birthday. Most of my friends are turning 21 this year and you know what's really bad? I'm going to be broke! =( This year too, just when we've just moved and everything's kind of on the edge. Darn.
I miss running. Now it's been really a year since the last time I ran. Can't climb lots of stairs for fear of pain (then I'll be stuck in the middle of the block), can't walk long distances. Kind of suck. The school pool's under renovation and the weather doesn't allow swimming.
In spite of it all, bittersweet.
Also trying not to think about school on Monday. I really really dread it. Don't want to spend all 4 days in school alone leh. I thought HY's post described it quite aptly:
I feel an aura of emptiness around me. Coldness grabbed my heart. I told my colleague [on msn] that I suddenly felt very lonely. It was as if I couldn't find any meaning in life. My colleague just laughed at me.
Have you felt it before? This sudden feeling of emptiness and loneliness. You felt as if you have a lot of friends yet you could reach out to none? Your boyfriend [if you have one] is just beside you yet you could not feel his presence.
BookJetty, a website from which you can get information of a book you want from both the Singapore National Library and Amazon! Plus, if you ran out of ideas of books to read, this website allows you to check out what books its members want to read, are currently reading or have already read. It also allows you to keep track of the books that you want to read, are currently reading or have already read (haha, I know I'm repeating) - your own personal booklist, without the hassle of writing the book titles on paper! It's really great, so do check it out and sign up if you like it.
Why is liking a person so difficult? Letting go is even worse. Sigh. I can't know anything personal about him. In a way forbidden by himself. Yeah, if I were him, I probably would have done the same too. It's just that it kind of hurt that I'm to be just one of those out there you know, like nobody he would notice, like just one of his readers, nobody of importance really. It hurts, but that's how it is and that's how it'll be for a long, long time. *smiles grimly* And after he reads this (IF he reads this), I'm guessing he'll just move away from me even more, haha, though I'm not sure in which other ways. I'm not blaming him, I'm just feeling sour about it. Like I said, if it's me, I'd probably do the same too. So why am I still blogging it? *shrug* I don't know. Hey, it's my blog, right?
In order to... knock some sense into myself and to become... normal again, I have decided to set goals for myself. Here's my first one:
Start doing what I like again and concentrate only on the things that I am doing.
Though suicide crosses my mind, I know it's stupid. Every time I think of it, I tell myself I'm not going to do it, that this phase will pass with time, it WILL pass. That if I kill myself, if things can get better, I'm never going to experience it. Haha, easy and nice as it sounds, actually it never really convinces me. I just know that I can't and I won't do it. I will live, no matter if I can breathe through it or not. That's my second goal - keep living.
I took Abnormal Psychology not only because it was a core module.
Today I revised a type of treatment called Cognitive-Behavioral approach. It is getting a person to recognise dysfunctional thoughts that he/she holds and seek alternative explanations. For a full 30 minutes, I think, it worked on me. 30 minutes, only 30 minutes. God, why is it so hard? I almost cried in the LT, listening to the lecturer talk about something I could in a way relate to. I don't want to attend school. I want to curl up on my bed under the blanket. Escaping. How can I escape? I've never been known to do that. Don't want to go back there/then, really. It's... utter hell.
Attended a chamber concert by NUSSO today in school. They had some excellent players. Some were so good I almost wanted to cry. Tingling of muscles, grinning in the dark, letting the music wash over me. Music was healing, it struck me then, and that I wanted to play again, soon. To not heal is horrible. The string duet was so marvellous and watching the girl play was inspirational. Double basses quartet wasn't so good, however. In fact, they were very bad. Think it is because they are more used to playing orchestra pieces, which were relatively simple rather than quartets like these. One of the soloist was very scared, I can tell since I'm in that way too, but he was brave enough to get through the entire piece.
They're having a concert on the 16th March, at UCC, $9 (early bird till this coming Monday) or $11 (actual price). I plan to go, anybody wants to accompany me?
Chu Wen has got an entire list of books on his blog that he's helping a friend sell at incredibly low prices. Check it out here. Leave a comment on my blog or his or tell me if you are interested in any of the books. Please do so by tomorrow (Thursday) night because he has to go get the books on Friday. By the way, keep your hands off Understanding Phobias, it's mine. =P
I was walking home today from the interchange and this lady/girl stopped me. Well, tried to stop me. "Hi, can you spare me a minute? I'm not selling anything." I looked straight forward and pinned a grim smile to my face. Looking like I'm 18 doesn't mean I'll behave like one and the reason why I refuse to even look at her was because I have this huge feeling that she's going to preach to me about Christianity. I almost wanted to ask her sarcastically if it is about Christianity but luckily I didn't. What if it wasn't? I'd have been thoroughly embarrassed. My suspicion and distaste for Christianity has been increasing without my knowing and now I'm beginning to think that these people on the roads are trying to spread the word about Christians. Argh. Just the day before, I asked Yanwei on MSN if his friends are Christians, before I met them. I don't know, I'm just guarded against them, for certain reasons, like this.
The weather is bad and people are falling sick left, right, centre. Please do take care of yourself, people. Drink lots of water, eat your vitamins, vegetables and fruits, and also please sleep early. Him, especially him, hope he doesn't fall sick.
My friend on why he slept only 3 hours last night.
The Ting Thang Twang says: air con was raining so I can't switch it on
The Ting Thang Twang says: and the bloody fan too high tech
---------------------
Friend asked, "Did you take a lot of science modules in NUS? I left science in JC."
I replied,
Yar, I took quite a number of science modules. It's a pity of let it all go.
Science is an art.
And it's true, isn't it? Science is an art, all on its own. The beauty of it, I can never comprehend fully. I left my science brain cells back in JC too, though.
Olivia has been made the monitress (spelling?) of her class. She came home today shouting through the gates for me to go to her. Then she said she has a very important thing to tell me, the most important thing in her life, ever. She warned me that it wasn't anything about what a boy told her and I guessed straight away what the very important thing was, then I congratulated her. I asked if she was scared, she said yes, but she is happy and excited as well. I warned her that it's not an easy job and she agreed. She told me a little about how she discipline the class. "Everybody keep QUIET!!!" She shouted. "Of course in school I'll do another way lah," she explains then demonstrated again, this time the proper way, "Everybody keep quiet!" A while later she called both my parents separately and told them the news.
"You all must call me Boss," she said into the phone to my father, "because I am the monitress!"
I think that it is all very amusing and will be good for her, to learn something from it all. Not to mention that I am of course very proud of her.
First day of school and all we lack are shoes from Bata.
It's a long entry ahead, so I highlighted the few words that summarize each paragraph. Take your pick as to which to read.
We found our way around Engineering alright. In fact we could see the building before we were 100 metres from it. CW happily told me that level 6 is the same level as the canteen. He must have been ogling at girls the whole 1.5 years he's been there because level 6 is 4 whole levels above canteen level. Engineering people are really very lucky. They have lifts located at easily found places to bring them up to the desired level. Science also not bad. Arts... Let's just say it's lucky I like climbing stairs and if you need the lift, happy finding one and then happy finding your way around after that. Lecture class was superbly small, I like. =) By the way, although this classroom we had was different from the one I was in last semester, it is still very nice, being carpeted and having nice chairs attached to each other and arranged in a row - neat. Don't remember Arts having carpeted rooms except for the LTs. Luckily we don't have because I think I saw a patch of dried vomit on the carpet today.
Saw another of my friend seated in front of me and I almost wanted to giggle out loud. Last last semester we had 2 same modules and every time he comes into the lecture theatre, the seats he pick are always near my friend and I. Even if his friends (a whole bunch of them) are the ones who come into the LT first, somehow we always end up seating near each other and now, we're taking the same module again. Luckily I like this guy, man, though I thought he looked better with the short spiky hair he once had.
Had lunch with Yan Wei and his friends. I didn't eat anything. Spent the entire 0.5 hour looking around nervously before noticing the time and jumping up. I've never liked being in Engine canteen. The place makes me extremely nervous. Since arts canteen is closed for renovation, they suspected that half of the people in the canteen were from Arts because well, engineering students can never dress that well. I didn't say anything because I think I'd have fitted in perfectly without anybody suspecting that I wasn't from that faculty and also because heh, I think so too. Saw this guy whose hair was so messy it was obvious he just got out of bed a few moments ago. For goodness sake, at least comb your hair! I desperately wanted to go up to him and comb it for him or even better, shave it for him. In any case I won't be eating there unless absolutely necessary.
I hate selling thick textbooks. Today I lugged my physics text to school and the buyer told me that he/she is sick and can't meet me today. I almost puked then. So I lugged the heavy text back home, with 4 new crumpled pages.
The weather is horrible. Last night I couldn't sleep properly at all and ended up drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness or mostly lingering between the two for most of the 7 hours. Woke up somewhere halfway through the night to find myself drenched in perspiration then came to complete consciousness this morning to find an aching neck. Then just now in the afternoon thought that I'd pass out while walking home.
But whatever I do, in the end I'm still so... insignificant. I'm just like everybody else. Even if I die, everything continues...
Friend,
But why do you want to be significant?
Only today do I realize that knowing your significance and actually accepting it are two different things altogether. I think I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I am but only one human, not that important, very ordinary, and that even if I should disappear one day, the world goes on. Big-headed me, huh? I'm still not sure whether that horrible stage in the past where desperation and continuous depression gripped me was because I couldn't come to terms with it or because I just didn't expect it, but it's much better now and I'm guessing that I'm coming to terms with it.
This is one of the first hard, cold fact I learned in 2007. Satisfaction and humbleness. Maybe it's time I learned satisfaction and humbleness. I like 2007 already.
Tomorrow's a brand new day! It is also the first day of a brand new semester!
=D
Very sian. Really very sian. It is even more sian knowing that I'm going to school for one one-hour lecture, not in my faculty, but at engineering. I hope my friend and I don't lose our way.
To those starting school tomorrow, have a wonderful day! =)
*edit* I just came upon an alarming thought. What if I have to shit while in school tomorrow? Cannot, cannot! Wait people think that got a guy inside with me, with all that noise. Maybe I'll be able to shit before going to school...
I am unique and worthy, within me lies the power to be the best that I can be.
If I were a Christian, I would say, "Lord, please give me the strength to carry on." If I were a devout taoist, I would say "God, please let things pass smoothly for me this year, let me be achieve good grades and bless me with good health." If I were a buddhist, I would say .... I don't know what I would say. But I'm not any of them, so I draw strength from my secondary school's student creed. It speaks the exact words to me. I am unique, I am worthy and I do have the power within to be the best that I can be. I must believe because I do not want to be in the state that I was in during the exam period, too scary.
Unexpectedly happy. Happiness as thought it is SH who talked to me on MSN, as though it was in the past again. Only that it isn't him this time round. Remember this guy I talked about? His initials are also SH. I finally initiated conversation with him on MSN and he replied! Thank you for talking so fluidly, so easily as though it's been only days since we last talked and not years, thank you for not ignoring me when I approached despite my actions. The conversation didn't last very long but I'm really, truly happy to have taken that first step. A lot of things are about first steps and I'm glad to have typed that "hello". Now when will I be able to say that "sorry"?
Outright, I have hardly been racist. Maybe I'm a passive one, a person who will outrightly never think of performing a racist act but the idea of racism is ingrained inside him/her and he/she can perform such an act without really noticing it. There's a term for it but I forgot. Yes, I think I'm one of those. I think a lot of us are.
I have a maid. Well, she's technically ours but not really ours because she was hired to look after my uncle who's diabetic, has a low IQ and is one legged. When I was still living at my old place, she'd walk over to our place once every one or two days to clean the house etc, but now that we've moved back to our old place, directly opposite my uncle's, she comes over more than once per day to clean, wash dishes, bring whatever clothes over etc. (Don't say that I'm blessed! I hate it to the core. I'd rather do all the cleaning myself.) Besides the fact that I don't like her coming over because (I just don't like it and) I feel like my privacy is invaded, she also brings her body odor with her. Think it's not her fault because she bathes twice daily, just that she has that distinct smell that some Indonesians have and I'm very uncomfortable with it. I don't dare to enter my room immediately after she has cleaned it because the smell would linger for a while. Similarly, wherever she goes, I don't exactly follow either. Sometimes when she walks past, I hold my breath. Since she works in the kitchen quite often, somehow the kitchen, especially the sink area, has absorbed her smell. Now I really hate walking into the kitchen for anything. Recently I've begun to open all windows whenever it is not raining, just to air the place. Whatever I can open to let air in, I open. Of course not including the rubbish chute.
Today it has reached another limit for me and I finally dug out the scented candles that my father once bought and put one in the kitchen. But the damn scented candles have no scent! Instead, the fire seem to bring out the odor in the kitchen. I thought that maybe because she will lean her body onto the sink's area when washes the dishes, I used a cloth to wipe the table top and the doors of the cupboard beneath the sink. Immediately after, the smell was much weaker. It was a great relief.
I know I ought to feel guilty about talking about her in this way but I don't actually feel so. I'm actually.... reveling in it. Is it very bad of me?
CORS started last week, but in my case I only start bidding this week. Got news that a GEM module, Living with fluids would be a sure score module so I have already set my heart on that. The only problem now is that with 10 minutes or lesser left to close bidding (meaning I can't see the bid points after that), the minimum bid point is at a horrendous 371 and I can't help but freak out.
Firstly, this means I'm up against a lot of competition and unfortunately I'm depending on this module to get an A, which means I'm not planning to S/U, which means it's not exactly going to be easy.
Secondly, I have been looking through other modules for an alternative and so far have found none. I can't take modules within my faculty because I need all the Programme points I have to bid for my psychology modules (which I have to get this semester), leaving only modules outside my faculty. Left only a couple of minutes to close bidding now, I guess I'll have to take this module and fight my way through it. Damn, I thought this round of bidding would be an easy one for me.
Living with fluids, indeed. Feel like I'm drowning in the sea of bid points more like it.
Night time. Has a quality the morning does not have. A tranquility, silence. The darkness, nobody watches because most are asleep. The air is cool and there is a sleepiness about it, but not total sleepiness. Night, can be rejuvenating.
Morning. Early morning, the time before dawn. A very short period before the rush of activity. A coolness before the sun rays warm the earth. The morning invigorates me, pushing all sleepy thoughts away.
Both purify, allowing privacy, the cool air giving warmth inside, caresses the face, puts one at ease.
I finally epilated my legs this afternoon. The pain was nothing compared to the pain from epilating the pits. I even relished in it for a bit. The hairless leg is nice, smooth and all, but my leg feels kind of bare, naked and cold... and odd. Almost like the coming onslaught of fever. Not used to it yet, having been protected by that leg hair for 8 years or so of my life. Yeah, well, things come, things go. It's really odd seeing my legs bare.
Mum accidentally upset the board which my completed jigsaw was resting on and now it's in pieces again. Am upset but not very upset, just irritated. I don't have the energy to finish the puzzle now, though I managed to do 3/4 of it this afternoon. Dreading the white pieces.
Because of the jigsaw I kind of quarreled with her, again, and she said for the don't-know-how-many time that she don't want to live with me in future. I replied that I never planned to. Perhaps she said what she did in pique, but I was completely clear-headed when I said what I did. In the past I would have been initially proud of what I said in a moment of anger, then I would regret it later on when I've cooled down. This time round it was different because I had already planned it and I knew it was not going to be easy. Heck, I don't even know if I'll ever make it out of this house even (ha!), but I think I'd really like to. For all the love, care and concern that I have, sometimes I think it is a little too much. Sounds like rubbish, doesn't it. How can there ever be too much of those? Perhaps I really am wrong, that they aren't really heaping all those on me, that it is a moderately sufficient amount. There were a lot of times I was wrong anyway and I'm too naive in too many ways. But I know I'd like to have a little more freedom.
My room that really isn't my room, it's part of my parents' house. The walls of my room are mine, but not technically either and I have no right to claim them. As a result, I had no right to choose the colour I wanted my room painted in. Or the way the furniture is to be arranged either. What minor matters! Looks like I'm still the same.
Maybe it's because it hasn't been long since we moved in, or because I spent the best of my years in another house, but this place don't seem like home. With the maid walking in and out, with people opening and closing my wardrobe, mum coming in and telling me one day that she'll buy a bookshelf for me after CNY (though I have completely no intention of buying one because a section of my wardrobe is already completely dedicated to my books and other stuff), I feel like my privacy is invaded. Haha, what rights to privacy do I have? It's my family! Not to mention that it's perfectly normal for my mother to open my wardrobe to put stuff in or something.
Ok, I should stop this. I'm not done healing yet and am now degrading myself more than these words show. I just don't like how things are now. Maybe things will settle down after a while and I'll get used to it.
She got it off lancerlord, I got it off her. =D Anyway THIS is called The Gender Genie and is used to predict the gender of the author of a paragraph of text through the analysis of words used. Give it a shot!
It predicted me as a female no matter which post I used.
It defies rationality, uplifting yet upsetting at the same time. It throws me back into the darkest abyss, yet it also brings me an inexplicable joy. Like laughing and crying at the same time. Pain piercing through you, a symbol of both sadness and happiness. Loudest silence, happiest sadness - oxymorons. The strong urge to look, mixed with an equally strong fear of looking. He's finally back, and I'm again back where I was.
Currytan has got some fabulous games recommendation. Check out his blog!
Here's Nex Game. Try getting through all the ice walls by punching through them at the right time using your mouse. I think my character broke quite a number of noses before I finally got him through. The poor guy.
There's also the Gateway, a puzzle-like game where you interact with the objects on the screen to get you through each level. Quite easy to accomplish. Reminded me of The Wicked, actually, but vastly different.
Matrix Rampage is another interesting game. I like this one, though I don't have really good reaction timing (especially when I really need to go shit when I was playing it). Try to survive the attacks of the agents by either running away (it won't do any good), picking up desks, chairs, bins to throw, or by using their weapons against them.
Shucks, played until the urge to shit is now gone. Not good, not good.
Subscribe in a reader
I just got my Citibank Platinum VISA card last night. It's a supplementary card. I'm not rich, my parents are not rich, the card's just for decorative purposes.
