Tired

It was the same time, same place and this time I was early.

Just had my Cognitive Psychology paper today and I'm sure I am going to pass it this time round, though probably not scoring well. The paper was simply too easy and it was interesting to write about, which means competition will be great. Not to mention I did not really plan my time well and wasted a whole bunch of marks by not answering the last essay question well. Must say after the first horrendous self-esteem-lowering paper, I have become so calm it's kind of scary. A little anxious before the paper but that was basically it. Unconsciously I have already given up hope. I have never felt this relaxed and un-bothered before. I just want to pass the paper with a minimum B-. I don't care if I have a CAP of a third-class Honours, if I still go on to Honours year. It's a little upsetting, but...

Do you have something really important to you? Do you have a dream, or something you really want to do? Imagine all this time you have been going after that dream or the faint possibility of it, then one day you got so tired of chasing after it, you can't catch up and the next thing you know it disappears.

For some reason it's a huge relief to not have to keep sight of anything for once. For once I can actually imagine my life as a normal 9 to 5 worker. For once I can accept the possibility of it. Is this something to be afraid of? Laughed at? Upset about?

I never in the past understood nor could I have ever imagined the possibility of working like a normal person. (I don't know what I imagined otherwise, HAHA!) Suddenly I realize how easy it is, how straight forward this path is. I did not have to think to understand this path because it was in front of me all this time. I just had to lower my sights and look at my feet. And it should be upsetting me, to know how far I have fallen but I'm not really that upset. Frankly I'm too tired to bother. Hmm, maybe it's not a bad thing, learn things again, you know. Maybe be a little bit more realistic. Ha, how much I have detested that word, be realistic. Maybe I just need to be realistic again.

What do you do when your self-esteem finally dropped so low it's... no idea how to describe. When you hold no hope, see no future, lost the urge to fight and feel utterly useless. Everybody is better than you. Everybody. When you feel that you are good at nothing and everything is too difficult. When you were once competition, you were the one who pushed others out, now others are stepping on you and pushing you out. What would you feel or do against this?

Without any energy.

Tired.

I don't remember the last time I took a break.

无阻。无力。累。

那晚当我躺在床上时，我在黑暗中流着泪很小声的问，为什么我还活着。现在想起来很可怕。And very insensitive.

I'm not sure who to talk to, or who would understand. Who else would give me advice other than "it's just the exams"? Because I know it isn't just the exams. And who would believe that? Who else will give me advice other than "studies is not important"? Because it isn't important for you, does not mean it is not important for me or for that little bit of dream inside of me.

Maybe I'm just being spiteful.

Tired. Anniversary.

今年好累，明年看起来也不太好。我好累啊！不想想这么多。一步，一步的走就够了。

Tomorrow's Grandmother's 3rd death anniversary. I miss that comforting smell of hers.

逃。不逃。

原来，逃，是这么容易做的事。很想不顾一切，放弃所有，转身就跑。留下来面对我的过失与失败真的很难。

会不会很愚蠢？因为学业和考试压力就搞得我一团糟。你一定在想这是多么不值得的事。学业罢了，有什么了不起！可学业对我而言是很重要，就如你有一项对你很重要的事。你明白吗？

（不好意思，华文水平不太好，请多原谅。希望你们读得懂。〕

我不知道学业将来能帮得了我多少，我不知它以后会不会有用途， 我只懂得现在必须做的事。难道以后没有用的东西，现在就不该珍惜吗？

好矛盾。一方面想逃，令一方却不允许。

上个学期尝到了放弃的滋味，真的不好受，可却很容易。很容易，但能学到什么？

我的路，由我来选吗？

Stressed

I am very stressed ok! VERY STRESSED!

*BANGS TABLE*

Exam notes

Since I'm ALMOST finished with 1 module, here's a post.


About my study materials.

Heh.

Oh c'mon! Stop the groaning! I am in the midst of studying!

At times during studying, I inevitably fall asleep in mid-sentence, regardless of the time of the day. And then what happens when I fall asleep for 5 seconds in mid-sentence with an ink pen in hand?

I really wasted quite a bit of ink on these kinds of incidences. Yar I have a problem - problem with staying awake while studying and it is a very ill-defined problem!

Was studying the Imagery Debate in Cognitive Psychology. It is basically a debate about whether mental imagery is due to actual spatial representation (actual picture in mind) or propositional representation (words). I put Pylyshyn and Kosslyn as the heading for propositional representation and spatial representation respectively because they are two of the main psychologists supporting these views.
Also because I write already and am lazy to erase them away.

Anyway the really ironic thing is that in my notes, the propositional (words) section has drawings under it and is actually better explained by the diagram than for spatial (pictures), for which there are only words under it. Probably because for spatial representation there's no need to draw pictures. Completely ironic! Hope I am correct in this post and my mind-map because I am really bad at Cognitive Psychology.

Seriously I just need a B for this, but I desperately need a B+ as well. My standards don't seem very high, do they.

Next time show you all my mind-maps. This semester everything still pretty compact. Last semester I had one so huge it was more than 4 pieces of A4-sized paper joined together. Wait, have I showed you all that before? Anyway the average of one of my mindmaps (1 chapter) is about 2 pages of A4-sized papers. And when I'm good, I can memorize every single damn thing on those pieces of paper, down to the colour of the ink the word is written in, the place the word is at and the exact grammar used. Ok, not very impressive, since the purpose of the ink and map is to make it easier for me to remember. =P

What the heck! Arzhou is playing BattleStations on Facebook! Ok, better get back to my books.

Haven't felt this sort of hurt before. Didn't know there are different types of hurt. Each one feels different. The heart is very much torn, by something I've never really had. How can I lose something I've never had?

No, I have had it once. I've once gained something, haven't I? I didn't even know.

I think I can now understand a little bit more. That smile... I pray he'll always have it.
I think I will be alright, I just cannot see very far in front of me now.

So long. There's no need for me to think about it anymore. Some things I cannot change, some things I cannot face, unless I'm emotionally ready for it. This time round I don't know how long it'll take because I can feel my head aching from the tears behind my eyes now. This time round the tears are so close. But I'll be ok.

Dear,
One day I'll finally find you. Wait for me.

Take me Home, Country Roads

Yes I should be on hiatus, but I can't help it! This song is simply too lovely, and to be sung in such a manner in the anime, I totally fell in love with it. Oldies are really sometimes simply the best.

Take me home, Country Roads in Japanese film Mimi wo Sumaseba.



Original by John Denver:

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Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue ridge mountains
Shenandoah river -
Life is old there
Older than the trees
Younger than the mountains
Growin' like a breeze

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

All my memories gathered round her
Miners lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine
Teardrops in my eye

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

I hear her voice
In the mornin' hour she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
And drivin' down the road I get a feelin'
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
Take me home, now country roads
Take me home, now country roads

I need to know why and how

I know I said that I'd be on hiatus but I am simply too upset and overflowing with emotions.

How I feel now is not because I like him, it is not because I want to stick to him, it is not because I want to harass him or see him or anything like that. I just want to talk to him and to have him talk to me. I don't care if it is to scold me, to tell me how horrible I am, how much he hates me and don't want to see me anymore. Right now I just want him to acknowledge my presence and talk back to me as he would to a normal person. I want a single hi.

I wish he would come in and read this post. I wish he would understand why the fuck I'm feeling so upset. I wish he even slightly cared, or have a little tiny bit of guilt in him or curiosity to want to come in and read a little because I don't know how to get it across to him anymore.

I want him to know that I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE. Did you see that? It's in capitals in case he just decided to glimpse past this post even for a moment. Read this, dammit, read it!

I'm so upset and frustrated not because I still like him in that way. This is the disappointment you get when you expect more from a person than what he gave you and this is the helplessness you feel when you know you cannot do anything about it all. This is also the fear that all of this stems from you. This is the fear from 2 very unsuccessful non-relationships.

Is this how you deal with things? When I asked you about your previous relationships, you only said you don't know and you can't remember. Is this what happened? I'm curious. Because I don't see how any good can come out of ignoring a person. What are you thinking about? How are you perceiving it all? I want to know. Why can't two persons who find out they cannot be together be friends? What do you see things as? Why are you doing this? Is it because you simply do not see the need to talk to me at all? Not even the basic courtesy hi? Why? I really want to know. Please, talk to me.

Besides disappointment is this huge curiosity. I want to know how he thinks about it. No, I need to know, I desperately need to know.

I believe he is a nice guy. Then why? There must be something I am not seeing, something I do not understand. Person-I-once-knew, will you please read this post, will you please tell me why?

On hiatus; Concert

Every semester during this period of time I am messed up, screwed up, very horny and very emotional.

It's the examination period. Seems as if everybody else is on blogging hiatus. Have not been blogging a lot because been simply too busy trying to suck some cocks with studying, projects and other school-related stuff, not to mention handbells practice. A frown is starting to permanently etch itself onto my forehead. So I think I'll be going on a hiatus too until 3rd December because I simply do not have enough time at all to blog.

Before I go off, here's an announcement for a concert put up by both the Ministry of Bellz which is a handbells group and The Anak Baba Band, a percussion-cum-electronic-keyboards band, playing music I promise you have never heard before. I think Anak Baba Band is playing Peranakan music. Argh! I'm playing in this concert and I do not even know! So embarrassing. Then again I am a ringer in the Ministry of Bellz, not Anak Baba Band. Do come down and watch us! It's my first time performing as a handbell player, should be interesting. You may come down to laugh at me. I promise I will not throw the bell at you.

Event: BABAs hAND BELLZ
Date: 26th December 2007, Wednesday
Time: 3pm or 8pm
Venue: The Arts House @ The Old Parliament
Price: $15

If you do not know, this is how a handbell look like:

Link

Think Christmas.

If you are interested, please do leave a comment on this post or drop me an email at ng.wan.jing@gmail.com with any questions, the number of tickets you want and your details. Will get back to you very very quickly because just about everything is linked to my email.

Not speaking

I miss him. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, he won't know because he does not come in here anymore.

Why am I missing him anyway? Perhaps it is more of a case of feeling upset that we aren't even talking. I believe LY would understand what I mean.

If we cannot be lovers, why can't we be friends or at least acquaintances on speaking terms? That hurts more than anything else and he probably don't know that fact, probably will never know, probably simply don't care and I don't exactly blame him.

I just cannot accept this.

Young at heart

Few days ago my father came into my room, picked up my pig and started (kind of) cooing at it. Then he went to the master bedroom, took Ah Bear, came back into my room and put both Ah Bear and piggy facing each other.

He says both of them very lonely.

By the way, this is my pig, in its initial cleaner state:

It's a little dirtier now though because I have been sleeping with it and kicking it around on the bed and the floor. But it is still very cute =)

Life from death

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It has been 2 weeks 4 days since Cheston passed away and 2 weeks 2 days since the last entry, which said I would be archiving this blog. I tried doing it, but could not bring myself to do so - could not put my classmate's death in the backroom. It does not do him or the effect his death has on me, on us, justice.

His death is not an end, his death has revived feelings and thoughts in me. His death is but a beginning, a source of life in itself because his death has taught us to appreciate, taught us a different way of viewing things around us. So how can I put a death from which life and inspiration has come forth, into the backroom where it will hardly be read and likely forgotten? How can I cultivate life from a hidden source pushed into the depths of memory? When a good person dies, we don't forget that person. We always remember that person and what he stood for. We don't just learn from life and the living, we learn from death and the dead.

As such, I have decided to continue blogging in this present blog and try not to archive unless necessary because Cheston's death made me realize how much a person can be. For every post I write after the ones on his death, for every day I live after, I want to remember the reason why he made it this far. It was not just talent he had, it was passion.

He was a musician, a guitarist, a drummer, a music teacher. Seems as if his teaching did not just end there. Unintentionally, he probably taught more people with his death than he had while he was giving music lessons. Unintentionally, he was a teacher to the very end.

I hope I can live my life half as well as you did yours, Cheston. I hope I can muster enough heart, enough passion to do what I want and must, as you did.

When a good and young person dies, his life is not lost completely. It implants itself inside those around him - his family, those who knew him well and those who simply knew him. I hope his family and his closest friends find the courage to live their lives well, I hope they allow their love for him to drive them on, I hope they heal.

Where there is death, there is life.