Familiar

Looking at that comic strip, it was all a little too familiar.

In love

I'm in love. Utterly and completely.

2 days after the end of SingBellz Fest still found me unwilling to commit myself to any sort of serious work (other than the current day-job I have). The photography competition is officially out (NUS students should have received the email by now - please do participate in it), the backdrop of the stage needs to be designed and the accounts from the festival needs to be closed. It seriously feels as if a month of my life force is drained and I need some time to recuperate.

All I have been doing ever since Saturday is to glue my eyes to the computer screen, watching animes. Just this Sunday, I went on a 7-hour anime marathon.

After watching this particular romance-comedy anime, titled Itazura na Kiss, a sweet feeling entered my heart and is lingering till now. Coupled with that fantastic sensation of playing handbells with others, sometimes producing music that makes my hair stand, I decided that this high is the sensation of love. It makes me feel as if I'm not alone and that with it, everything will turn out fine.

Haha, and everybody was asking me who is it I'm in love with, when what would have been more appropriate.
As for who is it, well, isn't it still the same person. For reasons I don't know and don't comprehend anymore.

And after going one big round, I think I finally found myself finding back the control I once felt, although it seems a little different, if it has changed somehow. The basis of it all, however, still remains the same.

A lot of things to talk about, discuss and advertise but am recently not in the mood to do so. Work tomorrow. Good night.

End of SingBellz Fest

SingBellz Fest'08 is finally over! Oh man, am I exhausted! Just have to tie up some loose ends and I can finally concentrate on other things.

Last afternoon's concert was nice and I enjoyed watching The Embellishment Quartet perform, as usual. After watching them perform Lovers' Dance for the 3rd time, I found myself really wanting to try out that piece. It's an interesting piece written by Kevin Ko. It's more of the drama/acting they've added in while playing it that made things interesting. Nevertheless, the piece sounds nice by itself. Here's a version he played with an American lady, but I personally found last afternoon's version he played with another of his quartet's member, Isabelle, a better one.

Hope you'll enjoy it.

Random

It is 3am and I am still preparing ticketing stuff for tomorrow's concert. Double-checking and printing and now going to sort out money and tickets and envelopes (if I can find any). Argh.

And I can't believe I'm not allocated any modules for my next semester. Something is definitely wrong.

Falling In Love

From Ximin, a fellow friend/ringer in Ministry of Bellz, on MSN,

How do guys fall in love?

I don't know. How do guys fall in love?

Irritated

Design still not sent to me. Usually will need some corrections before able to send out to printer, don't know if can make it in time or not. Sigh.

Damn pek chek. Have to run around in the morning tomorrow around Singapore and rush to work in the afternoon. Hate running around like this.

Pyramid. Circle.

tstar is...

Exhausted.

What we become, what things become, what we see, what people notice (or don't), everything is built on everything else. Everything depends on everything. Everything is essential, even seemingly unimportant processes, because everything leads to something else, everything is the basis for something else. As such, what we have at hand, what we are given the opportunities to work with, they are all important - small, important steps leading to the larger picture. When we fail at one step, think it is unimportant, feel it is too troublesome to continue - it can pull down the next step, sometimes we cannot advance or we advance unsteadily and sometimes we simply give up.

But how much can I give? How much can I take? How much is too much? Is there a limit?

Imagining things to be in bite-size pieces makes things manageable. For a while it was easy to do that. Seemingly scary tasks become easily managed because everything was simply to look at what I have at hand, what I have control over and what I can do. Suddenly my options opened and my world was a lot bigger. There are a hundred possible ways to get to the same destination. Work, however, has seemed to revert me. Or perhaps over time, the need to maintain that outlook has decreased. Once-were obstacles are now obstacles again. Stress comes back - no more bite-size pieces. I'm starting to stutter (a hell lot more) again when I talk.

The new me was in control. The old me was lost and insecure. I don't like the old me.

Stressed

Suddenly I sense a huge burden descending. Getting increasingly stressed with each passing day.

Just spent 3 hours on ticketing stuff. What the heck, I'm super slow. Now I can feel gastric pains hitting me for no particular reason. Ok, have to go to bed, tomorrow's another long day. Good night.

Random note: I crave for instant noodles.

Random; Singbellz Fest (handbells concert)

Have got a ton of things to do, but still manageable. Too busy to blog, sorry about the extreme lack of entries.

HeritageFest is on at Suntec Tropics Atrium now. Will try to get some pictures there during lunch break. Ah, now you know where I work!

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Handbells concert coming up next Friday 25th July and Saturday 26th July. These 2 concerts are actually part of a bigger event called the Singbellz Fest, the first handbells festival held in Singapore, organized by the Ministry of Bellz (MOB). There are workshops for handbells also available. Email me if you're interested in knowing more.

25th July's concert is by us, the Ministry of Bellz, Singapore's first and only external Independent Handbells Ensemble. We formed only about a year or lesser ago, so we're constantly learning. Nevertheless we have performed in quite a number of shows around Singapore. This upcoming concert, I am rather confident we can present some music which you will enjoy.

26th July's concert is by The Embellishment, a handbells group from Hong Kong. I can vouch that they are really good because we've been to Hong Kong to learn from them and watch them play. This is one of those groups that will inspire you and make you want to pick up handbells.

Dates: 25th July (Fri) and 26th July (Sat)
Timing: 7pm (Fri) and 4pm (Sat)
Tickets: $10
Venue: Young Musicians' Society (YMS) auditorium

Interested, email me at ng.wan.jing@gmail.com with your details like name and school/organization. Individual puchases are also welcomed! Please also include a fax number in your email so that I can fax the order form over. Alternatively, tell me and I could email you the order form in pdf format (if you don't have a fax machine), and you can scan and email back to me or fax back to us.

Think email is relatively faster since I have access to my mail almost 24 hours a day, while the fax machine in office is not checked 24 hours a day.

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Ok, lesser than 5 hours of sleep before I have to get up and head to the office. I'm really quite busy with the 2 jobs I curently have, handling ticketing stuff for concert and helping in the photography competition in SAVE's green carnival, but let's believe I can get through this!

Hamsters scared

Yesterday afternoon I came home to a surprisingly sight - all 4 hamsters' cage and tanks placed in the living room:

Moved from their original places, for some reason:

So I asked my mom why were the hamsters in the living room and she answered,

Because this morning outside doing something, then very noisy. Brother was worried the hamsters will be scared, so he moved them here (out of the balcony and into the living room).

My brother is better than me!

Disappointed

A little... disappointed, not sure why. Maybe because... Hmm, this is a wake-up call as to how no-strings-attached the whole issue is. Silly me keeps forgetting. Occasionally I wonder if we even count as friends. Somehow I don't feel that way. Most of the times we seem less than friends, more of acquaintances, or perhaps even less than that. I don't quite know how to describe this emptiness inside.

Having somebody brush aside something you sincerely offer, is not a good feeling, regardless of how many times it has occurred before. This up-coming concert is one in a long while that I feel confident about and would really like to present to others the group of people I've been playing with and the music we are creating.

Last practice session was insanely wonderful. For the first time in a while, my ears opened up and I was hearing music as music, not merely notes. For the first time in a while, I felt the adrenaline and the emotions of playing as a group. It has been many years since the last time, a little too long, in my opinion.

Perhaps that is why this feeling of disappointment is so large - because the eagerness of wanting to share is there, because I don't know how many such sessions I would be able to experience, because I don't know how many such concerts I'd be able to play in.

Then again, maybe I'm just silly enough to just want to share with him, for reasons I no longer know, have, or understand.

Ah! I feel better now after letting it out!

Talking at break-neck speed

From Mr. Goh, whom I surveyed today and finished in a record time of 25 minutes,

It felt like you were rushing somewhere and I had no time to think like that! Hahaha!

Surveying and talking with random strangers can be surprisingly fun!

楊乃文 - 祝我幸福

For many days, this song has been repeating in my head, came to my lips when I felt the urge to sing or hum something and oddly gave me comfort whenever I needed it. An old song but with a beautifully dark melody - reminds me of Celtic. Also has interesting lyrics.

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祝我幸福
楊乃文

滿天星星在眨眼 他陪在我身邊
輕聲細語溫柔的眼 看著我的臉
一枚戒指在我眼前 是他的諾言 愛我永遠
山頂上的微風吹 心跟著四處飛
為了什麼掉眼淚 夜色那麼美
一段回憶翻箱倒櫃 跟著我在追 想的是誰
我很幸福 真的幸福 卻渴望得到你的祝福
從今以後 牽他的手 心為何逗留
我很快樂 真的快樂 卻還是覺得依依不捨
他的肩膀 給我力量 才能將你放
好想聽到你說 祝你幸福
只想聽到你說 祝你幸福

achoo!

*comes back from hiatus for 10 seconds*

HEARD A DOG SNEEZE TODAY! Amazing! Didn't know those wonderful noses are so sensitive!

Do fishes sneeze?

*goes back into hiatus*

No motivation. Hiatus.

I've spent hours on photoshop with no results to show and am feeling quite fed-up. In fact, I am feeling fed up of everything, for some reason.



Need exercise, less food, more activity, more motivation.

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Spoke to Chu Wen last night. Asked him how can he keep on working at the pace he is going - consecutive days of work without rest. He said it's possible, just take pride in what you're doing and force yourself to keep going.



Often, I find my motivation in people around me. People who aren't famous or rich (yet) - seemingly perfectly ordinary people. Their persistence can be amazing.


Few weeks ago while I was in a slump, I asked Ridzuan how does he keep on doing what he does, how does he keep himself motivated. He said sometimes he also gets tired, get distracted or drift off to do something else, but at the end of the day, he knows what he has to do and he returns to that ultimately.


tstar feels like she has lost her direction in life. Often she wonders if she is not working hard enough and somewhere inside her, she knows that is partly the reason. Other times she sees people who hardly put in effort shoot all the way up front to the desired destination. Sometimes she labours to achieve just a single step. Often she wonders if it's true the process is more important than the destination.


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tstar is lonely. She wonders if she needs a partner. But this heart is already very broken. tstar has no trust in herself. tstar has no trust in guys. tstar has no trust in relationships.


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tstar don't feel like blogging anymore. tstar will go on hiatus from now.

tstar is sad she can't blog fluently like in the past. tstar is sad she has to go on hiatus and leave her readers alone but tstar is also sad she can't provide blog material of some standard for her readers. tstar miss her blog and feel sorry. Maybe tomorrow tstar will feel happier (and feel like a blogger again) then tstar will come back from hiatus and write something sensible.

Now tstar shall shut herself off from the blogging community and drown herself in work and classical music.

tstar loves her readers =) Have a good time elsewhere.

Predator

Yanwei says I'm a predator.

All unsuspecting cute boys watch out! Steph is on the prowl! Get out before you
get "crushed"!

-_-''' Thanks, Yanwei.

Frustrated

Frustrated. Exhausted. Helpless.

I heard there will be some sort of penalty if I don't finish the questionnaires. They didn't even tell us that in the beginning! I am ready to give up and pay the penalty because it is extremely difficult to find anybody who is willing to be interviewed and I'm seriously extremely exhausted. I feel tired just standing in the train, feel tired SMS-ing others to ask if I can interview them, SMS-ing others to help me ask others for me. Feel so paiseh also. I feel tired whenever I'm not walking or doing something. After work I still have to meet people to conduct the interviews. Then I still need to come up with some design stuff for the carnival. If I'm tired, I have to hide it. If I'm frustrated, irritated, helpless, I have to hide it all. I have to laugh it off and look positive, feel positive, think positive. HOW??

And although I know I have no right to be angry, I still am sometimes angry when people reject doing the interview. It's really quite pointless to feel the way I do. I think one of the reasons why I'm pissed is because of the way I am rejected. I'm sick of apologizing. I'm apologizing to the extent to which "sorry" has no more meaning.

I used to think I can really do it, do all of these. But now how do I not give up? How do people persist on and on? I just want to collapse and get some sleep but there seem to be no time for that even.

There's this volcano-like thingy inside me which seems ready to erupt any time. Maybe I just need some sleep.

On the other hand, I'm really thankful and grateful to those who agree to allow me to interview them. Really thank you very much.

If I have time to be even blogging, I'd better get down to designing that logo. After that I can sleep. Talk again another day.