NUS - New S/U system - to vote

For all NUS students out there who deleted their NUSSU emails before opening them, tsk, seriously, you all should at least look through it. Some of the stuff are really important.

Alright, NUSSU sent an email regarding our S/U option. If you are admitted into NUS prior to AY2007/08 and have deleted the email, please do read this.

If you do not yet know, the year ones, that is students admitted in AY2007/08, are able to exercise their S/U option only after receiving their results.

Freak. KNN. KNS. Fuck.

Of course there is the flip side. This also means that they are unable to exercise their S/U options in the year they file for graduation. I'm not sure what happens if a student files for graduation in the second semester instead of the first of their final year, because then one would technically be able to use the S/U in the first semester since he/she has not yet filed for graduation.

Anyway, we are to vote through IVLE from 30th August, which is today, to 4th September, Tuesday, on whether or not we'd like the new implementation of the S/U option to be extended to us. Results of this vote is not the only determinant of whether or not it will be extended but will be taken into consideration. Well, if the extension or non-extension of the new system affects you in any way, I'd urge you to vote.

Personally I guess I'm going to vote for non-extension, but I think it is a very individual thing which vary from case to case. If it does extend to us, I think I'm going to suffer like hell in my if-it-exists honours year. Like Yanwei says, there's no win-win situation. You win some, you lose some. So whether or not the system is extended to us, some of us will gain, some of us will lose.

Here's the email quoted in its full entirety:

Dear fellow students,

S/U Option System +Distribution of Welfare Diary + NUS Breakers

I trust all of you are warming-up to getting back to studying again. Many of you have recently voiced concerns about the differential treatment given between students who have just matriculated this year and the current senior students with regards to the University's S/U Option System. A meeting was arranged with the NUS Board of Undergraduate Studies on 23 August 2007 to enquire about the rationale behind this differential treatment.

S/U Option System

The Satisfactory/Unsatisfactory (S/U) option is intended to encourage students to pursue their intellectual interests, without undue concern that exploring a new subject area may affect adversely their CAP.

For modules graded on an S/U basis, students will receive credit towards the degree only if they attain a 'Satisfactory' (S) grade. An 'S' grade is assigned if a student receives a 'C' grade or above for the module. Conversely, students will receive an 'U' if the grade obtained is lower than a 'C' grade. The S/U option, once exercised, will be irrevocable for the module.

Up to 12 MCs may be taken on an S/U basis during a student's candidature, subject to the maximum number of MCs that may be excluded from the computation of CAP.

The S/U option is not applicable to modules taken to meet Faculty, Major, Minor, or University Scholars Programme (USP) requirements.

Students admitted prior to AY2007/08 are required to exercise the S/U option for a module between Week 6 and the end of the Recess Week. The decision is considered final on the first day of Week 7 of the instructional period of the semester.

Students admitted from AY2007/08 onwards will exercise their S/U option after the results are announced for any module that permits the S/U option. However, these students will not be allowed to exercise the S/U option on modules taken in their graduating semester (which is the semester in which they file for graduation).

A survey and forum will be set-up on the IVLE to gather feedback from the students on the reviewed S/U option policy. We would like to find out the views of the students on the reviewed policy and surface the results of this survey to the NUS Board of Undergraduate Studies. The results of the survey will be taken into consideration as to whether the reviewed policy will be extended to students admitted prior to AY2007/08. As the survey will only be opened from 30th August 2007 to 4th September 2007, please complete the survey as soon as possible, encourage your friends to do the same and help spread the word around. Your views matter!!

Distribution of Welfare Diary

We will be distributing the NUSSU Welfare Diary from 30th - 31st August, 1030 - 1700 at the main entrance of Yusof Ishak House near the NUSSU Service Centre. Do come down and get a copy if you have not already done so.

NUS Breakers

We would like to thank all students who came down to support this record-breaking event. We managed to fold 10056 cranes this time round. This achievement would not have been possible without your support!! Thank you once again!!

Warmest Regards,

Tay E Teng

President

Executive Committee

28th NUSSU Council

I'm so nice, even added in the Welfare Diary and NUS Breakers part.

My friend just scolded me for being biased against the Dragon babies. I can't find it in myself to apologize because I am damn jealous of them. Sigh. Lucky babies, yet also unlucky in other ways. Facing huge competition with fellow course mates, but liked by the older generation because of the year they are born in. Not like us tigers, viewed by some of the older ones as jinxes and undesirable. Not to mention that we're fierce too. Oh, my batch is the fiercest of the lot, if I'm not wrong.

I bite. Literally. *grin*

Okok, with each batch comes a different set of challenges, I should stop being biased. Easy to say, difficult to do. Sigh.

on MSN

Benison: yo steph, can I have your address please?
me: Why??
Benison: cos I want to drop by in an army uniform
me: Are you serious!
Benison: nahh of course not.. haha
Benison: I'm applying for a US visa and I need to put down the names of two people who can confirm my personal details
me: chey

Can't believe he actually did that. The really stupid thing is that I actually believed him for a while there, already had an image of him at my doorstep in his uniform and was also mentally constructing a reply telling him that it's ok and he don't need to do that.

Benison is a friend of mine from JC.

Song - 1963 by Rachael Yamagata

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Baby, I'm stuck in the middle and I don't know why
Find the words you sing to me
Sweeter than the words of the bird in the sky
Oh, the days you came around
I feel so good for me
I can take most anything
'Cause what you bring

I find it to be magical (hey)
I feel like I'm loving you in 1963 (hey)
Flowers in my hair now (hey)
Little bitty hearts upon my cheek
Baby, you'll be on my mind
'till I kiss you next time

Baby, come on, take a ride in my little blue bug
Keep the windows down
Don't forget to celebrate the radio's up
Oh, the way you hold my hand
There is no other way
We could take a thousand walks
And laugh all day

I find it to be magical (hey)
I feel like I'm loving you in 1963 (hey)
Flowers in my hair now (hey)
Little bitty hearts upon my cheek
Baby, you'll be on my mind
'till I kiss you next time

I find it to be magical (hey)
I feel like I'm loving you in 1963 (hey)
Flowers in my hair now (hey)
Little bitty hearts upon my cheek
Baby, you'll be on my mind
'till I kiss you next time

Magical (hey)
I feel like I'm loving you in 1963 (hey)
Flowers in my hair now (hey)
Little bitty hearts upon my cheek
Baby, you'll be on my mind
'till I kiss you next time

Hey, hey, I find it to be magical (hey)
Hey, hey, I feel like I'm loving you in 1963 (hey)
Hey, hey, I got flowers in my hair (hey)
Hey, hey, little bitty hearts upon my cheek...

Can't help wishing... Stop! No more thinking about it.

Double Ds

I'm too dependent and too desperate. I'm frustrating the heck out of myself. Cannot be like this! Need to learn to be more patient and more independent.

Quotes

I feel quite screwed up.

-----------------
My brother brought his non-girlfriend home again today. They're still here now.

Me to him before Olivia and I headed out for a while,

Don't hanky-panky ah!

Olivia was very curious,

olivia: What is donkey-donkey?
me: er... nothing lah.
olivia: orh, I know! Like molest right?
me: Haha, yar lah!
olivia: (starts singing something along the lines of honkey-donkey or donkey-donkey)
me: It's "hanky-panky", not "donkey-donkey"!

你在哪儿？

为什么寻找爱会这么辛苦？我会找到我的“他”吗？我们在一起会高兴吗？我有属于自己的一个“他”吗？我能爱吗？
总觉得“爱”是件好恐怖的事。我不明白为什么会爱一个人，为什么会要找那个特别的人，可是我想爱和被爱。如果有个“他”，我想找属于我的那个“他”。

不知道他现在在哪儿，不知道他是谁，可是我希望他现在过得好，活得快乐。

So cliche, but doesn't this sound like the phrase "I loved you before I met you"? Whoever you are, I love you now and I'm waiting for the day I meet you.

Think Big - Quote

Flight by machines heavier than air is insignificant, if not utterly impossible.

– Simon Newcomb, 1902

"May I have your I/C?"

me: I just went to 7-11 and bought a bottle (of alcohol) and the person asked for my I/C. Do I look so young?
Chu Wen: Yes you do.
me: -_-'''
me: What's the legal age? 18?
Chu Wen: Alcohol 18
me: I look younger than 18 meh!
Chu Wen: uh, ya, you look like a JC girl.

I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed or not because I now look 3 years younger than my age rather than 2, which has been the norm for some time.

And it's only freaking 8% of alcohol. One can't get drunk from 8%. Ok, my friend probably can but I indignantly refuse to say that it has an effect on me.

note: this post was written while drinking the said bottle of 8% alcohol. I am very bugged by that 8%.

on gchat

me: I feel wide awake now though I should sleep coz I have school tomorrow but I haven't read my notes so perhaps I should stay up to read my notes.
friend: sleep or stay awake?

me: stay awake I guess.

friend: so u have decided to study lah. Good good.

me: haha, yeah.

A while later,

me: shucks, I'm tired now.
friend: ...

friend: your determination lasted 10 minutes

friend: bravo

Think Big - Quote

A possibility was born the day you were born and it will live as long as you live.

– Marcus Solero

That round round thing

olivia: You know right, when you use the round round thing to look at the leaf right, you can see (something).
me: What round round thing?
olivia: The round round thing... Like when words are very small then cannot see then you use...
me: Orh! Magnifying glass! Olivia, "magnifying glass", not "round round thing"!

Jeremy's 21st birthday

Happy 21st Birthday, Jeremy!

You're a great friend to have,
a great musician to play with,
and a budding artist.
It is a pleasure to have known you,
played and studied with you.
Ok, maybe not the study part. =P
In any case, here's wishing you good health
and, cliche as it sounds,
May your dreams come true.

Adult already, remember don't procrastinate too much hor!

It was Jeremy's 21st birthday party today. His birthday really is on Monday. Met YZ at her house, which was the block right beside his, first before going over together. We were trying to decide what to write on the nice perfumed-and-spotted-with-little-hearts-here-and-there bear card. By the way, I bought the card from shop "Specky 'n' Frenz". Cards have horrible english, but design was too interesting to resist. YZ said later that I was screaming in her room. I refuse to admit to that. I just happen to have a loud voice. Feel embarrassed for the possibility of having shocked YZ's grandmother and aunt by being very loud in her room. I hope they don't ban her from meeting me in the future.

One other thing to mention before moving on to the birthday party. YZ speaks to her grandmother entirely in Chinese while her grandmother speaks to YZ entirely in hokkein. I found it immensely amusing and was grinning all the way. I spoke to her grandmother in halting hokkein. Been a long time since I used a dialect properly. There's something special about speaking in a dialect that I really like. Maybe it's because a lot of young people have since lost the knowledge of a dialect, or maybe it is just me being nostalgic.

50 minutes of excruciating pain, caused by deciding what to write on the card and conversing with Pearlin on the phone, later, we finally headed to Jeremy's block. His party covered 3 levels - the void deck where the food is, and the other 2 levels of his house. I saw AJ band people there but didn't opt to join them partly because I didn't want YZ to feel left out and also partly because I don't mix quite well with them. Instead, I waved a brief hi to them, got our food, very accidentally found my class people at a table behind a pillar and joined them. Am glad that YZ wasn't bored by our incessant chatter. She said that she was entertained by them, which I could understand because they were really very funny.

Ping Yong: Actually I once tried to read the dictionary.
us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.................
Ping Yong: But I gave up in the middle of "A".
Cheston: You actually read till the middle of "A"! You say "Z", I still can accept, but section "A" is quite big leh!
us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.................
Ping Yong: But after I read, I've forgotten everything.
Cheston: hahaha, yar, I can tell, because you haven't used more "A" words when talking to me.

Jie Qi, Jiemin and Pearlin finally arrived and I hung around with them.

JQ: ok, we give this (at this point she indicates the number $28 with her fingers, one hand 2 fingers, the other 3)
Pearlin: this lah (indicates some number with her fingers)
YZ: like that ah? (indicates more numbers with her fingers)
me: (Blinking rapidly) oi, can you all slower or not? I need to count the fingers leh.
JQ: ...
JQ: Wah lao, you speak a different language lah! You're not supposed to count! (shows me the fingers again)
me: (Looks blankly for a bit) Oh, 28 ah? Haha, I thought is 5...

Jeremy finally herded us up to his place. We first headed up to his room to place Pearlin's stuff and was greeted by a whole sea of AJ band faces in his very tiny room.

Individually, the people in this group are mostly nice people, but as a group, they are really quite intimidating. Group cognition. Sometimes I am very irritated by them because they have the habit of excluding people who are not with them. I think I simply don't fit in, not only with them but also with AJ band as a whole.

Anyway, I very quickly entered and exited the room a couple of times to put and retrieve some stuff (including the large card) without making eye contact with anybody except for Jocelyn who was helping me. Then the 4 of us settled down on the stairs and assured Jeremy that we were very comfortable where we were, as long as nobody goes down and nobody goes up. Only problem now is that we became our own obstacles when wanting to walk down the stairs. Ok, only I was walking around, so they were my obstacles. Settled some gift stuff with Jiaxing and Elim who were both not present at the party and then spent most of the time watching Campus Superstar. There was a lot of dissatisfaction about the young boy winning.

Finally it was time to take pictures with the birthday boy. Weird thing was that we took pictures before we sang the birthday song. Anyway the cake was awesome. It was not just one cake, it was many cakes...

... many cup-cakes.

FYI, all of them were made by his mother and decorated by his sister. Awesome creativity in the family. His mother do sells cakes too, so if you would like to have those cupcakes for some event or a cake for a birthday, you might want to consider contacting them. Heh, but I'm afraid you would have to go through me first. Not that I'm earning fees but because I have no idea how to contact the mother directly or what is the usual route of communication. I'll simply tell Jeremy, who will then ask his mother. So, email me!

I am in 3 of the pictures they took - SPU, class and band.

Then we sang him his birthday song. The particular group of AJ band people were all stuck upstairs and didn't come down to sing. Instead, they sang upstairs and Kailin took a video of them that way. I thought it was really quite rude of them and who knows it might have hurt Jeremy in a way, but that's not for me to say because if he think that it's fine then so be it. It is his house, his room and his party.

It was 11pm when we decided to leave. Had a great time there with Pearl, YZ, Jie Qi and Jiemin. Best thing is we didn't take a single picture together using our phones. Great. I'll only meet Pearl and YZ again only don't know how long later.

Kailin, Jeremy's girlfriend, was exhausted. It was all over her face. It was so sweet of her to help out. When I left, I told her to take care and rest well, then told Jeremy that he had better repay her. He replied yes of course, will do it now and then proceeded to hug her =D

Gosh, I'm so envious of them! Yet as I look at them, I realize that I am unable to envision myself in that kind of scenario, as part of a normal couple. It seems so natural to be the way I am now that once again, the idea of being in a relationship thrills yet scares me immensely. Yes there is the yearning to have somebody special at last, somebody I can depend on (does it actually even exist?) but I am also oddly glad that I am single, free of the need to deal with the complicatedness of the dynamics between a couple. Maybe, just maybe, I'm meant to be like this.

Now I'm home and blogging and it's 2.30am. Sigh. I sleep later and later every weekend.

Think BIg - Quote

The ability to succinctly express an idea is virtually as important as the idea itself.

– Bernard Baruch

There's got to be more

There's meant to be something more! I know there is! Things can't be just like that.

Think Big - Quote

You have to play a long time to be able to play like yourself.

– Miles Davis

Touched

I know I'm being utterly naive, but well, at least I'm a tad less naive than I was when I first stepped into the university.

Through a mutual acquaintance/friend (my friend, his acquaintance), I got to know that web-cam-guy learned that I had blocked him on MSN and he had been enquiring about me through my friend. It's always nice to know that there is a guy looking for you so, coupled with curiosity, I decided to unblock him. I won't elaborate on what happened, just that he did what he has always done.

Then he started giving me serious advice on how to spend my last couple of years in university, asked if I will be getting attached any time soon and then offered advice on guys in general.

Not sure how to put down my thoughts on this, let me see what I can do.
I've never thought that somebody I got to know purely for the reason of online sexual interest would ever proceed any more than just that, however little past the line. What struck me was that for once he actually gave me serious advice about life and not offering to teach me how to do a proper blowjob/handjob. He said he was telling me all these because I'm a nice girl. It was almost like an elder brother giving advice to his younger sister.

Almost.

Only that elder brothers don't masturbate on web-cam to a younger sister. Only that I blocked him again once the conversation was over, fully aware that this might be the only time we would ever talk like this.

I think I'm still too naive because now I have a better opinion of him and I would hope that conversations in the future (if there are) might be a little more non-sexual when in actual fact it will never be like that. When a relationship between two persons veer even slightly towards sex and the such, there will always be that overtone.

I was really touched by what he said and the fact that he even bothered to dish out serious advice to a mere girl online.

You're a nice girl.
I'm a nice girl who watches you masturbate?!
Hahaha, THAT's another issue altogether!

I've been good for a really long time. Maybe I've always been good. I think I like being good.

Letter Read - by Rachael Yamagata

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My love, my love, my love, how could you do this to me
My love, my love, my love, you were supposed to be
And I shouldn't have to tell you to explain yourself
My love, my love, my love, how could you do this to me
My love, my love, my love, you're not enough for me
And I shouldn't have to tell you to explain yourself

But all I have is your letter read
And I cannot get it out of my head
And I'm afraid, and I can't breathe,
And I'm in love with you
But you are not with me
And I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie

My love, my love, my love, how could you do this to me
My love, my love, my love, you're not enough for me
And I shouldn't have to tell you to explain yourself
But all I have is your letter read
And I cannot get it out of my head
And all I have is your letter read,
And I cannot get it out of my head

'Cause I'm afraid, and I can't breathe,
And I'm in love with you
But you are not with me
'Cause I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie

Time passes by while I wait for your call
Time passes by; I hear nothing at all

And I'm afraid, and I can't breathe,
And I'm in love with you
But you are not with me
And I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie

I'm afraid, and I can't breathe, and I'm in love with you
But you are not with me
And I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie
I'm afraid, and I can't breathe, and I'm in love with you
But you are not with me

Think Big - Quote

Status-quo seekers are so busy protecting “what is” that they no longer see “what can be”.

– Unknown

Random

Dear God (any God),

If you exist, could you make my life a little bit easier this semester? I know I'm pretty dumb already, perhaps reaching for things I'm not able to succeed at, but it would be nice if school went well this semester.

Never mind that I can't get my 6th module because that is really my fault. Could have passed that dammit module that semester and saved a lot of trouble. But now I can't get either of Trauma Psychology's tutorial slots, the only two which I can fit into my timetable, and can only clinch a Friday slot for my Adolescence Psychology, turning my 4-day week into a 5-day one. I probably would not have minded if there was a lecture on Friday but there isn't and I spend more time travelling to and fro school compared to the duration of the tutorial. In fact, it isn't just on Friday, it happens every Tuesday and every alternate Monday and Thursday.

This is a seriously screwed up year for me. Somehow I've expended my energy somewhere else. I don't even know where I expended it on. I don't have the energy to deal with appealing for tutorials slots or modules. So tiny things, but I don't have the energy to deal with it. I think it's so true, what somebody once said, that I would not know what the word "business" means, because I'm so small. I think I'm so small, so small that at one point I didn't think I was worth living. I thought that if I died, the world would be a better place.

When I pray and offer joss sticks, recently I don't wish for good results or that everything would go well. All I pray for is my health because I believe that if I have my health, then I can do everything. I had so much faith in myself, where did it all go?

OK, END OF LETTER TO GOD. I CAN'T STAND WRITING THIS KIND OF THING TO GOD OF ANY KIND.

But I can continue rambling, right?

One day I just realized I didn't know what I was doing nor what I want. Worst of all, I doubt my own capabilities and I don't even trust myself.

Today I was sitting at an empty table on my own when this guy came over and asked if he could sit at the other end. I had this compulsion to make his acquaintance firstly because he looks my age, secondly he looks like a year one, and also simply because I would like to have a guy, somebody special. It was so rubbish I was raising eyebrows at myself inside of myself. Yar, finally I think I can handle the mere idea of having a relationship. I can see my friends jumping up and down or grinning widely at the screen. For so long they have thought that my ideas on relationships are weird when I thought they were perfectly reasonable though a bit questionable. In case you don't know, friend, you look very weird, grinning at the screen. For some rubbish reason, I also have this feeling that the next guy will be it, the final somebody. Then again, maybe not. *shrug* Have to keep my mind off disappointments.

I don't even know why I'm writing this entry. I've been talking about relationships so much that I'm sick of it. Would you all like to hear about my lectures and who snored in class?

If scratching could scratch out that freaking horrible bit in me I keep feeling, I would have done so.

Ok, have to get down to studying. Reminded that tomorrow have to go to IKEA to see if they have those small little tables, some mats and cushions. Have been wanting those for ages.
Now I feel positively better after writing this whole thing though there really isn't much value in it all.

Think Big - Quote

I never think about why something hasn’t been done already – but why nobody has done it right.

– Marcia Kilgore

Message; Aimei

Taking a page from dearest Aimei's book (or blog),

Dear Stephanie,
Believe in yourself, because if you don't, then nobody else will.
Love yourself, because if you don't, then they won't.

Lovely girl, she. Aimei's going to Korea for Student Exchange. I wish she'll have a good journey, take good care of herself, learn lots and have lots of fun!

See you when you come back! =)

Oh, she's got an interesting blog, too. Posts are always meaningful, especially the little notes at the end she writes to herself.

Realization

Realization comes, in one swift movement, bringing me back to ground. It has never changed. Inside, it is still the same thing I wanted. Never mind that there will all that stuff which I fear because I guess all of it isn't really that bad.

-----------------
ARGH, I mis-read the timing in the SMS! Got to go prepare for show at NTU now!

Think Big - Quote; Addiction

The lure of quantity is the most dangerous of all.

– Simone Weil

It isn't exactly what Simone Weil meant, but there are times when not experiencing somethings are better than when you do because then when you realize how nice they are, you start to want more of it. It's like a black hole of desire. The wait for the next time you can experience that sensation (under acceptable circumstances) can be excruciating, so there is the possibility of turning to obtain it under not so desirable conditions. Sounds like drugs. Yeah, addiction.
Maybe it isn't just addiction.

Quote

You can have great ideas, know what you want and need to do. But without action, it will never be done.

- tstar

An Animated Proposal

Saw this on youtube.

I produced this animation as a way of proposing to my girlfriend (now wife) Natasha. I assembled a team of 20 animators to assist me, including co-workers, as well as students from my 3D character animation class at the Art Institute of California-San Francisco. We created more than four minutes of animation in just three months. When it was completed, I surprised Natasha by bringing her to the Parkway Movie Theater in Oakland, where they played the animation on the big screen in front of over 100 of our friends and family. The entire event was filmed for the TLC television show "A Perfect Proposal."

Link

It is so sweet that I actually teared! Do you think a girl can do this as well?

Girlfriend

Was out with Pearlin and LY yesterday afternoon. It felt damn good to be out of the house and hanging out with them. Never thought I'd actually enjoy just being out of the house. Besides, yesterday was also one of the most surprising/shocking/funniest day for me in a while.

I saw my brother and the-girl-whom-he-denies-is-his-girlfriend at a food court.

I saw him about 10 metres away and decided to call his phone.

me: Are you at Parco Bugis now?
him: How you know?!
me: Are you at the foodcourt now?
him: Where are you?!
me: Are you in front of the Korean cuisine?
him: Where are you???!!!

He spotted me after I gave him directions on where to look and I started waving frantically in the middle of the crowd at him.

me: So she's your girlfriend ah?
him: uh aiya hmm hmm *makes some sounds here and there*
Repeats these 2 lines several times, punctuated with him telling me sheepishly to shut up and at one point asking if I'm with my boyfriend. Tsk, him ah, should know that I have a little (more than him anyway =P) bit more experience in denying stuff like this and making it seem as natural as anything. Was with Pearl though, so no need to act here.
him: You don't tell mummy (that I'm out with her/have a girlfriend) ah!
me: Did you tell mummy that you're going out or not?
him: Oh shit, I forgot leh!
me: You better call her and tell her lor.
him: You don't tell mummy ah!!!!

After which he disappeared from the crowd, presumably to eat somewhere else where he can hold her hand without his elder sister's constant gaze burning holes through them. Tsk, brought her home twice already and still deny she's his girlfriend. Then I started imagining my brother kissing the girl... I think I sat there for a while with my face all scrunched up at that mental image. My little brother grow up liao. Amazing, shocking, surprising, all at the same time.

I then told Pearlin that I hope they don't break up before A-levels. Of course it'd be good if they don't break up at all because the girl seems like a nice person.

Great, now relatives will ask me the reason for the absence of a strong, macho male (who'd probably crush me when he lies atop me) at my side when my brother now has a cute and dainty female with him.

Think Big - Quote

We are all born originals – why is it so many of us die copies?

– Edward Young

Surprise

I am surprised. I'm wrong.

Dating

I'm so tired that I am not tired anymore.

This is an interesting blog which has been around for quite some time now. Titled "Who Will I Marry? - Looking for the man of my mother's dreams", it records the thoughts of a 27 year old woman who has been actively searching for "the other half" since she was 25, aware of a woman's, I quote, "use-by date of 29 years of age", after which she will be considered unwanted.

I secretly read this blog with great interest and, I confess, a certain level of relief. I'm barely 21, but with relationship issues - read: great fear and uncertainty preventing me from stepping into one - and seriously wondering if I will ever get attached and subsequently find that somebody special and get married.

Argh, it's 1.30am and my mind is only half-working. Apologies if entry do not sound as coherent as usual. Alright, anyway her latest entry described exactly what I think of dating.

This section below she describes dating in the early 20s:

In the mid-teens to early 20s, dating was quick, fast and you fell into love like you were in and out of a McDonald’s drive-through. With complete and utter infatuation, you went out on a couple of dates, and fell into a relationship like a ton of bricks. Only to realise that perhaps it didn’t work out, or if it did, you enjoyed each other’s company with little regard for the looming future. In the early 20s, dating meant being ‘boyfriend-girlfriend.’ You could either be boyfriend-girlfriend for 1 month, or 6 years.

And that is what most of my friends have in mind. If I went out with somebody consistently enough, it meant we're a couple. I was talking to my friend and he said very clearly,

He is either your boyfriend or he is not, no such thing as "kind of" or "don't know".

AH, how long was it since I was ever this frank here? Alright, on to the next part she wrote:

In the late 20s, dating means ‘we’re seeing each other.’ He’s not exactly my boyfriend, she’s not my girlfriend, but we’re interested enough to spend more time with each other. Yet, at the same time, possibly, we’re keeping our options open.

This is exactly what I thought about dating.

And she further puts down the exact words for why I think the way I do about relationships and dating:

Everyone’s a little more scared of making that commitment into complete exclusivity.

It described my thoughts so well that I freaked out for a moment.

Ok, too tired now. Can barely keep eyes open. Am probably talking nonsense throughout this post. I would probably find most of it to be not accurate when I re-read it in the morning after some sleep. Take it with a pinch of salt. Bed.

2nd Day of School - gastric

2nd day of school saw me getting out of bed at 5.45am for a 10am lesson. Alright, so I had to go to school earlier because I had not printed today's (what I thought were) required notes and I still had to finish reading through all 40 pages of it. Turned out the lecturer/tutor did not touch the notes at all.

Today's lesson was a nice 3 hour laboratory session from 10 am to 1 pm. Laboratory lessons in Psychology typically means research and statistical based lessons where we learn how to and to actually carry out experiments. This particular one is based on Social Psychology. The content of the class is not of importance in this post, though may I add that I was trying to decipher what the lecturer/tutor was talking about half the time because he is an Indian who, unfortunately, talks with quite a strong accent. Other than that, he is really quite a nice person.

By the end of the class, I could hardly concentrate anymore because I was both mentally exhausted from concentrating on what he was saying as well as the fact that I was feeling the beginnings of what would be a full-blown gastric attack which lasted slightly more than 4.5 hours. Time period between breakfast and lunch was too long.

After meeting somebody to sell a book off, I headed straight to Arts' canteen and was faced with the horrible scene of extremely long queues. I was starting to walk with a hunch because the pain did not permit me to stand straight. Having found a table a short while later, I was in the queue for a good 15 minutes or more before I finally got my Chicken Stewed Rice which was barely lukewarm. Stomach acid was really waging a full-pledged war against my stomach lining. Fidgeted a lot while in the queue. Turns out my stomach did not like the food at all and started to protest really badly. I think I was squirming really badly in my seat while eating. Embarrassing. Unable to finish my food, I took the dreaded gastric medicine in the hope that it would help.

I started walking aimlessly around really slowly because I could not figure out what to do. I desperately needed a place to rest but everywhere seemed too far to walk to. I needed to check out the bidding for my last module (which I did not manage to get in the end) but the pain was far too much to handle. Halfway to Central Library, it occurred to me that I was heading in the wrong direction but I could not bear the thought of walking back the entire way to goodness-knows-where after I'd painfully, literally, walked this whole way. So I finally landed up at an empty table in the middle of nowhere and did the only thing I could do - bent over and waited for the pain to stop.

It's funny that in the midst of all that pain I could still twitter. Haha. I was laughing at myself. Talk about craving for care and concern and the wish for the presence of somebody, anybody, who would know what to do. I tried messaging my friend but he did not reply, and subsequently I realized there was nobody in school I could call on for help. Miraculously, Eng Wen walked by half an hour later and saw me seated, staring blankly into space. Upon hearing what I was doing, he insisted that we go to the University Health and Wellness Centre (UHWC) to either see the doctor or to buy pills directly. He walked me there and further insisted that I see the doctor because I had absolutely no idea which medicine to buy. All this time I'd popped whichever gastric pills I could get my hands on. FYI, the medicine I ate earlier on was 3 years old and falling into pieces. Threw it away before entering the clinic. Was really edgy about seeing the doctor because I simply don't like it and protested to him, but he was damn insistent. Eng Wen then left to do his things and instructed me to call him after I was done at the doctor's. Sad to say, I did not call because I realized that I did not have his number.

After having sat there for half an hour or so waiting for my turn, writhing silently and as little as possible in pain, my cousin showed up with his friend. I thankfully entrusted him with the task of going to the nearest computer lab to up my bid points for that one module because I was unable to get out of the chair. I chatted with both of them until most of the pain seemed to have mercifully faded. Saw the doctor who prescribed me the exact medicine I just threw away and learnt that it was supposed to be swallowed instead of chewed, which was what I have been doing. That explains the extremely horrible taste unlike that of other gastric medicine I've eaten.

Pain came back again so we headed down to drink some hot milk (yes milk works for me, I don't care if it does not work for you), but the stupid stall did not sell milk, only milo. I had that, but it activated the pains so badly that I found it hard to talk or smile. Swallowing the pills with plain water made it worse. Some half an hour later, the three of us finally headed to the bus stop and my cousin very kindly volunteered to see me home (because he wanted to go late for work). I slept throughout the journey and left him to deal with the heat in the bus as well as what I learned later was the onslaught of slight motion sickness.

Oh I skipped the auditions for NUSSO. Wait I end up squatting or lying down on the floor.

Felt so touched by the twitter replies of arzhou, uzyn and paddy, the direct SMS of JY, as well as Eng Wen, my other cousin and his friend's concern towards me. My sincere thanks.

Yes sirs, yes madams, I will bring snacks in my bag from now on. Next time you all talk to me, I start grinning and my teeth are black, don't blame me hor. I most probably ate Oreos.

Think Big - Quote

Somewhere on this planet, someone has a solution to each of the world’s problems. It might be one of us. With your help, we can build a more hopeful world.

– Marianne Larned

Think Big - Quote

It’s easy to make a buck, but it’s tough to make a difference.

– Tom Brokaw

Youngsters

Nothing much in this entry, just something that struck me.

Some time ago I went to Institute of Mental Health (IMH) for the volunteer orientation. Amongst the youngsters in the group, 3 of us found ourselves in each other's company. One of them is a JC1 boy from either ACJC or SAJC, another is JC2 from HCJC whilst I'm the oldest from NUS. Though I am technically closer in age to the JC2 girl, somehow I felt closer and could relate better to the younger boy. Bleh, perhaps mentally I'm still around that age. Another reason is because this is the first time we're volunteering for both of us while it is not the first time for the girl, so we tend to have the same questions and insecurities.

All 3 of us have each other's contact numbers. The boy has contacted me once some time ago to ask me something related to volunteering as well as a short chat after that. Then last night he messaged me again at 1.30am, asking if I was tired because he was going to study till 2am and wanted to chat for a while. I am kind of touched because he actually thought of contacting me. Then again, it could be because all his other friends are asleep and I am the last person on his list who might be awake =P

Am just amazed that he actually remembered me. Youngsters!

Random

Somebody just asked my friend a really dumb question,

Are we supposed to love in a relationship?

That person is not me, nope, no siree! Hello, you there! Where's your eyebrow?

--------------------------
I have this immense urge to go to Prague because my friend's there now and he's telling me how lovely it is and how I should visit it. Unfortunately I get an upset stomach, puke, can't eat and lose lots of weight even when I'm just in neighbouring country Malaysia. How to go so far? *pulls hair* It's all psychological, all PSYCHOLOGICAL, Steph!

Think Big - Quote

Today’s shocks are tomorrow’s conventions.

– Carolyn Heilbrun

Think Big - Quote

Big ideas are so hard to recognize, so fragile, so easy to kill. Don’t forget that, all of you who don’t have them.

– John Elliot, Jr., Ogilvy & Mather

Feeling unsafe

Tad of disappointment at how things turned out. I thought we might have been proper, decent friends or formal acquaintances at the very least, yet the first thing we talked about was sex and somehow the topics never veered far from there after that. Seeing that nick in the "friends" section of my MSN list was so weird, as if he no longer belonged there anymore, that I had to move his nick to another category. Granted it was lesser than a week that we had started talking again and he caught me at a time when I was horny. Maybe things will be better, maybe we'll move away from talking about sex, masturbation and fuck buddies sooner or later. Maybe we won't. I wish we will because I haven't engaged in such conversations for some time (I'm proud of it) and I intend to keep out of it. Having conversations like that is like going back to ground 0 -to that short brief past which you want to leave behind you- when you've already advanced, and in this conservative society, talking like that basically makes one look - and feel- like shit. That is, at least for the girls.
Well at least we're talking and for that I'm grateful. But I think I'll keep off him for a while to keep temptation away. Just in case.

Ok, obviously this has unsettled me enough to actually blog about it.

Weight

Don't you sometimes feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, as if you have to do everything right and you have to do everything. There are so many things to complete but not enough time. As if you're rushing along, running against time, against your will. Or that you're currently doing something when you know there is another more important thing waiting for you to be done, or something more worthwhile of your time. And you breathe in really deeply in hope of easing this load but with each breath you just feel the presence of the load even more and the constant reminder that this is not what you are supposed to be doing. You pray for time to stop because you need to sort out your priorities, you need a holiday, a break from everything, but time doesn't stop, it runs on and on and you are caught in the flow. You go on with it simply because it is easier to do so and to go against it would take a great boost of strength to get through that initial barrier, something like what they teach in chemistry, an amount of activation energy is needed to push through. Then you wonder where can you get that energy from when you go home from work every day busted, and your arms are plastered down to your sides because you're going so quickly with the flow that you can't pull yourself out of the ever-deepening rut.

The thing is that it is ridiculous how I should feel this way though there is practically nothing on me. Utterly ridiculous. Or perhaps it is the absence of something which is weighing down on me.

To those who have a goal to achieve, a passion present or something in your heart which you work towards, I salute you.

Oops, salute = army = uniformed men. Kidding.

Think Big - Quote

Some opportunities arrive in their own mysterious hour, on their own terms and not yours, to be seized or relinquished forever.

– Gail Godwin

In heat

I know this is a totally inappropriate thing to say on National Day, not to mention out of point.

But I'm actually starting to get horny. Maybe it's the thought of seeing uniformed men on TV tonight, maybe it was talking to somebody yesterday or maybe it was because of some action the night before last. In any case I'm starting to get horny.

Happy National Day

Happy 42nd National Day!

This year's celebration will be held at Marina Bay. Watch it live by going to this site and clicking on the "live celebration" link on the blue bar, whatever is the name, spanning across the webpage. Looks pretty cool except for the fact that the video keeps getting stuck every 5 seconds.

Apologies for not embedding the video here. I have not yet figured out how to despite having received specific instructions ages ago on how to do it.

Just realized that I am unintentionally wearing red and white right now, only that the red is below and the white is above. Maybe I need to learn how to walk on my hands.

Email

Never thought I would be so happy to receive this email from NUS's Office of Estate and Development:

8 August 2007

To: Students

OPENING OF THE DECK @ FASS

We are pleased to inform you that The Deck @ FASS will be operating w.e.f. 13 August 2007.

Finally there would be no need to head over to Engineering, Business faculty for lunch or eat from plastic containers at some table in a corner of the school, feeling extremely guilty of contributing to destroying the earth when I throw the nice re-usable plastic container into the bin.

Not to mention that right under the entire list of usual stores in the email which would be operating in the newly renovated canteen, is also a list of new cafes:

Cafes @ Level 2

1 – Burger King
2 – Lerk Thai Bistro
3 – Olio Café

I am as pleased as the sender of the email said she is.

on MSN - My mole

A chat online with an internet friend whom I have never met,

Friend: I saw you today
me: You recognize me???
Friend: haha yes with that mole

Well, thank you, my mole.

That feeling

I am too exhausted. Now I understand why I was feeling nervous in the afternoon for no reason. The same feeling that comes to me every time I know something out of the ordinary is going to happen.

I'm not sure if this is desirable. I did not stop it, maybe some part of me wanted it to happen and when it did, it was simply easier to go along than otherwise. Friends who know about us keep asking me if I like him. Yes I do, no I don't, I don't know! Yes, I do, I do, I think I do. So apologetic for this uncertainty, for the possibility of liking him, because I cannot afford to like anybody. I feel so calm about this whole thing that it is simply plain weird, which makes me damn confused. And I'm sorry I hurt him.

Dammit, having gastric pains for no reason. Must be retribution.

Think Big - Quote

Behind ninety-nine out of one-hundred assertions that a thing cannot be done is nothing, but the unwillingness to do it.

– William Feather

Think Big - Quote

Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand – and melting like a snowflake.

– Marie Beynon Ray

Taken

I do not understand what I am feeling, nor do I understand why I feel this way. My heart is a complete mess. This ghost of a familiar pain from the past came back, or has it always been there? I wish it gone but it is still here and I don't know what to do with it, so I spent some money on getting two more holes in my ears and stopped to get some alcohol. I stepped out on to the road - maybe a car will come by but there was none, so I walked safely across. My heart is heavy but I smile when I see people I know. It is practiced enough. Then I cross another road and maybe there will be a car, I think, but there is none so I reach home safely. But when I am home I don't have the energy to do anything, so I put the bottle on the table and went to bed and laid there on the blanket staring at nothing in particular until I could not bear to stare at anything anymore and closed my eyes because it was easier to do so anyway. I wish I can take out my heart and wash it clean and then put it back, and I wish that these feelings can be drunk, smoked or cut away but it does not work like that so I woke up the same today as I was yesterday. I think of a lot of questions but I don't get any answers. I think I already know the answers. I wish this naive me will learn faster because I know there are other things I have to do.

My Favourite Things

Original song sung by Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music:

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Different version by Saigon:

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Apologies, could not get the full lyrics.

[DJ Kay Slay:] Holler at your boy, Saigon, set this shit off!

[Chorus: Saigon]
Me when I'm rhymin', remarkable timin'
Shorty's with brown eyes that sparkle like diamonds
Us in the park when we played on the swings
These are a few of my favorite things
Hagglin' couches, necklaces and watches
Brethren that got no respect for the coppers
My cousin Face who was placed in the bing
These are a few of my favortite things

[Saigon]
Your favorite color...black
Favorite music...rap
Favorite jail...Nap', it taught me how to scrap
Favorite gun...Glock
Favorite rapper...Pac
And that wasn't even till after homie shot the cops
Your favorite girl...Joy
Favorite fighter...Roy
It used to be Mike till he got knocked out by old boy
Favorite food...Pizza
Favortie singer...Alicia
Her and this lil chick in my hood named Tanequa
Your favorite car...X-5
Body part...teta
Favorite date...the day Carl Nino said I'm the next Nas
Favorite thug...ya kiddin'
Favorite song..."The Ghetto" by Rakim
Ya heard the shit that brother was spittin'?
Favorite club...Speed
Favorite drug...weed
Indeed, like "J" say, "That's all I need"
Favorite movie..."Drum"
Favorite groupie...Ummmmm
Truly son there's a whole bunch of thum

[Chorus]

Think Big - Quote

Errors are the portals of discovery.

– James Joyce

on MSN

Yi Zhen on MSN,

I cried on my first school day in XMS because I got scared looking at the timetable. Because it was all in like short-form or something.

Complications of Missing

I hate it when I miss people. It means that there are emotions, which means that I am vulnerable. I really don't like being emotionally vulnerable. Usually I'll cover my ass up when there's such a chance of it happening but there are also loop holes here and there. Emotions, carelessness and over-confidence get to me, you see, and I don't do a clean job of it.

So yes, I'm doing some missing here.

Seriously, why do people have to date, fall in love or find "that special person"? Isn't being an individual enough?

Think Big - Quote

Trust in your own untried capacity.

– Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Forgiveness

Bleh. I draw horribly.

Forgiveness. It is said that when you forgive a person, you find freedom.
It is also said that it is easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself, yet I find that sometimes the opposite is true.

Think Big - Quote

All the wonders you seek are within yourself.

– Sir Thomas Brown

Olivia's (sort-of) haiku

Haiku is a type of Japanese poetry. Here are several facts about an english haiku:

• It is usually split into 3 lines, unlike the Japanese version which is usually in one line.


• There are commas, hyphens, elipses, or implied breaks.


• They refer to the natural world.


• They are usually in the present tense.


• Each line in a haiku follows the 5-7-5 syllables pattern - 1st line 5 syllables and so on.

Here is Olivia's (sort-of) haiku:

I love my bear bear,
Cute and soft like a cushion,
I kiss him a lot.

Thinking

Questions questions questions. Leave it to time to find the answers.

I have not found the person I was looking for, but I'm much more calm now. Hi, I'm back.