Alumni percussionists

Bumped into Jiaxing, my percussion junior from both XMS and AJ last night, while on the bus to alumni practice. He decided to join us for a while and to look-see. This is the junior I was pissed at long ago for putting his religion over us and making it sound completely ridiculous. This is my batch's direct junior. And boy, can he still play.

Last night we had 4 out of 5 generations of percussionists in one room. In terms of seniority, Zhi Wei and I were the oldest there. Do you know how it feels to see percussionists from across generations gather in one room?

There were not a lot of us, only 6 altogether, about a person from each batch. It was a pity Alvin does not want to play anymore if not there would have been 5 generations.

There was still something missing, though. That link between us, that something which allows us to play as a section and be a section. I wonder if it matters to pull these 5 - 6 people together, but I would really like to feel that sensation again. It won't be me although I am currently the coordinator for the section. I lack the ability to pull people together and I know who can rise up to the role.

Ah, we only have 2 weeks left to performance time. Does it really matter?

I would really love to play with my batch again and some of those from later batches.

Is there really a possibility that I can experience that again? That euphoria and feeling as one.

Dressing alike 2

For some reason, Hong Yi and I wore the same colour theme again the day after we both wore green and black.

Also for some unknown reason, he bought a carrot juice drink which was also orange in colour. Maybe he was feeling orangey that day. He feel orangey never mind, but he tried to influence me by trying to feed me the orange carrot juice drink too!

Nominated

This blog is nominated for ping.sg's awards section in Most Entertaining Blog category. I am frankly very very flattered that there were actually people (though is Uzyn they all) who thought my blog was entertaining (because I talk about my fetish about uniforms). Anyway I feel there are way more entertaining blogs than mine which are also nominated and I am really very honoured to actually be in the category with them.

If you feel that my blog is entertaining, you can vote here. It'd be easy if you are already a ping.sg user. If you are not yet a user but you do have a blog, you can still sign up and vote. You need not vote for me, though it'd be nice to have some votes. If you have already voted for me, thank you! If not...

DK promised his voters lift upgrades at their blogs, new MRT square line station that will stop at all his voters' blogs and ERS for everyone (virtual money).

*I promise that I will get more excited over seeing army guys.
*subject to terms and conditions. Army guys must be either good-looking or standing far away for me to appreciate them. Also, the following conditions must apply: Their heads must be shaved, they must be tanned, they must have nice, strong arms and they must be tall. They must also be wearing the ceremonial uniform or their number 4. Time and duration of excitement also depends on ovulation cycle of author as well as her mood.

Donald DUCK & Hahaha

*vibrate* 1 message received

Read

Donald DUCK: steph! does 88 goes to Hougang Mall?
Me: (confused) You are? Nope, it does not.
Donald DUCK: huh? What "you are"?
Me: Who are you? How come my phone says that you are Donald Duck? haha, you are liuyin right?

Looks up at Hong Yi.

Me: Did you change LY's name to Donald DUCK?!

Hong Yi starts laughing wildly.

A moment later, phone vibrates. 1 message received. Read.

Hahaha: Haha...

Dressing alike

People say that great minds think alike:

Hong Yi and I have such great minds that there are light bulbs over our heads.

Baby Ally

JH gave me the link, I gave it to a couple of others including Ridzuan. Next I know, I see it on estee's blog and a few others. Here is the super cute video of Baby Ally. Though she's not technically a baby anymore.

Repetition of emotions, across time

Night.

First hot, then cool.
Slight breeze, touches my face, tousles my already messy hair.

There is to be rain tonight.

Is it rain or tears on my cheeks?

Fear.
There is fear. A familiarity, too familiar.
Is it too much? Is it alright? Is it wrong?
Too many I'm sorrys in my mind.

Happiness.
It brushes across then it retreats.

I miss somebody.

Zhi Xiang's birthday

Some birthday parties tire me out.

Went for Zhi Xiang's 21st birthday party at his condo this evening. I know about 80% of the people there but I felt very uncomfortable. These people are my JC band friends. Think I've said before, I don't feel a part of them. The moment I stepped into the function room, my mask was on and it was there until I left the place.

Thanks to Caren for her company, Frankie for his presence and Eric.

Party was actually quite good compared to some others I've been to. Kudos to Zhi Xiang and Jeremy.

It was a 3 hour party. For 3 hours I kept wondering when it'd end. Up till now am awake for 12 hours but highlights of the day? Meeting CJ for 0.5 hours and chatting to Eric for 10 minutes. A mere 40 minutes out of 12 hours. Wonder what I've been doing the rest of the time.

I rocked. Sat and rocked. Front back front back left right left right. Constant rhythmic pattern. Unable to stop. Rocking comforts me.

Paper Hamsters

I just "bought" 2 paper hamsters from my sister, one adult and one baby. I was happily playing with them, the little one was really very playful, running around a lot. Olivia looked at me then said,

Eh, the hamster upside down!

me: huh? Oh, these are the ears ah? I thought they are the legs lehz...

Here are the hamsters, correct way up:


Then we fed the paper hamsters with nicely cut up blue paper and they are currently resting beside my mouse, full of blue paper inside of them.

On MSN

you are hopeless already

Maybe I'm really hopeless. Is this so bad that he has to say that? I don't see why.
Too tired. Need to sleep.

2 marvellous days, 2 guys

When you had 2 fantastic days not too far from each other, the other days seem a little too boring and monotonous.

1st fantastic day was at Ridzuan's place on Saturday. Could not believe I actually went all the way to the other end of the island, waited outside his house's backdoor in the rain for 15 minutes before he came down to bring me up, and then at the end of the day took an hour train ride home. Was busted by the time I reached home but had a thoroughly enjoyable day.

What did we do there?

It is 3pm. At ridz's place, boiling his eggs, might explode in a fury of white matter. Very hungry.

Link

We cooked. OK, rather, I tried to help, he cooked. Took an amazing 2 hours just to prepare one miserable dish. While waiting for the dish to be ready, he got so hungry he decided to eat biscuits and have some tea, which is the equivalent of a very late breakfast, at about 2.45pm. My gastric pains were starting to act up again at that time. Lunch was finally ready at 3pm.

Then I think we chatted until dinner time which was about 4 hours later and had some instant Ramen noodles which were highly recommended by Ridzuan himself. He cooked those again! By then I really had to leave even if I did not want to.

It was seriously one of the best days I have had in a while.

2nd fantastic day was last night. Met up with a male friend of mine for dinner at Vivocity. Seriously, he needs to learn how to use his phone properly. Phone not set to vibration mode in a noisy and crowded place. Tsk. How am I expected to contact him? Hear this, person concerned? =)

Walked around looking for a good place to eat in. Finally settled for a Japanese restaurant, firstly because he chose it and secondly because my feet hurt too much to walk much further.

There is something about talking to him that makes me feel strangely at ease. Topics don't seem to cease and silences are comfortable, although sometimes he does things that makes me so irritated I frankly want to smack him. Heh.

We ended up having ala carte buffet which was a real deal. The most wonderful dish of all was this Grilled Salmon with Chilli Mayo. Fresh salmon, crispy skin and natural oil, together with chilli mayo on top of it all. A perfect combination.


Him to me a while after consuming the salmon, seeing me laid back in my seat,

Still having an orgasm?

He paid for everything. Am very grateful and quite embarrassed but mostly thankful to him for the treat.

I am actually very amazed at him because although he is only 2 years older than me, he has gone through a lot of things. Ok, fine, a lot of other people have gone through a lot of things too. Don't know, after last night I really do look at him in a different light than before. I look up to him.

He took me to the top level of Vivocity, an open space where there were many people. So we talked. For 2.5 hours. Time seemed too short, passed by too fast. If I could, I would have just sat there beside him through the night.

Managed to catch the last train home.

To me it was... a magical night, that. If it never happens again then so be it. I'm really satisfied with how things were last night. I don't need a lot. The simpler the better.

Tonight

If I were to never be able to do what I did again today, I would still be satisfied. I don't need a lot to be happy. One dinner and 4 fantastic hours, one of the best evenings I've had.

Being frank

There are quite a number of points I would have liked to really, seriously talk about regarding SH but I wonder if it really matters whether or not I talked about them. Mainly because I don't really remember the points clearly but also because I don't think I could ever be totally frank here.

Ridzuan asked me that day if I could try to write frankly again here.

No.

There was too much at stake.

Ok, let me try and be frank.

I wonder, if I say right now that I no longer harbour any more feelings for SH, would he still talk to me? Probably yes, most probably not. Does it matter? I don't know and seriously, I'm sick of bothering about it. I have no idea whether or not he still reads my blog, I have no idea whether or not he still fears me or hates me. I used to be bugged down by all these but right now I don't care. I'm tired of worrying about it, of thinking that everything is my fault and thinking that I ruined his life.

For so long I detested my presence in his life. Yes, you read that right. My presence in his life. Every little bit for which I was present, I felt like I was intruding. Maybe he really feels that way but I don't really bother anymore. Selfish?

When I joined ping.sg, it was because of him. Then I got more involved, I made friends. One day, it hit me that I might be intruding too much into a space that is by right in a way his. I wondered if I should retreat, give it all up, everything including my twitter and my friendships. Make a clean cut. I consulted my friend and she understood why I felt guilty for being so active in the community. She told me that perhaps I should retreat for a while. The impact of what I had to give up if I chose this path hit me really badly but somehow I was calm.

I couldn't let go then, I went too far. Now it is time to let go and it is too bad that because of my holding on at that time, I now have to let go a much larger portion of my life. But it's ok, this is how things have to be.

I almost went through with it. For so many days then, I didn't ping, didn't shout. I just blogged, twittered and disappeared. I had planned to delete my twitter account a week later. Then somebody called me and 3 hours later managed to talk some sense into me.

I'm glad I did not go through with it. If he still hates me, I am sorry, if he still fears me, I am sorry. I can't do anything else except say sorry. I will always be here and if he thinks that the only way for him to be happy is only when I disappear, then I'm sorry, I can't do it. I have retreated to the best of my abilities, refrained from contacting him at all. But this is part of my life, I would really like to live it. I don't want to and will not spend the rest of my life purposely avoiding him both in the physical world and virtually.

Yes I hurt him, I'd admit that, and it hurt me more than anything to have hurt him. He would hate to see me write this, but I loved him, only that I did not know how to show it. I chose all the wrong ways to show it. I'm sorry I made those mistakes and I'm sorry that I hurt him. He is not the only one with the psychological damage, I did too. I drew up a shield so tightly around me it hurt me. But I would not let it down, even if I liked somebody else again, I would not let it down because it was the only thing that protected others from me and me from others. I believed that I was dangerous, too much pressure, too difficult to be handled when in fact all it was, were mistakes. That's all. Mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes, why can't I be forgiven for mine? I am tired of trying to seek forgiveness, of trying to make things as normal as possible and trying to fade into oblivion.

I really looked very highly to him. To me, he couldn't have wronged. To me, he was special. My friends told me he is just an ordinary guy trying to be extraordinary. I disagreed with them. Haha. Love blinds you indeed. Whatever faults he had, I overlooked them, accepted them and mostly dwelled on his positive aspects. Then suddenly just recently, an incident made me realize that he isn't almighty, he isn't always right and it isn't the case that everybody likes him. For too long, I thought too highly of him and too lowly of myself. It was weird but in that split second I was suddenly relieved and happy. In a flash, he was human and I had worth.

It is possible that I can actually be right, not wrong.

I stopped loving him.

I don't know how he will deal with things, I don't know if he will ever dare to go into a relationship again but I do not wish to bother about it anymore because this is his own battle to fight and it really has nothing to do with me. People get hurt from these kinds of things, somebody helped me to accept it and to see things differently, I hope it is the same for him too. Hurt is all part of liking and loving and leaving. There is nothing wrong with it. Perhaps all this time we have been looking into hurt too much.

Maybe he never liked me, never loved me. I thought that maybe he only used me, whether or not purposely. Maybe I just happened to be there at the time he needed an outlet from the other girl. He told me it is not the case, but I always wonder anyway. If it was really a case of using me, I would be slightly angry and hurt. Does it matter, though? Well, it would change my view of him, but it would never change the fact that I truly had feelings for him or the lessons that I learned. I learned so much in this non-relationship, things that I know I want, things I know I don't, things I know I should not do. I simply have to thank him. To thank him for tolerating with me and for bearing the brunt of this really emo girl.

I don't know if any of my presumptions is true for him. Maybe it is, maybe it is not, I don't know, it does not matter.

I'm now threading gingerly on dangerous ground. My shield is down but ready to come up at a split second. If what I say about hurt being alright is true then is it not time for me to put down that shield? I always say it is a habit. It has grown into me, my shield. Maybe one day I will be able to fully retreat it and give things my all.

Wow, that was frank, wasn't it.

ping.sg anniversary

We had our ping.sg meeting on Saturday night at The Coffee Connoisseur (tcc) at Boat Quay for the anniversary preparation. The rest were discussing stuff, I was there to eat and listen. In case you still do not know, ping.sg is turning 1 on 4th July 2007, celebration (sign-up here) is held on 7th July 2007 at Geek Terminal, with registration starting at about 3.30 or 4pm. It is free but purely only for ping.sg members, so pingsters if your friends want to come, I'm sorry but it's a no-go, unless you sign up as a member and registered for the party. I am really apprehensive about saying the above sentence because then people might just register for the heck of it, then urge their friends to reigster, then pull more people in to register. You try doing that and I promise that the bunch of us will make you all a very unhappy and regretful person on that day. I promise that I'll poke you so hard you won't be able to tell I'm a female and leave you with bruises all over.

Programme is briefly as below:

3:30pm - 4:00pm

Registration

4:00pm - 6:30pm

Blog Awards Presentation, Launch of Ping.sg v1.5, Birthday Cake Celebration.

7:30pm - 9:00pm

Dinner + Networking

9:00pm - late

Post celebration party (optional) [Pay for your own booze]

Yes there will be a Blog Awards Presentation of several categories including Most Entertaining Blog, Most Insightful Blog, Most Controversial Post and several others. Nominations were open for a week plus before the meeting and if you were thinking of nominating anybody else for the awards, sorry, window period for nomination is also closed =P I seem to have postponed blogging so much that I have skipped mentioning about the window period for nomination when in the past I would have dedicated an entire entry to it.

Anyway, voting is due to open soon, so do check out ping.sg to vote. You are allowed to join ping.sg to vote for your friends but I would really urge you all to participate more actively rather than join just for the mere purpose of helping your friend win an award. An award is just an award. The platform is for Singapore's blogger community after all and the people there are fun!

Yay! I am very excited about that day! Though the word "networking" scares me off. I think I might convince myself to either examine the carpet under the tables after 7.30pm or turn cold-blooded enough to blend in with the walls. The walls are white, maybe I should wear all-white.

Introduction, point 1

Aware that I haven't been blogging frequently for the past few days. Lack of time, energy and attention. As such, there is an accumulated stack of ideas and items to share which at this point, I am unable to remember. All that I can remember now are 3 things:

1) chat with my cousin,
2) yesterday,
3) gaining insight and feeling relief.

I figure if I can't remember, then it isn't important. Posts following this will dwell on these points. Point 1 shall be here.

Cousin asked me out for a chat suddenly today. When she says that she is angry, she is angry. And today she is angry, upset, disappointed, feeling helpless, depressed and scared. Just learnt today that her friends read my blog too so I will not choose to elaborate anymore. If she wishes to expose things, she will, at her own pace and own way and only to those whom the matters concern.

In some ways, I really feel that I am far more naive than her because I see almost everything and everybody's actions without an underlying meaning. Recently though I have been learning to look at things differently. Somehow she gets all the bad stuff - the back stabs, hypocrites, changing friends and waning friendships. Maybe I'm just a lot more blind. In any case I hope that she will find the strength and courage to go on and eventually find a way to deal with the problems that she is facing.

Remember that whatever the case, however you might feel at that point, you must always recall that suicide is not what you want. No matter how depressed you are or how tempting things are, you must not do it. Even if you do not have the will, you have to force yourself to muster the will to turn yourself away from it. If you are going to do anything like that, REMEMBER MY FACE! My red, pimply face! And imagine the word "NO" on my forehead. OKAY?! Understand?

Quotes from ping.sg meeting

Uzyn at ping.sg meeting last night in a nice, feminine, slightly whining voice,

Arzhou... *pats space on bean bag beside him* I want to lie on your lap...

I twittered it, Uzyn protested, we asked why

Wait got other guys like me, then cannot how?

Not long after, Uzyn decided on something else,

I changed my mind, I now prefer dk's lap.

Link

Tsk, now Sek Ling knows what Uzyn does when she's away. TSK.

Parents nagging

Ok, I should be glad. Last time it was 10.30pm, then it became 11pm, now it is 11.30pm.

I'm talking about the time my mother and father start SMS/calling me to
1) ask what time I will be home,
2) tell me that it is very late already
3) reiterate that Singapore is not as safe as I think it is and that there are rapists around.

Only that their intentions are now backfiring. The more they make me go home, the more I want to stay out. Pearlin told me that it is because they are concerned about me, and that, I have no doubt. But I am not on the other side of Singapore or at Clarke Quay or at some club or pub. I am barely 1.6 km away from home, at a Mcdonald's near my Secondary School after band practice ended at 10pm, having an unplanned supper with Pearlin, whom they have met before.

Within an hour from 11.30pm to 12.30am, I received first a missed call from my father, then a SMS from him, then a SMS from my mother (directly after my father), then another from my mother (to tell me that my father is not happy I am out so late and I had better go home now because her ear is very itchy from my father's nagging). I have since learnt to give up trying to convince them that I am safe to soothe their anxiety or to flare up at them. I give one word or one sentence replies and 20 minutes later get my butt off the chair and head home.

I should be glad that they are concerned.

Repeats to self: I should be glad that they are concerned. I should be glad that they are concerned. I should be glad that they are concerned. I should be glad that they are concerned. I should be glad that they are concerned. I should be glad that they are concerned.

On one hand, I don't want to regret. On the other hand, I am getting irritated.

Sick; Sweater

CJ on GTalk,

You are better than a gentleman.

Prolonged exposure, that is 9 hours, to a bacteria-filled Hong Yi resulted in me finally catching the flu bug after having survived fleeting exposures (read: 20 minutes everyday) to 3 sick friends over the course of a week. The bug hasn't fully taken over my body yet and my immune system is vigorously fighting it. I can feel the heat inside of me, the slight headache and slightly churning stomach as well as a sudden chill. Symptoms can take a turn for the worse or go the other way. Hope sleep tonight will energize immune system enough to fight off the bug. Have not been sick in a while.

Forgot to bring my shawl to work today but Hong Yi lent me his sweater to wear the whole day. Am extremely grateful and apologetic to him because the smell on me after lunch at the coffeeshop rubbed off onto the sweater and now he has to bring home to wash.
Sweater too large. Looked like I was wearing my boyfriend's sweater to work or, because the sweater covered my entire shirt, looked like I just woke up from sleep wearing nothing underneath save for the sweater and a skirt.

Wow. Visual.

Britain's Got Talent - Conny

Link

A girl with a talent, a voice so fantastic I am truly amazed. And she's only 6 years old. Just as long as she does not turn out like Britney Spears if she becomes famous. Fame at a young age have a tendency to screw kids up because it inflates their ego and their heads, places unnecessary pressure on them to be always a certain way, to be what people want them to be. Pity too, because they were all so nice and sweet when they first started out.

Twittered

I twittered this afternoon:

Damn, wind just blew and skirt flew up while on stairs of overhead bridge. Wonder if ppl in coffeeshop i'm in now saw anything... =(

Minutes; soldier; work

I wrote the minutes for today's meeting. First time writing minutes, I was not sure what is important and what is not. When you work in a company where you know nuts about what they are doing, everything seems important. So I went with my intuition and I think I now have a brief piece of minutes for today's meeting. Hopefully I can still remember and decipher what is it that I wrote.

I don't think I am a very good worker. =(

--------------------
I have been seeing a lot of soldiers around. Heh. Makes me very happy.

Somebody in office today cried "drop ten, soldier!" I think I almost hyperventilated.

-------------------
Blog very devoid of content nowadays because I'm working. Which reminds me that I have to call my friend to do a survey.

I think I'll do it on MSN. Which should be excruciatingly long.

Low mood

.... ...

I'm speechless. Twice in a day. Not sure what to feel or what to say.

Shit, in emotional mood, I think. A hug would be lovely, really. Unfortunately it is already the end of the day and I'm going to sleep. When I wake up, I would not need or want a hug anymore. Ah, well.

What's new? Ha.

I think it's time to make an appointment with that friend of mine and to reconsider some choices made.

Happy 21st Birthday

To Shuping,

Happy 21st Birthday!

I wish that you will be happy. I wish that you will have the strength, passion and faith in yourself to do what you want to do and to overcome the obstacles that you face.

Quote

Cousin YY at a wedding lunch, telling me through SMS,

Haix, tomorrow's first paper and I'm at The Fullerton eating nuts. -_-'''

Slowly not loving

Love. And slowly not loving anymore.

I loved her so much it hurts. I cried everyday over things I do not comprehend. Everything was associated with her. Day after day, I wondered when this would all end, if it would end at all. One day I just woke up and my first thought was not her. That was how it all started.

Military wedding - men in uniform

Adrian has this video on his blog about his friend's military wedding last night. As bad as the quality of the video is (heh, sorry Adrian), I could see the groom in his No. 1 ceremonial uniform and it positively made me all fidgety.

Apparently anybody can wear that uniform but only officers have swords and, I think, only officers of certain ranks can have a military style wedding. Thank you Adrian for attempting to explain to me.



This next video, a totally unrelated to the above mentioned wedding, has swordbearers slow marching into the hall.



Link

Heck, who cares what rank or what positions they are? Those uniforms are enough to make me go weak in the knees and feeling tension in places I can't mention. Damn, if my wedding is military styled and my groom is in that uniform, I would, after saying my vows or whatever, stop everything and drag him into the hotel room. Either that or I will spend the rest of the night fidgeting and teasing him under the table.

Ok, I am getting high and floaty from thinking about men in uniforms. And this is just thinking! I have not even really seen one in real life yet.

Have. To. Stop.
Need. To. Breathe.

Rhythm

The beeping from the reversing garbage truck downstairs is in time with the beat of Code Monkey. =D

Addiction.

I practically laughed at Timothy's (correct name?) face when I walked into Geek Terminal and then walked out again within 5 seconds. His expression was quite hilarious.

Wanted to have dinner at Geek Terminal initially because office was right above, I finished work at 7.30pm and I knew if I did not eat soon, I was going to suffer a full blown gastric attack either later in the night or a few days later. Also because I really wanted to try the food again.

Anyway I walked in, smiled at him, started to tell him this time round I wanted a menu when he pointed at the back of the room,
T: "they (Ridz and Jasmine) are..",
I looked, got the idea, "oh shit, they are still here?! Haha, I think I will go somewhere else to eat."
His expression changed to surprise mixed with confusion. I laughed at his expression, said thanks then left.

I wanted to spend some time alone where it was quiet. Read my book, chill out a little, daydream a little and just think about things. I was in no mood to socialize.

There are so many things in my head, so many questions. Very wise, sensible words from a friend, comforting words from another, even a practical example set in front of me, but I still cannot pull myself away. I really cannot. Every time something around me moves, I automatically set up my shield. It prevents anything harmful from hurting me, prevents anything harmful from me from getting out, but it also prevents anything beneficial from getting in. Ironically, my shield is hurting me. What I set up to protect myself is hurting me. I want to get out, but I also don't want to get out. I don't dare to get out. Why should I? I have become familiar with what I am doing. I don't dare to trust myself, it's safer to stay in.

You can't stop it.
You just go from one hole to another.
You dug too many holes.

It's an addiction. It feels comfortable. It's a lot more safe.

No. I. Have. To. Get. Out.

Damn. Can feel withdrawal symptoms coming already.

Job done! ; Hearing

I finished my $6.50 per hour job, finally! This money is not easy to earn, physically. I think I have a slightly strained/sprained wrist. Terrible, considering the fact that I have a week for it to heal before the next percussion practice.

I was working at SAP Asia. It's a really rich company, I heard. MZ pulled me in for 3 days (which was later extended to 5 days) to sort, punch holes and file papers. I thought it would be easy. I have since learned how to sort thousands of pieces of paper more effectively and to never, ever underestimate a job. Of course at the same time I have acquired an aching back, strained wrist and strained left chest muscle. Quite a feat. Haven't felt so tired in quite a while.

What's really great about the company is that it has its own vending machine where you can just get a drink from it without paying money. Yes, that's right. You press the small rectangular button and a drink pops out, just like that! Must be heaven for coffee drinkers. Imagine the number of cups of coffee you could have everyday without paying a single cent. Anyway I had 2 cups of milo.

Monday back to the other job.
------------------
I think I'm losing my hearing. Right ear was muffled just recently. If I lose my hearing, I really don't know what I will do. Imagine not being able to hear music or anything, especially when you've been exposed to it a lot and was a band freak.

Quote

Ridzuan on fixing a time with Darren for a late night coffee:

I'll think about the time in 5 minutes time.

On MSN

me: nevermind lah, I'll put you under "cannot" in my list for the time being.
friend: arghh
friend: I'm young and able okay..!!!!
friend: what cannot...

I was considering his eligibility in doing a survey for me.

Because in Red Cross

mum: *hugging Olivia* wah, you put on a lot of weight already leh! Grow so fat during holidays!
olivia: Red Cross (her ECA) mah! Red cross must be fat so that can carry fat people!

Giving it up

I am going to try and resist though the temptation is damn great. It's frustrating. I feel like a caged bird, only that even if I got out of the cage, I would still be enclosed in a cage though the cage is now invisible or just far bigger. Think of a cage within another cage.

In actual fact though, if I allow myself to be caged, it might be good because of the advantages I have - food and water, yet I lose the freedom. On the other hand, if I am free to venture where I wish, go where I want, then there is the problem of finding food and the risk of not surviving.

What I feel frustrating about is that I have tasted that freedom when I once did not, and now I am to give up that freedom again. It isn't literally "freedom" or "bounded" in my case, but the analogy is the same.

Yet to give up this habit/hobby of mine is, I guess, for my own good.

Sigh. Do I really have to?

Aching body

My neck hurts, my back aches terribly, my arms, my hands, wrists, fingertips, muscles around my hips, my inner thighs and my feet, they all hurt!

Sounds like I had a very intense session of sex.

But no! I got all these from 1.5 days of paper sorting. Have to find a more efficient method of sorting papers.

Once you pop, you can't stop

I feel guilty. Kind of.

Can't stop doing what I did not so long ago. I really have to stop but the thought of stopping itself is... saddening.

No regulations, no control. I can't stop, that's why I would rather be by myself. I really can't stop.

Chocolate Ice by Janice

Attraction - Repulsion

Having somebody telling you that he is attracted to you is like taking a drug - it might bring you to a high if your body can take it or it might make you feel so bad you would not even touch the drug again. I don't like either effect.

To me a high means there will always be a low after that. I have learned that well.
To feel so bad about it that you don't ever want to touch the drug again is completely withdrawing from the person. It is repulsiveness and it isn't good because you are forsaking what might be - good friendship or good relationship.

I did not take it badly, which is a good thing. I did not over react (much), which is another good thing. In any case I don't wish to think about it too much because I know what my thinking can lead me to. But I'm frankly glad that things are on the table. Much as I study people's behaviour and thought processes, I don't enjoy guessing another's intention. Reason being *points to brain* I think too much, and thinking too much can lead to undesirable consequences.

I've learned something. Thank you for teaching me though I'm sorry I made you go through it all.

Forgot

.......


I forgot what was it I wanted to blog about.

Harry Potter's "adult version"

Seen at Raffles City, a sign advertising Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows different covers.

Children version

Adult version

Adult version" sounds wrong! You would expect it to be more... *flails arms about a bit*... you know!
-- NTT

Adult version... haha... "Harry whipped out his wand" or "Harry's wand fell out of his pants."
-- Ridzuan

Approximate versions of what they actually said.

Nudity; pain; pain

Itching all over because I forgot to bathe.

Finally gave colleague Hong Yi my blog URL after he bugged me again for it today. I don't really like giving people this URL because it reveals parts of me that I don't exactly want others to know. It's like you're standing naked in front of them and they know your innermost thoughts and your past. There is also this need to maintain that image in front of the person. It's tiring. In virtual reality, I'm mostly outspoken. In reality, I vary. Would rather sit and listen to others talk though. Everybody is different in different places, I believe. Maybe some are the same wherever they go. That's nice, isn't it? Consistency means no identity crisis. You basically know who you are and where you are going.

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I remember when I use to dig my nails into my arms or something.

I don't remember why I do it, don't remember if it relieves anything. Everything is at that moment, kept there, faded.

Actually I can't promise that I won't do it again in the future. It's one thing to say, another to do. When the time comes, nothing else matters except to perform that action. I wonder if to some, it is an addiction. Physical pain is often a confirmation by the person that he/she is real. Physical pain can also be a relief to the emotional pain that he/she feels. Not sure how to explain, but I vaguely remember that it felt good to feel pain. I would just dig them in repeatedly for the pain, on the edge of breaking skin and drawing blood. I never drew blood, just went for the pain.

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So much uncertainty about myself and my ability.

Today I was cleaning boss's room. I squatted and stood up for so many times my knees started to hurt.
It is darn frustrating. The pain is not only physical but to my heart as well. How long before they recover? What if they do not? Does that mean I cannot run anymore? The thought of it saddens me.

What if I cannot run anymore?

Random

When blogging becomes a chore, an obligation. When writing long entries become tiring. A lot of stuff to share but really too lazy to do so. It's one of those times when you feel like just having a little private space, curling up in bed the whole day, staying at home and not moving or just having a nice long walk by yourself.
Crap, in emotional state now. Think it's that time of that month soon. Wonder if I will feel horny again. Have been totally neutral ever since examinations ended and I know somebody who's quite disappointed with that.

I can't sleep, too wide awake. Work tomorrow, have to wake up early.

Good night.