Cadbury's Dairy Milk Marble

The last time it was Hershey's and Maltesers. This time round it is a huge bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk Marble.

*points accusing finger at friend* MZ made me buy. =D Just kidding.
I promised myself I'd buy a different kind of chocolate everytime I went and she suggested that bar.

I found it too sweet, though the texture is nice. A thin outer layer of light-brown-with-white-chocolate over light-brown-with-white-chocolate filling. The outer layer is relatively harder than the filling inside so that when you bite into it after taking it out of the fridge, you can feel the transition from hard, crunchy to instant smooth, marble-like chocolate.

No, I don't suppose they mean "marble" as in rock-hard marble, but rather smooth like marble.

Evenings

That evening the guy on webcam didn't have his pants on.
That evening my father popped his head into my room.

This evening my mother asked if any guy has ever touched my breasts. She said cannot ever do that.
I opened my mouth and I think she was/is still shocked.

Just now a guy asked if he could finger me.
My parents haven't done anything yet.

Randomity

I can spend 40 minutes typing out a long comment on somebody else's blog but not have the time or energy to do as detailed an explanation, argument or post on my own.

Oh the haze condition is so much better already!

And I spent 5 freaking hours on the net yesterday trying to look for pictures for my social psychology presentation because my group member says it is too wordy. I guess the wordy part is right, but I feel that the more important thing is how you get the point across to the audience. If you speak well and get the point across, plus your powerpoint slides are reasonably neat, then I feel that it is fine. Anyway I got my pictures, and some are pretty funny ones so I hope they laugh.

They'd better laugh! I spent 5 hours on the pictures alone!
5 hours for only a few pictures. Damn, I am lousy.

Blog recommendation

I really have to recommend her blog because sometimes she has these marvellous comics that she draws that are really funny. Even Olivia reading it also found it funny. But some of her non-comic posts can get quite long, so be warned.

In any case, here it is: averii.

P/S This has got nothing to do with anybody. I just really liked those comics.

Field of landmines

Time for some action and no talk.
Just that sometimes actions don't really reflect what you feel and people misunderstand.

What a field of landmines!

Centennial Exhibition of Nobel Prize

There is a centennial exhibition of the Nobel Prize at the University Hall in NUS. Because I was a bit cock-eyed, I didn't see the banners and phamplets around in school and only noticed this small board on a pole stuck in the ground (you get what I mean) asking people to "stop here for exhibition". Anyway walking back from science after lecture, I decided to go in for a look and ended up staying there for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

Barely 20 minutes into the whole thing, a girl/lady came up to me and asked if I am a NUS student. When I replied that I am, she said that she's a reporter from campusobserver, a student initiated, NUS online magazine. I saw its posters all over the place, but never quite knew what it was until she told me. And I can't remember the URL of the website. Anyway she interviewed me and I was quite blur, stuttered a lot (this from an arts student). She got me when I was like halfway into the exhibition, JUST BEFORE I entered the most interesting section and where I learnt the most. What a waste, I could have said a lot of wonderful stuff. Apparently I should be quoted on the magazine. I found it a bit odd that she didn't guide me to one side so that she could ask her questions, but instead asked where we were standing, which was right in front of models of items and was kind of blocking others.

I really learnt a lot from the exhibition, like how the nobel prize came about - Alfred Nobel in his will, left much of his wealth to set up this prize. Didn't know that different institutions chose who to give the awards to. There was also this section on the speeches that Nobel laureates in the past gave when they were awarded the prize so I heard Martin Luther King Jr. 's voice, Toni Morrison's and Albert Einstein's voice. There were also theaterettes where videos of past winners were shown. And there was this odd laundry hanging thing where banners of (many many) nobel laureates were hung from, and the banners would move and rotate. It reminded me of those laundry shops where the clothes were already washed and are placed there awaiting pick-up.

In any case, visit this website and look at the prizes awarded this year. Or if you are interested, you can head down to the Lee Kong Chian Atrium at University Hall in NUS to look at the exhibits. It's open till 24th January 2007.

Mondays to Saturdays: 11am - 8pm
Fridays: 11am to 6pm
Sundays and Public Holidays: Closed

Or visit this website for a glimpse of the exhibition and more details.

Just realized because I'm a NUS student, I get free admittance. =D No wonder SH asked how I got in and if I sneaked in. I suppose I'm so small sized that I could have sneaked in, but there weren't a lot of people...

Oh and there was this group of students in green uniform there apparently to tour the exhibits, but it seemed as if they were more interested in the exhibits of soft drink cans outside the Atrium in the vending machine than what was shown in the exhibition itself.

And there were these tiny wooden models of the rooms in the institutions in which people who chose the laureates sat and discussed. The models were so pretty and cute I felt like growing smaller just to go in and take a look. I also saw a cleaning lady taking out her handphone to take a picture of one of the models. =D

At the ungodly hour of 3.50am

This is just to record that I am awake at 3.50am (according to MY clock, not blogger's =p), computer and internet connection running.

Accidentally fell asleep on my bed while taking a "nap" and waiting for my brother to come out of the toilet. Usually my naps take 3 hours. Hehz.

Sleep! *waves*

I saw myself destroy what I desire

An acquaintance who doesn't know the whole story told me "treat it as a lesson" and it is no doubt that I have learnt quite a bit from him, in the process stepping on his toes a number of times. He is the only one besides my family to have seen my ugly sides and what I can or will do under certain circumstances. Actually I didn't know what I would have done in certain circumstances until I've encountered it so now I do know. It isn't pretty and I'm not proud of it.

That is probably why in the process of doing what I did, I have a feeling I lost him as a friend too and I was very scared of that. "Was" because if it's done, then it's done. I can like and hate him at the same time so sometimes I don't even know how I feel, but I know I was very afraid of losing contact with him. Maybe I still am, but I don't want to think of it. Am I shutting away this emotion? Is it a bad thing? I think not, I hope not. Distance might not be such a bad thing.

Am I thinking too much? Maybe. I still can't kick that habit.

So if it is now more normal than normal friends, if things have cooled to an acquaintance level, I have nobody else to blame but myself. A lesson learnt then, maybe.

Or maybe I'm just asking for and thinking too much.

I've apologized so much another sorry don't matter anything. This guilt is mine to bear because I deserved it. Who ask me make so many mistakes. My mother is right, my temperament will be the cause of my failure.
Hopefully work will take my mind off things for as long as it can get.

Retribution?

Maybe it is retribution for making him feel guilty that I now feel guilty as well.

Very, very, very guilty. Really very sorry. Now I understand when people say that they would rather the person scold, scream, shout, hit them than they keep quiet. It's horrible. SH, can you scold me...


I am very scared. Really very very scared.


Then I know what I have to do. I choose to escape. This coward me choose to escape. I can't face anything. I am very scared I will lose myself and my mind. I choose to give it all up. It was already to the point of no return anyway. Excuses. I'm giving it up. I want nothing. Nothing. Give me nothing because when you have more to lose, you fear more.


The last balloon flies.

Double-spacing

I think my friend will be pissed with me for writing this entry but I find the incident very funny, so hope she doesn't mind. She's not the first person to do this either. I once corrected another person last semester on the same matter. Anyway, today I will show you all what lecturers mean when they say your essay has to be double-spaced. This is also for the benefit of those who didn't know and still doesn't know, though considering who reads my blog and the number of people do so (which is pathetically small), almost everybody should know. If you don't know, you don't have to admit, just read this entry. Hehz. =P I'm not laughing at you! I didn't know last time either and hit the enter key twice between each line to get that effect. Oh, DON'T do that either because the spacing is different also.

Double spacing is NOT this:

It is not two spaces between each word, though I thought it does make the whole thing look quite nice.

Double-spacing IS this:


How to get this? If you have already typed out the essay without messing with anything, then do the following:

1) Highlight your whole essay or whichever part you want to be double-spaced.
2) Click on "Format" at the top
3) Click on "Paragraph"
4) Under "Spacing" and "Line spacing", select "double" then click "OK".

Or if you haven't typed your essay, do the same without step 1 so that everything you type from then on is double-spaced.

Bleakness

Things are very simple because that is all there is. When you exhaust what you have in mind, there is just nothing left. When you have only one motive and nothing more, that is the only thing you will do.

Maybe because reality is bleak, that's why people wants to live in fantasy. But maybe if we are really living in a fantasy world, we might find things boring and want things to not go our way just to make life interesting. Human beings are so troublesome.

Is this how life really is for people? Do people feel the same way I do inside? I do not remember how it felt inside in the past, I only know now and now is not nice. I am constantly tired, constantly upset, constantly wanting to go everywhere yet stay at one place as well. My mind fills with things I do not want to remember, my heart can't heal properly. Sometimes I think it is easier if life ends because life seems so bleak. It is going around in circles and I am walking down a path that is already set for me. There seems to be a veil of curtain around me and I don't know where I am heading.

Do everybody feels like me inside? Because life is not very nice.


Rubbish! I have a better life than many out there! I just have to keep thinking positively. Where is the positive side? I don't see...

Very bad feeling

I got a very bad feeling about being stuck at the CAP for 2nd lower class honours. It seems so difficult just to get up there. This is one of those times I feel like just giving up. Don't see the point in studying so hard. Then again, what do I know what studying hard when I can slack and JY can sit down and study for 8 hours straight or don't sleep the whole night at all.

So close to exams. So desperate. I don't know what to do with my statistics module. I really really need to score. I really need 2 As this semester and I don't think I can score with sociology. I've never been good with that subject.

Sigh. Must be sniffed too much of the body odour just now, no appetite for dinner and feeling all out of sorts. I can't even solve simultaneous equations.

banana smell

I know I am very bad to do this but...

There is somebody in AS7's computer lab who has body odour and I have been sniffing it for the past 2 hours or so. It is very terrible and I really feel like puking already.
I think the smell is coming from the guy beside me.

Very happy... to feeling nostalgic

I am very happy today partly because

1) Finished my Science of Music essay. Hopefully it is ok. Managed to cut down to 786 words by cutting out a lot of things. Now that I think of it, like not a lot of stuff from lecture are inside. Die...

2) Finally started my MIDI composition! I have 16 seconds worth of music already! =D But everytime I try to continue playing the tune out on piano, I get a different concept, thus different music, tempo, rhythm, notes everytime. Not sure how I am going to put everything down on paper then down into the programme. If only I can attach a keyboard to my computer and play like that then the computer automatically record the notes...

Ok, now that I've typed it out there doesn't seem much to be happy about.

Anyway I have to thank Jeremy for the MIDI composition thing. No, not because he gave me ideas but because in JC, he showed me that one can just sit down at the piano with no score and just play by simply following your heart. In the beginning it was plain odd and I was darn shy but he encouraged me a lot and inspired me with his playing although he didn't learn the piano. I remember Jenny and I used to head to the hall after PE (what's the name for that?), got backstage and checked out the piano. Both of us ended up playing the piano at different times. That was when Jenny was learning the piano too. I think there were also times when Jeremy, Jenny, me and some others like eric were also there. We'd spend the whole 45 minutes break there. It was at that place, backstage with the grand piano which was slightly out of tune, that I first discovered I could sit and play without a score. I still can do that now. In fact, I do that better than with a score in front of me.

It's exhilarating and you never know what you can come up with next. The bad thing is that once I played it, it's over, so the music only exists once. Each time I play, either something or everything's changed. I don't remember the music I play, I just play with my heart and let my fingers run. Then I forget all about it. There were times at that backstage when I felt like crying while playing and I remember Jenny once told me she felt like that too once when I was playing. "The music's so sad," I think she said. Can't remember.

I miss JC life, I miss my class and I miss the place. Ah well, when I graduate from NUS, I'm probably going to miss the place too.

Damn, this entry started with me being happy and ended with me feeling nostalgic.

Shortest essay

This is my fourth post for today because...

While averii finds it a trouble to squeeze out enough words for her term paper (read it here, here, here, here and here), I'm finding trouble trying to keep my essay within the word limit. I have exceeded already and am trying desperately to find things to cut out, on which I AM TERRIBLY FAILING. In fact, I keep wanting to add stuff in.

Granted, the maximum word length of the essay is only 800 words. =P

This is one of the oddest module I have ever done, but nevertheless, one of the most interesting ones (hey anything with music to me is interesting. Almost. I was just wondering if Yong Siew Toh offers any music modules to us). 800 words determines 25% of your overall grade and I'm supposed to squeeze in 800 words worth of quality ideas, plus introduction and conclusion.

Shit, just realized my current word count is 908 without the conclusion.

This is really one of the shortest essays I have ever written. Where are my scissors... cut cut cut!

Selamat Hari Raya

Despite having talked about this to a malay friend online last night and just now in the morning, I totally forgot about it until now.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Very weird leh

Consider this.

You are a female and you've known this male friend from Secondary one. In Secondary two or three he sat beside you in class. He knows of your irritating habit of tapping out rhythms on school desks unconsciously and has told you to stop before. You are on okay terms with him, afterall he is your friend in class. You are both scoring reasonable grades and you ask him math questions quite often.

Then you get your O-level results and you got into a JC. Coincidentally that friend is in the same JC too. He's pretty smart, getting quite good results. Both of you are in different classes so of course you don't ask him school stuff anymore. Because you both are of the same age and both study quite hard, both of you graduate at the same time. So after that he goes into NS and you go into university.

Then approximately 1 year plus after you both graduate from JC, he MSNs you and asks about university and how psychology is like (by the way I wonder how come everybody seems to know my course of study) because he is considering that course too. So he asks questions and you try to answer those questions to the best of your ability.

At this point I'm beginning to feel a bit odd because I am explaining about university stuff to a friend my age, though I am aware that because he is male, he enters U 2 years later than me. I get the feeling that I'm talking to my younger brother when he was deciding between JC and polytechnic and didn't know what H1, H2, H3 was or what GP consists, only that in this case my younger brother is my age. It's just kind of weird. I mean I have always sort of looked up to these male friends of mine because well some of them are very look-up-to-kind, and then now he come back and ask me questions. It is just kind of odd.

"A Replacement to Writing" indeed

I am writing my essay on Science of Music.

The more I write, the more I feel like I'm blogging on my essay. I hope the lecturer finds my complaints interesting. =D

Miscalculation

Last night I was telling myself that I have a Very Important tutorial at 9am. So I did a mental calculation and set my alarm clock at 7am because I have to reach school at 10am.

This morning I woke up at 7am, feeling very pleased with myself because I managed to wake up the moment the alarm clock(s) rang. I packed my bed very happily indeed and proceeded to the toilet to wash up.

As I was brushing my teeth I was fully aware that I am preparing to go to school for the 9am tutorial and I will be reaching school very early indeed. See, my mind tells me, now is 7pm, later bathe, eat and pack bag, should take about an hour in all, then leave house at 8am, bus journey is about 1.5 hours, I should reach school at 9.30....

KNN! Tutorial is at 9!

I really don't know how I can be so blur.

No, the first two lines aren't wrong.

Just do it

Often when I look at the numbers, I feel an immense sense of helplessness. Yet at other times, they used to speak volumes. Not do as well, yes, but failed, no. I won't let myself fail, I don't care what others say. If others have done it before, then so can I.

engrish.com

From engrish.com.

I didn't quite get the above. If anybody understands, can explain?

Hidden memory

I see.
Then I close my eyes
because
a flood of sensations
come rushing back into me.

For that short while, I remember
the smell, feel and taste.

I revel in it for a while. I wonder
Am I forgotten?

I am not.

Its' departure...

It has been with me for about 6 years. A faithful companion, always supporting me and giving me comfort, always close to my heart. The years has taken its toll on it, and it is now too old. It left me today, never to come back again.










I finally threw away one of my bras.

NTU Student Survey

Featured in tomorrow.sg, found in youtube. Hilarious!



Link.

A talk late at night

Sometimes I marvel at the ease with which people forget a person even if he/she had been a celebrity for a while. Because that's just it. Everything is for the moment. After you are no longer important and you get back your privacy. I guess it's good in a way too, isn't it?

-----------------------
I really enjoyed talking to my cousin. =) Talking to her kinds of eases stress and it's nice to be able to tell somebody your innermost feelings just to sort things out within yourself and to have somebody else's opinion. The same as been going on for YY, though I still feel closer to JY than YY at the moment. I have slightly different relationships with both, probably because of the environments we are brought up in.

Now that I've talked about it with her, I wonder if a career as an experimental psychologist is what I want.

Many, many things

I finally joined NUSPsyche today. When I made the decision, I was happy. Then I learnt something else.






Registration fee is $3. KNN. I didn't know need to pay. Am now a member, might consider entering sub-comm. See how.

On a side-note, I was wondering if the guy at the table for recruiting members refused to look at me because of how I looked today or if it is his usual habit of looking everywhere else but at the person he is talking to. It is very disconcerting.

------------------------------
You know how people say that it is okay to step on grass because they won't die? They are wrong. Imagine everybody steps on them, of course they will die. Where do you think those bare patches of sandy ground admist green grass comes from? The family of grass there decided they didn't like the soil there and decided to migrate?

------------------------------
I saw a very cute and fat mynah today. Yesterday I saw a small and thin one.

I am munching on maltesers like I'm eating fruits. I think I'm almost done with the packet.

------------------------------
The Music Library at NUS is very small but very nice and very quiet.

The toilets even more so - spacious, very clean, quiet and nice smelling. I will go shit there next time. Hehz.

(Losing) weight; MY sun

Congratulate me, because I am officially 42kg (going on 43).

*big grin*

Now I'm back to 3 years ago when I actually feel fat. Ok, I should hit the pool or the gym soon if not I'll really regain whatever I lost last year, which I should be happy about, right? Not exactly. I liked having a flat tummy, where I can kind of see the shape of the abs.
Yar, I can't make up my mind which I prefer. I'm indecisive. Just this afternoon, I spent 10 minutes at the chocolate section in NTUC, trying to decide which one(s) to buy. Had a sudden chocolate craving since yesterday.
You should also note that I made the choice of walking all the way to the mall, which is an approximately 15 - 17 minutes walk away, instead of buying some random chocolate from downstairs because

1) The choices are wider at the mall

2) The prices are lower (by the way, cheers sell their chocolates way more expensive.)

3) I think my legs need more exercise because they are fat

4) The same goes to my body

5) Bascially I think I need to lose weight

Consider the last 3 points and the fact that I bought 2 bars of Hershey's chocolate and an entire bag of Maltesers. And while checking out the name of the bag of chocolates in the fridge, I just ate one more maltesers. Hehz. Oh maltesers are really good! You all have to try them!

Okay, that's it! I'm going to start exercising again!

------------------------
The sun is an orange glob again today, so I decided to share the news with 3 of my friends because well, nobody looks up in the sky to look at the sun, right? Wrong. 2 of them replied that they had seen it already. I guess I could find comfort in the fact that the third friend asked how come like that, but I suspect she had already known.

Damn. I thought I was the one only who noticed it...

...It was supposed to be MY orange-glob-sun.

Racial issues

I skipped school again today. That's erm... don't know how many lessons I skipped. Guess I have been feeling rebellious this semester. I've been skipping a lot of lessons recently, all lectures of course. In fact, I skipped more lessons in this semester than I did for the last x number of years I've been studying. Oh and I've been getting increasingly flabby. Don't know if there's increase in weight, though. For those who don't know, I've been trying to put on weight for some time. Putting on weight is weird. Knowing that I can now pinch the flesh of my stomach without only pinching the skin is odd. Feeling my shorts tighten against me as I sit down is even worse.

I feel like I need to lose weight.

----------------------------
Yesterday during psychology statistics lecture, lecturer asked for an example which should be highly correlated with IQ. He directed the question at a girl and the girl replied after a while,

"Race."

The whole LT kind of giggled, but I couldn't really bring myself to. Lecturer replied that the issue's kind of sensitive while smiling. To me, the issue isn't funny at all. It is like discrimination in progress already, to judge a person's IQ based on his/her race/ethnicity. In order for her to mention that idea on the very first try suggests how much of it is ingrained in her. At age 20 or older, how could she make such a comment? Does she not know that there is no such relationship between a person's race and IQ and that to have suggested these two are highly correlated is absurd.

I don't know if I'm overreacting to this incident but it really irks me. Plus that the whole LT giggled. Ok, so maybe if they didn't giggle the atomosphere might have been scary, but I expected the lecturer to correct that concept. Instead he only said "How so?... Ok, don't say, this issue is sensitive," then he giggled too. Does he also believe that members of other races are not as smart as some others?

I think PM Lee said something about this issue too. If I'm not wrong, his words portrayed that he is not exactly, pardon me, non-racial discriminating. My impression only, you all can go find out his speech yourself. I can't remember where.

I really don't like it at all.

too large? pun (un)intended

Please tell me if this blog has been loading very slowly since last night. I tried accessing it from school today but it started to not respond. Was afraid I would cause the entire school's network to crash or something because of the pictures, but it's loading fine on my computer here. So if there's something wrong with it on your side, drop me a comment...
Wait a minute, if there's something wrong, most probably your computer would have crashed already or something and can't leave a comment...
haha, oh well. I'll just try and edit the pictures.


edit:
Feedback says that loading is laggy. I've temporarily removed the picture post so that nobody's computer will crash. =) Temporarily. Will try to edit and put it back on when I have time. Note that usually when I say temporarily it will take quite long. =P None of my pictures anyway, so shouldn't matter =D Ok, too many smiley faces.
Here's a picture to make up for it. Have fun:

Tsk! Men, don't watch too much porn!

Did Singapore turn into Genting?

Yesterday I was at the airport. Today I thought I was in Genting, looking around me. Only that it wasn't cold.

Then I must have been too tired and was dreaming because

1) there was a nice white, translucent veil all around me. Barely 10 metres away and it looked as if the others are all from another world;

2) I could actually see that the sun is a big orange glob in the sky. I thought it was the early moon at 4.30pm;

3) I keep coughing for no reason.

Odd. In my dream MZ had lunch with me at macdonald's and I skipped social psychology lecture to do my lab report.

Oh yar, I forgot, it's not a dream, it's the haze. And actually I was not coughing for no reason because I wasn't actually coughing but hearing others coughing and looking at the haze around me made me feel like coughing which actually I didn't feel like but feel obligated to cough because the haze is all around me and if I didn't cough it'd be kind of odd and actually just thinking about all of the little smoke particles in the air around me and me breathing it in, through my nostrils and into my lungs is kind of difficult not to make me cough *cough*. There, I just coughed again.

=D

Too many smoke particles, time to dig nose.

*cough cough cough*

Very serious rant

Let me rant. Thank you. You all can skip this and go straight to the bottom. I think it's going to get a little naggy and boring. Just pretend that you all read through it and leave a comment or two or something.

[rant]
Because the damn crux of the whole matter is that I still have feelings for him, no matter how little and that I don't care if I hurt anybody anymore because I hurt people too much so it doesn't matter how much hurt I have inflicted, I should continue to do what I like. I will flare up when I like, accuse when I like, voice my opinion whenever I want, talk back when I'm not happy, talk nonsense when I'm in the mood to and all that other stuff.
Because he doesn't have the habit of initiating conversations and he would only intiate it with me when I have something provoking in my nick or that there is promise of dirty talk or it is because of that stupid I'm-hurt-and-upset stuff (that "I" means me), or something I put in my blog regarding guys.
Because I don't know how to ask him out for meals anymore, because I know he will reject, because it seems to me as if only promise of something physical will get him out, because I want to see him, because when we talk recently there is always a sexual connotation beneath everything. Because I want the physical thing also and I would "hunt" anybody who can give it to me. Because it is a combination of wanting to see and talk to him, wanting it myself and wanting to talk to anybody. No, it is wanting to talk to him only. Because it sucks loving somebody and I don't ever want to fall in love again. I don't care what you all say about standing up and not letting this get to me. Right now all of that is rubbish. Some people will find their love, some people won't and I belong to the latter because looking at my personality and my temperament, I won't ever find anybody and it's might as well. I don't want to please anybody. Cut the crap.
Because I know it is all my fault and that he's right about feeling like a toy because I did use him when I felt horny and I'm feeling kind of sorry about that. Also because I feel quite like a slut for being horny and kinda seducing a couple of guys, including him. Because I don't know what to do now. Because I feel like I should step off the curb in front of a lorry or a bus. Because I'm freaking closing my mind and I'm studying psychology and I don't see a link between these two points.
I have a lot of things haven't do and I feel pressured by society. Don't you all ever feel pressured my society too? Why is everything a circle? Spotty, horrible circles. I want to go and walk and walk. I want to go and run also but I don't have time to go gym. I want to go gym on weekday mornings because there is nobody there to watch me exercise except my own reflection in the mirror.
I know I can't expect anybody, what's more him, to come out with me or bow down to my requests and that would be stupid. And I know that he will feel guilty after reading this freaking post but like I said, I don't care anymore because what's the point of caring and thinking and minding.
And how come the older I get, the more moodswings I have?
And it really really suck knowing that I can make him angry even when we're only friends. And I don't know if he's angry or not, but he's pissed for sure. Is pissed equals to angry?
And I'm a horrible person. You all should stop reading this blog and post comments like "You suck!" and " I won't come back here again!"

No no, don't do that last thing! I depend on you all coming back here to read!

I think I'll stay back in school late a couple more days again just to get things done and watch some more campus concerts or something. At least they take my mind off stuff and give me something else to do besides facing the books.

And it SUCKS ok! Sucks knowing that I can't have his heart. And it doesn't suck knowing that I won't have anybody else's heart. And it sucks watching couples hold hands and kiss and laugh together like at the airport today. I've taken to watching them and thinking that they're stupid to go into a relationship and then laugh at them in my head. Especially for married couples, I laugh at them louder for stupidly going into a marriage. haha.

And it sucks going on the bus almost every freaking day alone. Actually it isn't so bad going home alone. Don't have to start conversation and I can sleep. Usually I spend the whole 1.5 hour trip sleeping from one end to the other.

And I want to close my room door with nobody at home and cry very very loudly until I feel better. And I'm a weakling and cannot handle problems. And I'm not like him can take everything in and still be able to live. I'd probably explode after taking in 1/1,000,000 of what he took in from everybody around him. And I'm sorry I had to contribute to part of that 1,000,000. But what do I care? But I'm sorry anyway. Sorry, SH.

And everything is my fault! I hate myself.

I need to go run.

I don't want to go school.
[/rant]

Thanks for (pretending) to read through all of that.

till wednesday

Sorry, no time to blog recently. Been really busy. Have essays, MIDI and lab report to do. It'd all have been done in a few hours time, if my brain was awake. Unfortunately, it is not. Give me till Wednesday! By then I'll be (mostly) free.

One of those times

This is one of those times when I feel like I can't live without him and that's really, really stupid. Like really stupid.

Ok, back to deciphering my mid-term question.

Depressing

It was horrible last night at home and I don't feel good about it. So last night I added him back on MSN, in the hope that he was there. I needed comfort and I needed to talk about it. I don't know why but I turned to him. Pretty stupid of me. He wasn't online though.

Just now he was there and I told him what happened, yet I turned away his help. Sorry for my abrupt leaving. I didn't want any preaching, didn't want any tips, any discussions, any explanations for my behaviour or thinking. I just needed to rant and somebody to listen to my ranting. I needed comfort and I needed a hug, that was all. I know I shouldn't have looked for those from him, though him was all I wanted and needed now. I know his words are true, but I don't want to listen to them now. I'm sick of advice and what's "right" to do. I was feeling pissed off over everything so I left. Then when I came back online he was already gone and for an unknown reason, I began to cry.

The older I grow, the more resistant I am to advice and I'm only 20. What use is education when I close my mind? Don't tell me "then open up". It is now closed, very stubbornly closed.

I don't know why but I feel trapped in this society, maybe in this world? It's like going in a circle, only that for different individuals there are different sort of circles. I'm living a life that is already planned for me. It doesn't matter what you do, whether or not you follow your dreams, because in the end it comes a full circle and you are back at the beginning. To me, we have little control over our lives. It just goes on and on and on... on a path already mapped out.

Horrible spotty circles

What you feel, what you see, what you do, your problems, your happiness, how much of these are results of your own decisions? Very little. A lot of times it is the cause of society, or the cause of situations. How much of me is me? Education is depressing.

When you have 2 or more relatives who have either gone through depression or stepped to the edge of it, it doesn't really help when you feel like you are going to be one of them too.
Nah, I'm just thinking too much.
I remember JY once said that she was standing on the edge of the road and realized how simple it was to just end life by stepping out onto the road in front of a fast approaching vehicle. I remember she said that at that time she hugged her bag very tightly and stood far away from the edge of the divider because she didn't want to die.
I stood and watched a bus went by.

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I don't have diarrhoea. Managed to hold my shit back up. =)

diarrhoea

I think I'm having diarrhoea.

cultural relativism

Cultural relativism is the belief that all cultures have equal value.

SC1101 textbook speaks of moderate cultural relativism. So... all cultures are equal, but some are more equal than others?

Arousal

Just got another guy aroused online...

I'm perverted.

Due to unforseen circumstances...

Last friday I signed up for talk named "Overview of addictions" which includes internet addiction, something I am concerned about and interested in.
Today I received an email:

Please note that due to unforeseen circumstances arising from the speaker’s
side, the talk “Overview of Addictions” scheduled this Fri (13 Oct) has been
cancelled.

Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

I need to access the internet every break, every time I see a computer, everywhere I go. There was once my computer broke down and it got so bad for me I had to go to the library at the mall to use the internet. I went there everyday for a whole month just to use the net for 15-30 minutes. Without the computer and the internet, I was listless, couldn't do anything, couldn't sit and paced the room for no particular reason.

Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

Sure, not a problem, it's just a probability of having internet addiction.


Sorry, I'm just easily frustrated recently.

shoe

The first thing friend says when he clicks on my name to start a conversation:

Fat Green Pipe says:
I bought my shoe I bought my shoe!

5 seconds later:

I bought my shoe i bought my shoe says:
hahaha now Im too broke to go see a doc for my stomach

I am speechless. But I reckon his stomach will heal on its own. Our bodies have natural healing properties.

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