Cheston's wake; End

So many people waiting for the lift to go up, so many of his friends. We walked up 5 storeys, reached the Regency. Packed with people. We had to wait outside for people to leave before we could go in. A few wreaths stood outside the door -

"... your beloved son, Cheston"
"... the late Cheston"

Late.

The place was so packed. Mr Cheng and a couple of other teachers were there. Mr Sng was not there, Ms Charlotte Chua was pregnant and not feeling well so she did not come, Mrs. Alice Teo was not present as well and she did not reply Ping Yong's SMS.

We finally got some seats and waited for the rites to stop before all of us went to pay our respects. So many people in the row waiting to offer joss sticks, so many more behind us, so difficult not to cry. When it came to us, 4 of us, Ben, Ping Yong, Esther and I first paid our respects then we walked to the side. After a bit we crowded around the coffin.

He was lying in there with a black blazer and AJ tie. There was a pearl between his lips. His skin had grown dark in places and his lips were too. He lay in that seemingly small yellow-coloured coffin. He was so tall and thin, how could he have fit in? His framed picture was in front of him, framed with flowers. There was a guitar and a pair of drumsticks on top of the coffin, another 2 guitars by the sides, the latest one on his left, an electric guitar bought barely a week ago.

There are many versions of his death, the one I heard is from Jeremy, one of his closer friends. Saturday night/Sunday morning he had supper with a friend, at 3 am he went to bed. Sunday 12 noon saw his grandmother knocking on his door but there was no reply, so she did not disturb him. At 4 pm, she found it a bit weird and called relatives to come over and open his locked door. His whole family was overseas. That was when they found him. They know that it is asthma, but I have no news of how they knew it was that. I do not know how the expired inhaler fit into the story, I do not know if he was holding it or not, but whether or not he used it, it would have been no use. A totally unexpected asthma attack, childhood asthma, heard that he have not had an attack since secondary school. The report for when his attack occurred and how long it lasted is not yet out and might take approximately a month or so.
SMSes were sent out from his phone by Cheston's friend Ching Lee, telling all about the news. Disbelieves, questionings, calls, replies to the SMS pleading for Cheston to tell them it is just a joke. Tears, tears and more tears.

me: I keep thinking it is not real, like he will jump up and say "haha! It is just a joke!"
Jeremy: I wish it would happen, funny as it is, I really wish it would happen.

His mother looks so tired, bursting into tears at times and having to take care of so many people. I didn't see his father, Jeremy says his father is positive so far. His friend, Ching Lee, looks as upset and tired as the mother, and his girlfriend of a month...

We left soon after that because there are people starting to stream in again and the place was small.

I walk, I breathe, I walk, I eat, I complain, I smile. I think, all these things I can do he can no longer do. I see others laughing and some complaining, some wishing to die and I think how he must not have wanted to die. I think of those who waste their life away, and I think of how passionate he was towards his music. We can study, do the things we love, be with the people we love, see them, have them see us, laugh with them, laugh at us, throw tantrums. All these things we can do, all these things we take for granted. I see people my age around me in school and I feel indignant. Why are they living, why am I living, when such a passionate person is gone?

Jin Wei told me today I seemed a little angry, a little less polite, rough. I realize I had unconsciously transferred my thoughts into action. I had seen my those around me and my group mates so happy, see us with what we have and I wonder if they, we, all know how lucky we are to be living a life when he has passed away unwillingly. How much we can do, can we do better than what he might have done if he were still here? Would we make it more worthwhile than him?

Questions. Illogical questions with no answers.

I'm not that close to him, either I have accepted it or it's so surreal I cannot accept it. I believe to some of us he's somehow still here with us, not really gone.

This is the last post for this chapter. Inside, something has ended. I don't know what will happen from now, what will happen to this URL. I'll see you all soon.

*hugs* Thank you all so much. Every one of you reading this has made this blog what it is today, from a mere 10+ readers per day to 50+. Thank you for all your encouragement, my friends, thank you for reading through when I was writing rubbish to when I was emotionally down in the dumps. I hope I was entertaining enough, I hope you all enjoyed reading and I hope to see you all soon. Somewhere in this virtual world.

In memory of Cheston Chik,
16 September 1986 - 21 October 2007.
Always loved and remembered.

In denial

All our classmates mourning

It don't make sense. It don't seem real. He's too real, too recent, too young to be gone.

I've been staring at my textbook for the past hour or so and I have only gone through 2 pages. I can't concentrate. My insides are a total mess after knowing that Cheston had died because of an asthma attack and an expired inhaler. That suffering!

The thought that kept popping into my mind was why did he not check that his inhaler was still usable. Why why why? If he had, it would have been alright, he would have been with us still. I know it's wrong to keep saying this, to keep talking about it. Like Nasrul says, we all do shit, and only when shit really happens that we all regret. Logically speaking, it does no help to keep thinking about it, to harp on it, to blame him for his own death. I know full well how pointless it is and how thoughtless. He did not want to die I'm sure, so how can I blame him? Who am I to even talk about this? Think of the accidents that occur and the deaths that result from them, are they not also of one slight error? Forgetting to look across the shoulder or a tired night. Please don't scold me or think that I am heartless. It is just something that keeps on running through my mind and it bugs me no end. I imagine what he must have been thinking when he realized the inhaler had expired, what he must have felt, the fear and anxiety, the regret and his many wishes.

And I feel scared for him.

It don't fit in. It's like this is a joke, only that it isn't. I keep expecting the next moment for one of my friends to tell me that he had just woken up in hospital, took one sudden breath of air and woke up.

This afternoon I saw Eng Wen in the computer lab and on impulse told him the news. I started crying. I don't even know why the tears were there, it just flowed as I told him. I haven't felt so sad in some time.

Cheston, I really hope there was no pain for you then and I hope there is no pain where you are now. You used your life well and have brought us a lot of laughter and fun, we will always remember that. Know that you are loved and always will be loved.

Tomorrow I'll be going for his wake and I will blog about it, then... we'll see if this blog is still here. I think it's time to archive.

RIP, Cheston

A classmate of mine from AJC passed away in his sleep. Not sure what time, but probably last night. He was a guy full of energy and dreams and passion and lots and lots of laughter. I don't understand why it is that he died just like that and why is it him.

Rest in peace, Cheston. I'll always remember you, all of us will.

Cold, cold week

6 hours ago I had the most horrible chat with Yanwei, a friend of mine. That's not to say that he's a horrible person because he isn't, in fact he's a very nice person to talk to. It was the content of the speech, one specific section of it that very simply broke my heart.

We had so far been sharing with each other snippets of our love lives, or the lack of it. So it was no surprise when we went back to that topic after a bit. I was insanely curious over the behaviour of this particular guy I liked in the past and Yanwei, very nicely being a guy, provided me with one probable insight of what could be the reason for his action.

I doubt the person I'm going to talk about is going to ever come back and read my blog again but it does not warrant me to reveal his name, who he is and his background. If you know, you know, if you don't, please don't ask me.

Things between that person and I were... We knew each other, but we never knew each other. Simply put, one day he simply, for lack of a better word, disappeared. Not physically because I always saw him online and even met him once during this period, but emotionally and mentally he was gone. Contact just ceased to a minimal. I knew very well what was happening, but I could not fathom why he could not have told me straight, could not understand why he was there one day and the next, to me, gone. I couldn't understand why he left me hanging there. Yes, I admit, I might have hurt him, maybe it is my retribution. But I was confused, puzzled, how he could have told me one day he misses me and then the next week, the week after, the week after after, not contact me not talk to me. I am very, very hurt, very upset, very disappointed.

I don't know how to say it, nor am I at this point willing to elaborate how it went, but simply to me he disappeared.

I asked Yanwei why and he told me that it is probable that even before that, that guy has already lost those feelings for me.

Yes, I can understand that.

He said maybe because he did not know how to tell me, that it is very difficult to tell a girl that he has no interest anymore. He said that it is possible things between me and him might not even be that of friends anymore because it is simply very difficult to do so after this.

I listened to his reasoning and I had to fight back the urge to cry. Not even friends? To have to pretend that things never happened between us? To pretend that I had never met him, never known him? Never liked him, never held his hand, never hugged him? To never have him as a friend again for the rest of my life? No, to have lost a friend?

My heart broke then.

A moment before 6 hours ago I wished that guy had told me how he had felt, wished we could have been friends, wished more than anything we could have been talking.

Now I don't want to see him, don't want to talk to him, don't want to know anything. Because I know he isn't going to talk to me on his own. We aren't going to be friends, we aren't going to see each other again and we aren't going to talk. Just like that. And I was so naive, so stupid, to have thought confronting him online with those words from my heart about being friends, would have made a difference.

So different, so similar, so drastically different.

And just a few days before, I finally realized what it is meant to be cold. There's nothing special about things, nothing is ever how I saw it. So naive of me. There is no dual relationship - where there is one, there cannot be another. I don't know how it works out for others, but this was the way for me.


This is all wrong wrong WRONG! This isn't the way to deal with it, there has got to be a better way. There has to be a better way. I need to let go, though the loss of a possible friendship with the guy is the most regretful thing and it hurts like crazy.

I need to let go.
I need to cry, but my tears have stopped flowing for me long ago.

Halloween. What's Halloween?

In response to my nick Halloween. What's Halloween?

Jing Hong: It's when you say hello to the wind! Hello wind!

Friend: Halloween is great! It's that time of the year when girls get to dress damn slutty and it's ok.
me: so you go there to ogle at the girls right?

Friend: No. Go there and party with them

Friend: Why look when you can dance with them.

Taking action and waiting

There is this strong feeling inside of me which tells me that it isn't going to be an easy road for me in terms of relationships. Something tells me there is a high probability of not having anybody in the end.

Of all things I fear, this is one of the things I fear most, yet it is also the thing I desire most.

So why do I wish for it when I fear it and when I might not have it? I've hesitated and hesitated and hesitated. I don't have the courage for it. I know if and when I come across another guy, I'll just hesitate again, and when I hesitate, everything in me shuts down. I can't talk, can't process things. There's a reason why I get along better with guys when we're just friends.

Some things cannot wait, some things are gone when you wait too long. But if you're standing on the other side - good things come to those who wait. Know when to take action, know when to wait.

Think Big - Quote

Let’s build a future – not just polish the past.

– Frank Vizzare (from think big)

KL - Some sights

We laid down on the concrete floor, tried hovering over the water, tried all sorts of angles and in the end only managed to capture part of it:

Petronas Twin Towers

In all its (literally) shining glory.

Junxiang was saying that it's really a waste of electricity and I agree. From what I could see, there were rows and rows of light on the building itself and also from sources like that below:


I was so amazed by the fact that I could see this huge beam of light that I stopped and took a picture of it. Almost expected to see the batman sign in the sky. So much light and electricity just to light up an office building with nobody in it?

On the Second Link

I feel very suaku (mountain tortoise) because when I first entered Malaysia, I saw billboards. Lots and lots of them. I have never seen billboards before in real life, I think. So I discretely tried taking pictures of them on the moving bus but ended up with none because I was too slow the bus was too fast, not to mention that my camera was clicking very loudly. Finally managed to get some pictures on my way back to Singapore.


Then there's so much greenery, so much land! I could not help but start snapping pictures of it.

Greenery

Greenery

...and more greenery!

It takes 2 hours to travel from one end of Singapore to the other end but takes 5 hours to travel to KL. Suddenly Singapore feels so tiny. Ok, so we're tiny in actual fact and now I feel even more suaku for being so amazed at the matter of seeing greenery, land and billboards.

Oh have I mentioned that their postboxes are really cute?

All this from just the beginning of a trip to KL, a city that bears certain resemblances to Singapore. Imagine what would happen if I went elsewhere completely unlike Singapore. I'd probably get an orgasm on the spot.

Ok, almost time for me to start blogging proper about the trip.

Project Love Box; Volunteering

Christmas is 2 months 6 days away. Every Christmas most of us would receive gifts from family and friends. This Christmas, why not do something special and grant a kid his/her wish?

Project Love Box is an initiative by Every Nation Church (Singapore) helping disadvantaged and needy children in Singapore have their Christmas wish come true with the help of the public. It don't matter what age you are, as long as you feel that you would like to and is capable of making a kid happy this Christmas, then you can help.

Every Nation Church (Singapore) has collated a list of items the kids would like here. Each wish comes with the name of the kid, age and the level of education the kid is receiving now. The gifts are pretty standard actually and mostly affordable, if not individually then shared among a few people. It's kind of funny to see the younger kids requesting for identical items, I think they probably have a list of items to choose from or these items were suggested by the in-charge of this initiative.

In any case that you are interested, click here. Or if you are not, you can still check it out. The steps are as follows:

1) Select the gift you and/or your friends would like to sponsor,
2) Fill in contact information at the bottom of the page,
3) Confirmation email will be sent to you with a Gift ID (to be printed out and pasted on your gift), when and where to deposit your gift (collection point),
4) Shop for the gift you have chosen to sponsor,
5) Wrap up your gift and tag it with Gift ID. Feel free to include a personal note to the child in the gift. If you leave your mailing address, the child might be able to write back to you,
6) Bring the wrapped and tagged gift to the specified collection centres on collection dates.

Actually this is only a small group of children. There are lots of needy and disadvantaged people out there whom we can help over the course of the year, not only during Christmas. This isn't the largest initiative, there are lots of other initiatives around worth taking part in. I just thought I'd blog about this and bring to everybody's attention that besides receiving, we could also give and it is about time we did.

Coincidentally, a friend was doing a project on volunteerism. I'm sorry to say that I have not volunteered before in my life, unless you count compulsory Community Involvement Project (CIP) as voluntary, which I do not. One of the questions his survey asked was why I'd never volunteered.

I said that it is scary.

Explained to him that from the time I went to IMH for the introduction to volunteering there, I realized how truly afraid I am of the patients and of volunteering as a whole. I am ashamed to view them as an outcasts and as "crazy", despite knowing about their mental illnesses. Every fibre in me wanted to get away from them, yet my mind told me it is wrong to feel this way. How ironic when you consider my course of study. I feel like I'm turning my back on everything I've learnt and my beliefs, lost this trust in myself. That day at IMH, I had looked at the volunteers with respect because they were doing something I don't know if I'd ever be able to do. Then there were also others there whose expressions I believe mirrored mine - uncertainty, fear, disbelief and yet more fear. That was the day I wondered why am I studying what I'm studying if I cannot bear to face these patients, if I am even fit for this vocation or anything related to it.

My friend told me that it is very normal to feel this way about people who were different from us and that he feels this way too. He told me that his Vietnamese group mates thought that for Singaporeans to feel this way is very odd and callous. For them, this sort of "abnormality" is everywhere. It is no more an abnormality but instead part of everyday life, something they deal with, I think. Whereas for us, those who are not normal by our standards are segregated, put out of sight and thus out of mind, until the day we are forced to face this reality and the rejection comes naturally. I believe it isn't only in Singapore that this happens, that in many developed countries this is the norm.

Maybe we are all too caught up with our pursuits of achievement to look around and realize that the world don't revolve around only us. Maybe we could all take that tiny step out, do something against that fear.

I once talked to somebody vaguely about what I felt. He knew where these patients came from and if I'm not wrong, he said I can't help them. I didn't understand what he meant then, I'm not sure if I understand what he meant now but I agree that I can't help them in terms of curing them. All we can do is to make life a little bit better for them and help the nurses there a little as well.

There is much to learn.

Think Big - Quote

Getting into trouble is our genius and glory.

– John Pfeiffer (from think big)

Awake again; Lousy

It's 5.40am. I have been up since approximately 3.30am, working on my critique, ever since I fell asleep at about 11pm. Alright, with just 4 hours of sleep under my belt, I suppose I'll have to face the beautiful Cognitive Psychology textbook.

-----------------
In useless mode. Pissed off with myself. I feel utterly lousy. If I'm my own boss, I would sack myself straight away. And if I'm an employee....

Wait, will I even get through an interview in the beginning?

Profile views number

I'd just changed something small on my profile so went to view it and this is what I saw, if you can see the tiny numbers I'd circled in red:

Ok ok, I'll stop torturing your eyes, here is the bigger version:

Profile Views says 2008! Perfect for welcoming in the new year (in 2.5 months time). The number's lovely!

Think Big - Quote

I am always doing things I can’t do – that’s how I get to do them.

– Pablo Picasso (from think big)

Fade Away by Olivia Ong

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At times these are the words I want to say. Sometimes you just want to strangle these people who think too much.

Wait, isn't that me?

Fade Away
I just wanna say hello to you
But you’re not lookin’ my way
Like you trying to act cool
I think I lost my mind
Back there and then
Oh how I let my feelings go

You see, I know it’s just a crush
And a crush won’t ever last long
No one’s forcing it, boy
So you I’ll put aside
Thought friends we would be
Oh, boy…

*Sadly you took my smile away
Every time you look my way
It fades away
I think it’s best it stays this way
Every time you look my way
Yeah, it fades away

You just wanna say hello to me
Now the table’s turned
I’m not lookin’ your way

Don’t get it wrong
Oh, it’s twisted up
Alright let’s make this story short

You see, I know it’s just a crush
And a crush won’t ever last long
No one’s forcing it, boy
So you I’ll put aside
Thought friends we would be
Oh, boy…

Repeat *

Whao…
Why did it have to go down this way?
I’ll admit I feel you when you are near
Maybe baby we got it all wrong

Repeat * x2

Think Big - Quote

Apologies for having forgotten about my think big quotes for quite some time. Here's one again:

People who are resting on their laurels are wearing them on the wrong end.

– Malcolm Kushner (from think big)

Random

Next week will be another busy week, full of collecting data for experiment, writing critique, meeting for group projects and whatever else happens to crop up.

----------------
Was at Starbucks for a while today. I stared at the door and wondered how it would be like if I saw him walk through it, if there was another girl on his arm, to see that face and that smile again.

Despair.

And I hoped I would not see him that night, not for a while.

What he is doing, is it kindness or cruelty? Or is it just retribution, an action of mine coming back to bite me in my ass?

I'm glad I'm not dating anybody because the emotions are so strong it scares and baffles me.

Not dating

I'm glad I'm not dating anybody.

Night out - meeting Nasrul

The first thing NTT said on MSN when I came online was,

oooo, somebody had a hot date?

Considering that the car I was in last night had the air-conditioner on and the night air was not at a temperature of 30 degree celsius, no, I would not say it was a hot date.

Before anything, I have to say hi to Nasrul first.

HELLO! YOU READ MY BLOG!

Received a surprise SMS last night from Nasrul when I was having dinner with my family at the mall, saying that he was bored and asking if I wanted to go out for a ride. It isn't often that my friends as me to go out at night because they have either been rejected too many times to know that I would usually prefer home at that time, or they know that my parents would violently object to me going out. I'm a (mostly) filial girl, ok.

I was all ready to reject him and go home to face the Adolescent Psychology critique assignment due on Wednesday (which I still have not properly analyzed), but then thought that since I have already wasted the whole of the day so far, why not go all the way. It's going to be more hectic weeks ahead anyway. My critique can wait.

So I told my parents in a non-serious tone that my friend asked me out and surprisingly, they told me to go ahead. I was so surprised I asked if it's for real. Of course then came the questions of who is it, is it you-know-who, is it a guy or a girl, is it Chinese or Malay or Indian.

The most amusing question has got to be the ethnicity one. When my mother asked if it's "that Indian boy who came to your birthday", I wanted to roll on the floor and laugh my guts out. My mother actually asked if it's NTT I'm going out with. FYI, no, it was not him I went out with.

And yes, my parents are concerned that I might be dating a guy of another ethnicity and of another nationality. Yes, there is negative stereotyping occurring here.

At some point I told them that it's a Malay male friend I'm going out with and immediately they both changed their minds about letting me go out. Mum uttered something along the lines of,

You so naive ah! See you so blur blur one!

and when she knew it was a guy,

Don't let the boy *makes faces indicating kissing and touching*

Let's just say that in the end I did not tell them clearly I was still going out.

Nasrul drove over in this fantastic Fiat Grande Punto their family had rented for Hari Raya. It was spacious and smelt like how new cars should smell.

It was about 9.40pm.

Then we drove around aimlessly. Headed towards Punggol End but somehow made a turn somewhere and ended up back at my place - a complete circle. Finally decided to head down to the airport, but we took about an hour to get there when we could have been there in 20 minutes. I'm terrible at roads, which explains why we were going round and round in circles. When we were finally in the vicinity of the airport, Nas drove into Terminal 3 which was open but not operationalized.

Was stopped at a road-block and he was asking the police there how to get to the road at the back of the airport. Was told we had to make a U-turn and go out, which we tried to, but reached a fantastic dead-end inside of the terminal, turned around and drove against the non-existent traffic for a bit before we he decided that the man probably meant driving back to him, in the opposite direction.

Pick-up area of Terminal 3

Nasrul was saying they might have gotten people to come and search for us because we were lost inside for quite some time. Heh, there were policemen on motorcycles at the roadblock when we were finally back there.

So after more turning around and going away to Loyang, seeing a transvestite and heading back to the airport in another direction, we finally reached that road at the back of the airport where the runway is, after 1.5 hours in the car. We parked beside a car which had 2 window shades up and I was trying to look in to see what they were doing. They were just looking at planes though. Nas speculated that they were going to do something before we turned up.

And I realized that at some point, we were facing away from the runway because we were trying to give the couple in that other car some private space. -_-'''

Had an enjoyable talk with him and it was only during this time that I realized he reads my blog and has been doing so for approximately the past one year after he, get this, googled my blog. Was in slight shock after that. It was also then that I realized it has been that long since we knew each other, but only now that we have actually met up. At some point he asked wasn't I afraid of meeting him, that he might be some sort of bad guy (couldn't catch his words). Maybe I'm just naive enough to trust. We talked till about 12.30, 1am, when my mother finally realized that it was past midnight and I was not home, sent me a SMS telling me the time.

It was a lovely night spent and I'm glad I got my butt out of my house despite feeling sleepy and finally got to meet him. I'm glad that he enjoyed the time too. By the way, I knew him through this audio-video of me singing Sophie B. Hawkins' As I Lay Me Down to Sleep.

To prevent your speakers from destroying themselves, here's the actual song:

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Hari Raya

Selamat Hari Raya!

Awake

It's 6.34am, Saturday, 13th October 2007. Public Holiday.

Accidentally fell asleep at about 11pm the night before and woke up at 4.30am today. Not even 7 hours of sleep. Why am I awake (and opting to stay awake) so freaking early?

--------------
Awake - a man named Clive Wearing, sufferer of one of the worst cases of memory loss. Suffering from retrograde amnesia, the inability to remember the past, yet also unable to form new memories about the present. He sees something or talks to someone, but barely remembers it for a few seconds. He blinks and the next moment he forgets what that thing is for, who that person is, or that they had a conversation. For him it is "Forever today".

Desperate on wanting to make sense of what was happening, he started keeping a journal. However, every line and entry was similar. Hundreds and hundreds of such pages.

But his journal entries consisted, essentially, of the statements “I am awake” or “I am conscious,” entered again and again every few minutes. He would write: “2:10 P.M: This time properly awake. . . . 2:14 P.M: this time finally awake. . . . 2:35 P.M: this time completely awake,” along with negations of these statements: “At 9:40 P.M. I awoke for the first time, despite my previous claims.” This in turn was crossed out, followed by “I was fully conscious at 10:35 P.M., and awake for the first time in many, many weeks.” This in turn was cancelled out by the next entry.

Read more about him through this article titled "The Abyss - Music and amnesia" by Oliver Sacks in The New Yorker.

Letter to him

To me he's out there somewhere. I write to him occasionally when I want to tell him something. Maybe next time when we meet, if we meet, then I can show him, how I felt in the past, how I thought, what I thought, what happened. The littlest details, the things I have always wanted to tell somebody - like how the birds cocked their heads, maybe one day they'll find an audience, maybe he'll read.

Dear,

I'm awfully stressed. So stressed I think I can break down at any moment. My own fragility frightens me. I hate being fragile and weak and stupid and unable to handle pressure. Everything at school's going at so fast a pace that I can't catch up.

My lab project mates are awesome. They think of everything, handle everything, come up with everything. I'm just so awed by them that I'm stumped. My brain don't work, my usual thinking don't work, nothing fits in, everything is inappropriate and I feel stupid. Nothing fits in my brain. It's my group's project, but it's not mine. It's one of those projects where I feel tiny inside and I know I don't matter, really. I'm just so tired my mind don't work, it shuts off automatically. The more I try to make it work, the more it goes away.

Emotionally tired. I'm making myself so tired emotionally. My overabundance of emotions... I'm so sick of it. I just want you, your presence, your concern, your shoulder, your warmth, your love. I don't need other people. But do you exist? Will you ever exist? I'm only 21, but I so desperately want love, so desperately want to find you, so desperately need you. I'm so scared you don't exist, that I won't love the person I end up with, that you are not the person I end up with. My friend tells me to get a boyfriend. I look at him and I don't know how to answer. I want too, I want you.

School isn't fast. I'm just really slow. This pace of life used to excite me, challenges were fun. Now I'm so young, but I feel so weak. Sleep don't mean anything anymore, it hardly exists.

I hate it but I miss him terribly. I hate missing anybody, hate that terrible flood of emotions that come with it. But I miss him anyway. Typical of me, say one thing, doing another. I try closing my emotions, but it's always there. It's a different stream, it runs its own course. I can make out with a guy for fun and not feel anything about it, yet at the same time unable to control my emotions over other matters. Jeez. Sweetie, will you kill me for what I did? Hate me? Detest me? Hmm.

Do you know how bad the world is now? So much loss of life, over and over again. You'd think the world would be more civilised now, that evolution would have somehow changed us for the better. But no, what happens decades ago is still happening now. Innocent lives are still lost, blood is still shed, so much unhappiness.

A mynah shitted right in front of me again that day. And I was just walking past it!

Why is it that when I hear my friends talk, they say that after graduation they want to find a good job? Why do I hear them say things like then what else can I do? My major still can work as what? I'm not sure what is wrong, but I feel that there is something missing here. These are terrific people, smart as anything. Why are they only working? Working for the money, to pay the bills... and dreading every Monday? There is something else I am missing, I am skipping the fundamentals of earning money through a job.

So much to do, so much to learn, so much to see, so many people to meet. Maybe you are one of those I'll meet soon.

Mirror

I came home in a relatively good and light mood. Watched a very lame movie on TV and came online to do work.

Then I read DK's post, talked to a friend on MSN and read another friend's blog. Suddenly all my happiness just evaporated. Somehow I was just really upset after hearing and reading about them having bad days and bad weeks and unhappy things happening.

What's the point in you being in a good mood when others you care about are not feeling too good? I hope things get better for them soon and they'll feel happier.

My father once said I'm like a mirror. Whatever emotion is shown by characters on TV, I replicate almost instantaneously without the necessary need to watch it from the beginning. There's a reason why I we get through tissues so quickly.

Gross

6 hours already and the memory of the salty taste still gets to me. It makes me want to puke. Yet at the same time it was also fun and interesting. Not to mention I have bruises on my knees and lower back.
But I feel bad that he feels bad. Apologetic. Made use of him in a way, got him to ask me because I wanted it. Personally I'm mostly kinda past feeling guilty already. It nags at me sometimes, but it's possible to actually shut it off in that aspect. But him, he still has feelings, he's still a very normal person.
One-off thing only, he says. I nodded but only half-believed it. I wanted more.

But thinking about it now, if it's so uncomfortable for him, one-off thing only it shall be.

I seriously am my own destruction.

Birthday party (without photos) - 29th September 2007

Figured I can still write an entry without the photos. Photos are but only captured memories, there are still those inside my head and yours, though we can't print them out in hardcopy or let others see. Oh well, I was dressed horribly that day anyway, so no loss =P If anybody took any photos using their own camera or phone do you all mind sending them to me, thank you!

So 30th September Sunday was the actual day, celebration was on 29th September. Woke up at 10am+ after a very busy night before and without any breakfast, because there was hardly anything on the table to eat, rushed off to NTUC to do some last-minute grocery shopping. Most of the items I was expecting my aunt to bring over later in the afternoon or they were already in the fridge, taking up a lot of space. Got whatever I needed to get and squashed all I could in the fridge, in the meantime getting a very very impromptu arm muscle training.

Then was busy sorting out the good clams from the bad ones at home when my mother called my phone and asked me to get down to the jewellery shop now. So when I got there, covered in perspiration and hands smelling of seafood, I was asked which necklace I like - the nice flower one or the classy diamond one. Truthfully, I didn't quite like both, but I didn't like the watch the flower necklace came with so I chose the classy diamond one which was a full $100 more and father paid for it. Well they wanted to get me something, so... and the bag that comes with it was very appropriate for the wedding I attended in KL last weekend. Heh.

Initially wanted to do some homework but there was no time. Started washing bowls and utensils. By 3pm I was starting to feel nervous already and bringing chairs over (from grandmother's and cousin's place) and setting up powerpoints for the steamboats. Mother was in the kitchen preparing the food and my father and I were busy clearing up the place. Disagreement brought over from over the week to that day on whether to use disposable items or not. 4pm, rearranged table position and Father brought the huge table over.

By then I was carrying around so many chairs that my arms were aching terribly and my hands would not still enough to push my spectacles up my nose bridge without first hypnotising me.

Could see the tired, exasperated and fed-up expression on my mother's face while she was cutting the food. Felt so apologetic for making them so busy and she was not answering me. Father told me halfway through that I should not have done this, that there are a lot of restrictions. I got so upset I gave up retorting and just silently prepared everything. By then I was so physically and mentally tired from the past week's business and this morning's stuff to do that I just agreed that it was the worst thing to do, and that catering was probably the best thing, which probably is. I desperately needed encouragement and a little faith in me but all I had from my family were disbelief and discouragement.

I just wanted to do something a little different from normal, is it so bad? I just wanted people to remember the day they came to my house, that it was different in some way and next time I can look back and remember what I did, what went right and what went wrong and know that I went ahead to do something (maybe) disastrously different. It wasn't very disastrously different from a catering in the end because some of my friends still ended up in cliques in my room and outside and all that. Maybe I should have catered. Or maybe I should have started planning a little earlier, before the very-busy-recess-week. Most of all, I should have gotten more goddamn huge tables.

Lesson 1: If anybody wants to try steamboat for an event, get many huge tables. Getting people to sit around a table and talk more actually works - ping.sg people and some of my other friends who came earlier and sat together at that table actually ended up talking and sticking together. Hmm, I hope it's because of the table. Haha.
While for my other friends I was very apologetic to have them eat separately from each other at the other smaller one where my family was sitting. I would have loved for them to sit together. I think they ended up bored and stayed in the room.

Finally, finally went to take the cake at 5pm.

YY came at about 6pm, when I was about to finally head into the bathroom to bathe. Was utterly drenched in perspiration. There was no time to epilate my pits, so I wore a short-sleeved shirt instead of sleeveless. People started coming at about 7pm and we took quite some time to get the food out and distribute between the two tables. Ho! I starved my guests! =P

By some strange coincidence, some of my friends knew or have seen each other in school before so they started talking, which was nice.

Was standing in front of Sekling when I raised my arm and was indicating something and she started laughing. She saw my unepilated armpits.

So Liyuan, Adin, Jenny, Sean, uzyn, NTT, xizor, adrian and sekling started eating first because they were the first to arrive.

Lesson 2: Get enough tables to accomodate your guests so they won't have to wait and starve for others to finish. Which is basically the same as lesson 1.

Then Yizhen, Ruifang, Pearlin, MZ, Baoling, Hongyi, Zhiwei and Yee Heng started coming in batches. All say wait for each other to come first then eat, especially YZ, RF and HY, all wanted to wait for LY. Tsk tsk!

MZ and BL were seated alone at my family table and I was very apologetic that I mostly left them alone the rest of the time. I found myself ignoring people I'm basically closer with on the belief that they'll entertain themselves, a fault on my part. YZ they all were very good at entertaining themselves though, using my camera, with the card which is now spoilt. They took some lovely pictures of themselves which I am secretly glad were destroyed.

Hongyi was seated on a chair outside, entertaining himself (don't think dirty!) with the fan blowing in his face. I kept on abandoning him for other people, not sitting for more than a minute beside him. Each time I returned to the seat, I'd already forgotten what we were talking about.

Zhiwei and Yee Heng were the only two AJ percussionists to turn up in the end. Jeremy fell ill and Nicholas was too caught up with his project meetings to be able to turn up. Jeremy texted me a really nice and apologetic message while Nicholas called me personally the night before, telling me the entire story of how he has lousy project mates, no doubt sincerely wanting me to know that he wasn't lying when he said he really could not make it at the last minute. I believed him of course, but thought it was all very funny =D

I don't have a lot of things to talk about with Zhiwei and Yee Heng, but it was nice to just sit with them for a bit. I have known Zhiwei for about 8 years already, and we have played together in the same section for 6 years, so there is a certain type of bond and understanding built somehow, I guess. Yee Heng is still as crazy as ever!

While I was busy making sure that everybody was eating (or getting massaged, ahem), Adrian very nicely wanted me to down a small glass of Cointreau, which I had no idea what it was except for the fact that it has a 40% alcohol concentration, on an empty stomach.

I turned to my father and told him they were bullying his daughter, and he said,

Drink lah! Won't drunk one!

Very nicely done. So what could I do? I drank lor! Sipped bit by bit until they said it was easier to get drunk this way so I gulped what was left down. Adrian then drank another glass in response to mine - in one gulp. Dammit, I feel so inferior. The alcohol made me a little giddy after that but I was otherwise fine after eating.

Ate with the XMS percussionists, Hong Yi, my father, mom (who was mostly absent) and auntie Tina, who I could see was very amused by how we were trying to squeeze men-related-information from RF and YZ. Those two are males-magnets, I tell you!

Uzyn, NTT, Adrian, xizor and Sekling went off early after dinner to attend Halo 3's some party.

After the very fast cake-cutting, song-singing (very embarrassing yet ego-boosting) and photo-taking (of which I would like to remind all that they are now all gone), some of my friends actually stayed back quite long. I was really surprised. Thought they would all rush off once the cake was cut, which I was secretly hoping they'd do because I was exhausted. But it was pleasant to see them still here, sitting around and chatting, although somehow my chair keeps disappearing when I stand up to ensure that people around weren't too bored or something.

Adrian called at about 11pm to urge me to go down to The Butter Factory for drinks, saying that I have to party because it is my 21st. Then he bloody exaggerated and said that xizor was puking in the toilet. I knew he was exaggerating because xizor later on messaged me and confirmed that he was absolutely sane. Rejected him because my friends were still here and I was exhausted. I don't like clubbing anyway - can't dance for nuts.

Around 11.30pm I finally saw HY, Liyuan, Adin, Jenny and Sean to the interchange and later on Pearl and the rest. Ruifang stayed in my room, waiting for her-supper-guy to bring her out to supper, where she watched me opened my gifts.

The gifts were lovely and really useful. I have already thanked you all personally and if I have not, here's a thank you for it!

The squeaking pig stuffed toy is now sitting on my bed, an utterly cute little thing, squeaking when I talk to it (because I squeeze it). It's a gift from the AJ percussionists. I've already started using most of the other presents because they are really very useful. HA! That sounds so funny. The chocolates are so nice that I keep staring at them, not quite daring to eat them. Heh.

Anyway the clearing up was done throughout the whole dinner by the maids and I didn't have to wash anything in the end. Luck!

Cost-wise? My aunt actually sponsored for most of the ingredients, my father forced me to allow him to pay for the other ingredients and I paid for the cake.

Yeah, that's basically it, my birthday (without the photos). Upset that some people could not turn up in the end but very happy that a lot of people still did and my family helped a lot. It wasn't perfect, but I hope it was smooth enough. My arms ached for couple of days after that and I was still hypnotizing myself.

So it was done, a steamboat 21st birthday. And if nobody else has done it before me, remember I was the first!

xD card faulty

My 21st birthday photos are gone.

Trying to load birthday photos; Off to m'sia

It's 4.03am. I'm trying to load the photos from the camera onto my computer but it is not working. First needed to install software, then it occurred to me to just use a card reader but somehow it is not reading right. Don't know what's wrong.

Was up at 8.30am yesterday morning, lazed until 10am and am awake till now. 18 hours already.

At this point in time, there seems to be something wrong with the card reader, my computer is giving out funny noises and I'm very very tired. Keep typing stuff wrongly.

4 hours from now I'd be on a coach to Kuala Lumpur for 4 days 3 nights, the last day of which is the point of the trip - attend my father's friend's daughter's wedding. I don't even know who she is!

Oh I brought my short short skirt.

My sincere apologies that I still am unable to load the photos thus unable to blog about my birthday. Will do so when I am back, promise. Provided the card does not blow up or something.

In the meantime I'll be doing paper blogging, which means you all can't read anything until I return home on Monday (or unless I can get my hands on a computer with internet access in KL). I have school on Monday afternoon so after 6pm is probably the earliest I can blog. Which means this blog will be stagnant until then. =(

You all may ignore this place for the weekend, but don't forget me, ok! Although it has been pretty boring here.

Oh sheesh, when do I ever say things like that.

Have to sleep. Everything's swaying about me and my parents are going to come in soon to ask why the hell am I still awake at 4.14 am.

See you all on Monday, 8th October! Singapore timing 6pm. That's GMT +8.

Free Burma!

International Bloggers Day for Burma on 4th October.

A world out there

It's 3.13am and I'm awake and I need to be awake until I finish everything.

It hits me repeatedly over the head how much each person I have come across has influenced me, changed me, put ideas into my head, let me see yet another part of this huge world. It's like having a bat enchanted to hover over my head and hit me again and again. Haha.

It's a major thing, this. So many people I've come across and so many more to meet in the future. How do you thank everybody for having let me seen something new? If I could, I would have liked to look at every single individual face-to-face, told them in what way they have influenced me, and then thank them very sincerely.

The world is huge, how can I allow myself to be cooped in a single dimension of life? How can anybody allow themselves to? I wish I will live my life, I wish I will know how to do so and I wish I will have the courage to do it.

Short short skirt

Seeking Uzyn's opinion on something through SMS,

me: Is it safe to wear short short skirt in KL? Or Malaysia?
Uzyn: Safe. But be prepared to get lots of stares.
me: Ok, I can handle stares... Haha, thanks!
Uzyn: Haha. I know you enjoy them.

I think I shocked him with my reply,

me: Hahaha... Say until like that! But I do enjoy them, if it's not old men staring at me... Haha... Ok, I'm an innocent and naive girl!

I feel like an exhibitionist.

Random

I still don't have time to blog about my birthday. I'll be away the weekend too. Perhaps there'll be time to do so on Thursday night/Friday morning before I'm off and not in contact with the internet for 3 full days.

3 full freaking days without the internet! Argh!

Happy Children's Day

Happy Children's Day!

Kind of weird that it is Children's Day the day after I legally become an adult, as if to remind me that I am now no longer a kid and I will no longer, technically, be a kid ANYMORE in my life because I can now watch R(A) movies and kids don't watch R(A) movies.

Dammit.

Song - Kiss Me

Before I find the time to start blogging about the birthday celebration, here's a song by, I think, Sixpence None The Richer. Heard another version on Olivia's CD my friends bought me.

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Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

[Chorus:]
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map